The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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S-H
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

Haha.

Can we have dates, please?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Westcliffspur »

My wife used to work as a magician's assistant years ago. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early yesterday and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Brad came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor b*stard must have wondered what the f*** was going on......
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tarte Encore »

"I think, therefore I am." says a horse that walks into a bar.....

Hang on, I've told that wrong....should've put the horse before Descartes.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I've just been reading Michael Caine's playlist of his favourite bands. He's only gone and left the bloody Doors off.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

I’m not competitive. I’ll be the first to admit that.
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Post by WHU Independent »

What do you get when you cross a pirate with a paedophile?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly!

I'll get my coat.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

Monkeybubbles wrote:Why do you make me do this?
kayahammer wrote:Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.
OFT wrote:Jokes about sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar Demerara
Tarte Encore wrote:There's quite a few jokes doing the rounds about white sugar but ones about brown sugar..... Demerara.
There's definitely a disorder or syndrome going on..& probably a very rewarding job at GCHQ, just waiting..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sicknote »

IF a tortoise loses his shell , is he naked or homeless?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

sicknote wrote:IF a tortoise loses his shell , is he naked or homeless?
What did the slug say to the snail ?

Wanna buy a Big Issue mate ?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

WHU Independent wrote:What do you get when you cross a pirate with a paedophile?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly!

I'll get my coat.
Bravo :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Haarlemammer wrote:I’m not competitive. I’ll be the first to admit that.
:thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

Chicken Run Supreme wrote:A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, " I'll have a whisky and erm ...............................................and ....................... soda"
" Why the long pause?" asked the barman.
" I don't know" replied the bear, "I was born with them."


:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

-DL- wrote:Saw the doctor Friday, and he told me I have to stop masturbating. When I asked him 'why?' he said 'Because I'm trying to examine you'.

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

Westcliffspur wrote:A horse is having a quiet drink in a seaside pub when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.

After they’ve introduced themselves, the donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter. What about you?”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then asks the horse “Have you ever won anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps, I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

“Wow!” thinks the donkey.

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he has done everything.”

So he goes out and buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.

The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh that? That’s me when I played for Juventus..”


:lol: :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

Apparently, up until the age of ten...

Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty shat on a wall
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

An 80 year old lady is in the dock for shoplifting. She pleads guilty, and the judge takes pity on her. However, he cant let it go unpunished.
"Madam?" asks the beak, "You stole a tin of peaches. How many peaches were in the tin?"
The old lady replies "6 m'lord"
"In that case, I sentence you to 6 days in prison"
With that the lady's husband stands up in the public gallery and announces "She had a tin of peas away too!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

The neighbour's dog has crapped in our garden again," I complained to my wife.

"Well, get a shovel and throw it over the fence," she suggested.


It hasn't helped. There's still dogsh*t on my lawn and now the neighbours have my shovel.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

Sauce! wrote:The neighbour's dog has crapped in our garden again," I complained to my wife.

"Well, get a shovel and throw it over the fence," she suggested.


It hasn't helped. There's still dogsh*t on my lawn and now the neighbours have my shovel.

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the f*** would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Just had two police officers at my front door. They asked me the following questions,
'Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said, 'No i'm not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
They said, No... these are just initial enquiries'
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