The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Haarlemammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

Will glass coffins ever catch on?

Remains to be seen.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

sicknote wrote:I went to the offy on my bicycle last night, bought a bottle of scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, i thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so i drank all the scotch before i cycled home

It turned out to be a very good decision, because i fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home

Brilliant
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Burningaham »

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He ****ed it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates', Saint Peter said.

The man from New Zealand reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Australian started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolise?'


The Aussie replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Apparently North Korea has a nuclear missile which can reach New York. That scares the crap out of me.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by James P »

:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

My wife really surprised me when she bought me some jump leads for my birthday, gave me quite a start!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I’ve piled on weight recently so I rang weight watchers. I said can you send someone round and they said “yes, we’ve got loads of them”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

Monkeybubbles wrote:I’ve piled on weight recently so I rang weight watchers. I said can you send someone round and they said “yes, we’ve got loads of them”
:)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

sicknote wrote:I went to the offy on my bicycle last night, bought a bottle of scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, i thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so i drank all the scotch before i cycled home

It turned out to be a very good decision, because i fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home
:)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by The Old Man of Storr »

Sauce! wrote:I saw my friend stood outside the Doctor's today. He looked really worried and upset so I asked him, "What's the matter?"
He replied, "I've got the big C."

I was shocked. "What, cancer?" I asked.

"No, dyslexia."
I know I shouldn't but....... :)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

I took a sip of my drink and gazed into her eyes.

My knees got weak and I could feel butterflies in my stomach

It was it this point I knew,

I had drugged the wrong glass
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

My wife left me because of my chronic insecurity.

No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

All hard bristle brushes are better than soft bristle ones.
It’s my best sweeping generalisation.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

Visiting my daughter, I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. She told me that she likes to live in the 21st century and does not waste money on newspapers, so offered me the use of her I-pad..

That fly never knew what hit him...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

The wife didn’t enjoy our romantic trip to Lapland.shame...
I thought my dancer was fabulous
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

I scared the postman by going to the door naked this morning.
Not sure what worried him the most - my body or that I knew where he lives.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by sicknote »

Bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of anything except Stella,

The barman asks " whats wrong with Stella?"

Bloke says " I had 12 pints of Stella last night , and when i came round , i was ****ing skint"

Barman replies "12 pints of anything costs about the same"

Bloke replies "Skints my dog ...."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by kenthammer »

:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Pandemonium broke out this evening at the Pantomime organised by our local Paranoia & Schizophrenia support group when someone in the audience shouted “He’s behind you”
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