The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13895
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 495 likes
- Total likes: 1975 likes
-
- Posts: 677
- Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:59 pm
- Location: cambridge
- Has liked: 7 likes
- Total likes: 41 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Top man! and for those who haven't heard it for a while,, my friends pet mouse ,Elvis died recently. He was caught in a trap.OFT wrote:Can't remember seeing this one, or much else to be honest, but I'm sure if it's been on before Monkeybubbs will remember
Elvis Presley drags himself out of the swimming pool for the umpteenth time in the day,
Whatever's the matter with you? asked Priscilla.
I can't help falling in, love, He replied
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
It’s kind of ironic that after Elvis had so many number ones he died while having a number two.
- The Difference
- Posts: 450
- Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:01 am
- Location: Hoooston, Texarse
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Driving home the other night with the wife and we ran over a badger.
We got out and it was still breathing, but shivering cold.
I said "put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replied "but its wet and it stinks"
I said "well hold its ****ing nose then"
We got out and it was still breathing, but shivering cold.
I said "put it between your legs to warm it up"
Wife replied "but its wet and it stinks"
I said "well hold its ****ing nose then"
- York Ham(mer)
- Posts: 9649
- Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2005 6:15 am
- Location: In exile up north
- Has liked: 112 likes
- Total likes: 149 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Battling with Sky who are trying to charge me for my satellite dish. Well they told me it would be on the house.
- devonshire flu
- Posts: 1786
- Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2007 12:06 am
- Location: Has liked: 193 likes
- Has liked: 1 like
- Total likes: 46 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A couple are on a cruise ship that's returning to Southampton. They have been picking up exotic pets on their travels, and they now need to smuggle the pets through customs.
"I've figured out how to smuggle the bird of paradise in, darling", says the bloke. "We give it a sleeping pill in the morning, and you wear it through customs as a feather hat. They'll never notice".
"OK" says the wife, "but what about the python?"
"Same idea" says the bloke, "Sleeping pill, you tie the snake round your waist, it looks just like a snakeskin belt. They'll never notice."
"That works for me" says the wife, "but what about the skunk?"
"OK, this is tricky" says the bloke, "The only thing I can think of is: we give it a sleeping pill and you stuff it down your knickers. You'll be walking a bit bandy-legged through customs, and with a bit of luck, they'll never notice."
"But what about the smell?" asks the wife.
"Look, darling. If it dies, it dies."
"I've figured out how to smuggle the bird of paradise in, darling", says the bloke. "We give it a sleeping pill in the morning, and you wear it through customs as a feather hat. They'll never notice".
"OK" says the wife, "but what about the python?"
"Same idea" says the bloke, "Sleeping pill, you tie the snake round your waist, it looks just like a snakeskin belt. They'll never notice."
"That works for me" says the wife, "but what about the skunk?"
"OK, this is tricky" says the bloke, "The only thing I can think of is: we give it a sleeping pill and you stuff it down your knickers. You'll be walking a bit bandy-legged through customs, and with a bit of luck, they'll never notice."
"But what about the smell?" asks the wife.
"Look, darling. If it dies, it dies."
- -DL-
- Bag Man
- Posts: 30097
- Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
- Has liked: 834 likes
- Total likes: 4920 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A bloke walks into a bank in London and asks for the loan officer. He tells him he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and that he needs to borrow £5000.
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which is worth a quarter of a million pounds.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the bloke, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.
After the bloke leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as security against a £5,000 loan.
With the loan all done and dusted, one of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's top security underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the bloke returns, and repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £24.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my £250k car with impenetrable security for only £24.41 for an entire fortnight?"
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which is worth a quarter of a million pounds.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the bloke, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as security for the loan.
After the bloke leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as security against a £5,000 loan.
With the loan all done and dusted, one of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's top security underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the bloke returns, and repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £24.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my £250k car with impenetrable security for only £24.41 for an entire fortnight?"
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25477
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 486 likes
- Total likes: 1491 likes
- Dover KUMB fan
- Posts: 3242
- Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
- Total likes: 42 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
RIP Ingvar Kamprad founder of IKEA.
So that will be a Flat pack coffin with bits missing and instructions written in Swedish
So that will be a Flat pack coffin with bits missing and instructions written in Swedish
- Bamber Gascoigne
- Posts: 4661
- Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
- Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
- Has liked: 107 likes
- Total likes: 40 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Just bought some of that new "Lesbian" range of flat pack furniture.
No screws - its all tongue and groove..........
No screws - its all tongue and groove..........
- Bamber Gascoigne
- Posts: 4661
- Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
- Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
- Has liked: 107 likes
- Total likes: 40 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Many years ago as I entered a restaurant I heard screaming and shouting and saw a man in distress.
"HeIp him" cried a young lady "he is choking on a piece of German sausage".
I rushed over and performed the heimlich manoeuvre upon him causing him to shoot the offending piece of food out across the room. The guy slunk forward and then took in a deep breath and we knew all was well.
Everyone applauded and told me that I had saved the mans life.
The chap pulled himself to his feet and turned to thank me. Oh my God, I couldn't believe it - it was none other than the famous musician, singer, songwriter, record producer, and actor Meatloaf!
He looked at me, threw back his long head of hair and bellowed.........
"You took the wurst right out of my mouth"
"HeIp him" cried a young lady "he is choking on a piece of German sausage".
I rushed over and performed the heimlich manoeuvre upon him causing him to shoot the offending piece of food out across the room. The guy slunk forward and then took in a deep breath and we knew all was well.
Everyone applauded and told me that I had saved the mans life.
The chap pulled himself to his feet and turned to thank me. Oh my God, I couldn't believe it - it was none other than the famous musician, singer, songwriter, record producer, and actor Meatloaf!
He looked at me, threw back his long head of hair and bellowed.........
"You took the wurst right out of my mouth"
- Chicken Run Supreme
- Posts: 14922
- Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:58 am
- Location: Exiled in Angus
- Has liked: 874 likes
- Total likes: 855 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Think I've just been scammed by text.
Message said congratulations you've just one £250 or two tickets all expenses paid, to see an Elvis Presley Tribute Show.
Text 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Message said congratulations you've just one £250 or two tickets all expenses paid, to see an Elvis Presley Tribute Show.
Text 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
- Dover KUMB fan
- Posts: 3242
- Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
- Total likes: 42 likes
- Mega Ron
- Posts: 12447
- Joined: Thu Nov 30, 2006 2:35 pm
- Location: -.-- --- ..- / -.-. ..- -. - ...
- Has liked: 168 likes
- Total likes: 171 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
That is goodChicken Run Supreme wrote:Think I've just been scammed by text.
Message said congratulations you've just one £250 or two tickets all expenses paid, to see an Elvis Presley Tribute Show.
Text 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
- Posts: 31757
- Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
- Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
- Has liked: 642 likes
- Total likes: 594 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
What did the big football books sing to the little football book?
"You're supposed to be a tome"
(I made that up. Is it any good?)
"You're supposed to be a tome"
(I made that up. Is it any good?)
- Tenbury
- Posts: 9325
- Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:28 pm
- Location: Too near Kidderminster
- Has liked: 728 likes
- Total likes: 1226 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Can the entire population of the World speak fluent English now?
- OFT
- Posts: 21922
- Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
- Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
- Has liked: 3206 likes
- Total likes: 1839 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Here's one I nicked earlier:
I said to the doctor," there's something wrong with my ears"
He asked, What are the symptoms?
I replied, "they're a yellow cartoon family on the tv."
I said to the doctor," there's something wrong with my ears"
He asked, What are the symptoms?
I replied, "they're a yellow cartoon family on the tv."
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Backed a horse yesterday called "Cold Tap"
think its still running...
think its still running...
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13895
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 495 likes
- Total likes: 1975 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Ha ha ha ha hahahahahahahah.vietnammer wrote:What did the big football books sing to the little football book?
"You're supposed to be a tome"
(I made that up. Is it any good?)
No.
- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
- Posts: 31757
- Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
- Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
- Has liked: 642 likes
- Total likes: 594 likes