The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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delbert
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by delbert »

ageing hammer wrote:Two English brothers ( siamese twins) are trying to get into a nightclub in Paris. The bouncer stops them and says "sorry boys regulars only." The brothers complain that they are regulars and come to the club once a month. The bouncer calls the manager who tells the bouncer yes it's true they are well known here and are regulars let them in. The bouncer is told to buy the lads a drink and appologise. He does this and tells them that it's his first week on the job and he didn't know etc.. the lads accept the drinks and his appology. The bouncer asks them "if you live in england why do you come over here so often, is it because the french birds are sexier than the brits." " Nah" says one of the lads, "it's because it's the only time my brother gets a chance to drive." :D
That I like....... :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

Rocketron wrote:[quote

Nice joke, but it's Caretaker in the UK not Janitor.
Not necessarily a pop at you fellah, everyone that posts US jokes without editing. :D
em........................in Scotland it;s janitor (jannie)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

Man driving down the road.
Woman driving up the road.
They pass each other.
Man shouts out the window .FUCKIN BIG FAT COW!!!
Woman yells out window ; FUCKIN ****er !!!
Woman drives round the corner and is killed instant



If only women would listen ..............................
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

Missus asks ;'Why don't we make love like they do in films?"
So i bent her over ****ed her up the arse and came over her face.........................

















Turns out we don't watch same films !!!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

Rocketron wrote:[quote

Nice joke, but it's Caretaker in the UK not Janitor.
Not necessarily a pop at you fellah, everyone that posts US jokes without editing. :D

em........................in Scotland it;s janitor (jannie)

My sincere apologies, eejay. :oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

Rocketron wrote:Rocketron wrote:[quote

Nice joke, but it's Caretaker in the UK not Janitor.
Not necessarily a pop at you fellah, everyone that posts US jokes without editing. :D

em........................in Scotland it;s janitor (jannie)

My sincere apologies, eejay. :oops:
accepted
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

eejay wrote:Missus asks ;'Why don't we make love like they do in films?"
So i bent her over f***ed her up the arse and came over her face.........................

Turns out we don't watch same films !!!!
:lol: :lol:

Ahem, anyway, an unintelligent person comes home from his first day on the new building site and his wife notices he has 'L' and 'R' painted in red on his left and right boots respectively. What's that for? she asks........after some thought he explains that it's so he can get them the right way round. Now, she says, I wonder if that's why it says C&A on my drawers.....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

vietnammer wrote:[quote=

Ahem, anyway, an unintelligent person comes home from his first day on the new building site and his wife notices he has 'L' and 'R' painted in red on his left and right boots respectively. What's that for? she asks........after some thought he explains that it's so he can get them the right way round. Now, she says, I wonder if that's why it says C&A on my drawers.....
Viet dude like the way you worded that !! Got a bit of a dodgy joke , no wantin another warning ! i may follow you're lead :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

What do you call a Mexican peeping tom?


Senior minge !!!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

Murphy-"Tell me now, what's your pet hate?"

Paddy- "It doesn't like things stuck up it's arse !!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

" Hi mate , just driving my new Toyota Prius. Chat later, can't stop.........................
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital . One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.



When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.



The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. 'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to
her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have
any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the
next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

wibble
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

Teacher to her class of primary school kids says



“Who can tell me the name of something which ends in TOR and eats things”



Little Mary puts up her hand and says "Miss, Miss an alligaTOR”

“Very good” says the teacher



Little Billy puts up his hand and says "Miss, Miss a PredaTOR”

“That really is very good” says the teacher





Little Rupert excitedly waves his hand about and says "Pwease Miss, Pwease Miss a wapTOR”

“That really is excellent” says the teacher



Then little Johnny puts his hand up and says “Miss a vibraTOR”

“I don’t think that’s right” says the teacher “but what do you think they eat?”



Jonny says “well miss I don’t know about them all, but my sister says that her’s just eats batteries”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me,
an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious
she was a little irritated. . . . ..

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pounds fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change ?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by eejay »

just been thrown out of a muslim clothes shop ................................
................only asked if they had any bomber jackets !!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Paleontologists often wonder if, with such small arms, the Tyrannosaur was able to self - pleasure. Find out about the latest research in the next ****ing with Dinosaurs


(this was on 'Mock the Week' tonight)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by GideaParkHammer »

A man sees an advert for pianist at a posh tea room.

Clutching the folded job application, he enters the bar and asks "where is the f*cking d*ckead manager"

Embarrased, the receptionist asks him to mind his language as the manager comes over to enquire about his presence.

"Look you knobhead, I am a dog's boll*cks pianist, give me the job you w*anker"

Embarrassed the manager asks the pianist to play some of his music.

The pianist play some of the most beautiful classical music. The Manager, clearly impressed, says "that is the most poignant music I have ever heard, what is it called?" "Anal Sex in G minor replies the pianist.


The pianist the plays the most soulful blues piece. Again the staggered manage enquires as to the name of such a mellow piece of music. "The dog is on the porch with my c*ck in its mouth" claims the musician.

"OK, you are the greatest pianist I have ever heard, the job is yours if you promise not to speak".

"F*cking result" the happy musician declares.

On his first night, he plays his beautiful music without saying a word. The tip jar is full.

He decides to take a break and informs the manager..."Oh ****hole, I am off for a w*ank" he declares.

Returning after "satisfying himself", one of the clients looks at him, and politely asks him.."Do you know your penis is hanging out, and you have cum on your shoes?".

"Know it? Know it?", utters the musician, "I wrote the f*cking song"
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