The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[screech]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.

[North wales Hammer]

Scouser cops off with a prostitute,the prostitute says' would you like a blow job'
The scouser says'will it affect my dole money'

[North wales Hammer]

A feminist visits kabul just after the fall of the taliban and is not pleased to find women must walk 5 paces behind the men,A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk 5 paces behind the women,she asked the interpreter ''what bought about the change''he replied''land mines''!!

[hummous]

A feminist visits kabul just after the fall of the taliban and is not pleased to find women must walk 5 paces behind the men,A year later she returns and is delighted to find that men must now walk 5 paces behind the women,she asked the interpreter ''what bought about the change''he replied''land mines''!!

see the other 'jokes' thread has been locked. What's the acronym NSFW ?

[hummous]

Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender walks up to him and says, “Would you care for a drink?”

Descartes replies, “I think not.” and disappears

[Di Wolfio]

Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender walks up to him and says, “Would you care for a drink?”

Descartes replies, “I think not.” and disappears

Where's that tumbleweed emoticon when you need it.....

[vietnammer]

Daycarts indeed! :lol:

Lets go crass again....

Bloke goes for first date with a bird. Do you want to come back meet me parents etc.

Ok

I have to warn you they're deaf and dumb and speak in sign language

Man of the world, me.

I'll go make tea and you introduce yourself.......

She's waiting for the kettle and he comes out of the living room white as a sheet

What's the matter?

Well, your Mum's sitting with her skirt up and a bottle of beer up her snatch and your Dad's got his plums hanging out and two matchsticks propping his eyes open.

Oh! I told you they use sign language. She's saying "get the beers in yer ****" and he's saying "b*llocks, I'm watching the match".

[hammer]

Where's that tumbleweed emoticon when you need it.....

[OsloHammer]

A couple who live in an old terraced house take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her that, being an old house, it didn't have a bath but she could use the tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she
said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself.."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there.
Do you have pubic hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked,
"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

[GideaParkHammer]

After 60 years of marriage, this old couple start talking about making their Diamond Anniversary special.

They agree to have a party for friends and family, but the old guy mentions to his wife....

"We have not had sex for 10 years. We should go back to that old farm where we first made love"

The wife thinks for a while, and is impressed that her husband can still remember the first time..."Oh yes, I remember that night we made love against the fence in Farmer Giles' farm, I felt so free and young".

The day comes, and they pack their sandwiches, and a flask of tea, and head for the country.

Looking at the map, they could not find the old farm with all the redevelopments, so they stop when they see and old yokel.

"Could you tell me the way to Giles' Farm", the husband asks.

The Yokel scratches his head and chews on the straw in the corner of his mouth...he then gives detailed directions before uttering

"Ya know Farmer Giles, ee beez dead for many a year, why ya goin' der"

Coyly, the woman tells the story of their first romantic encounter.

They walk to the fence, and tentativly undress before the lady rests her back on the fence. They clinch, and within seconds the old guy is banging her with the force of a 17 year old. All the time the yokel watching from a distance.

A passing youth looks over and sees this old guy banging away like a dog in heat and asks the yokel.."what beez going on der?"

The yokel re-tells the romanic story about the couple re-living their first romantic encounter.

"Aye, that beez a romantic tale" says the young man "but he must be over 70 and I have never seen such energetic sex"

The yokel chews some more on his straw, and answers..."Aye, but that fence werent electric in those old days"

[North wales Hammer]

Wife says to her to her husband,
''shall i slip into something more comfortable to make you smile?''
Husband replies,''how about a fuckin coma!''

[hummous]

Wife asked me to get something that would make her look sexier,
i did- 12 cans of Stella

[window74]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts..

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

'You sign! You sign!'

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts..

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:







(It's a beauty)











(Wait for it)












(Get your best Chinese accent ready)













'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[window74]

Back in the 80s, before Datsun rebranded themselves, a chap had a large and expensive Datsun which was his pride and joy.
Suddenly, without warning (ain't that always the way?) the gearbox started making grinding noises, so off he goes the Datsun service centre, only to be told some of the internal gearwheels had a design fault, and he'd need a new gearbox.

Or get some new innards, which was almost as expensive.

He was making a business trip to Japan a couple of days later, where the bits would be a lot cheaper, so this was the course he and the service centre agreed on. They gave him a list of bits, with all the serial numbers. It was quite a long list.

To cut a potentially long joke a bit shorter, he duly obtains the spare parts, which weigh a fair bit, and takes the flight home.

Over the Middle East, the plane developes engine problems, and they have to reduce weight drastically.

Which basically meant jettisoning all the luggage. Including this chap's gear components.

It had been a time of drought in that part of the country for some time. They'd tried everything: raindances, seeding clouds, sacrificing virgins, all to no avail.

Suddenly all these bits of gearbox descend on them.

"Allah be praised, it's raining Datsun cogs".

[window74]

My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad.

Not as in, with a stick...

He just died first :lol:

[window74]

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said . . . . . .

"Nope....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"

[hummous]

At the cemetary today , i saw 4 guys carrying a coffin round and round and round .
I thought to myself ; They've lost the fuckin plot !

[hummous]

Driving to work this morning i saw a RACman sitting in his van crying his eyes out .
i thought , he's heading for a breakdown .

[szola]

Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkled?

Because if he was small, white and round, he'd be an aspirin.

[szola]

Two cows are standing in the pasture. One turns to the other and says:
- "Although pi is usually abbreviated to five numbers, it actually goes on to infinity"
The second cow turns to the first and says:
- "Moo"