|Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.
Lewisham-mer, best one i've seen for a while (sorry AH!)..but read the title of the thread.. your cheating! Brilliant.
Did you hear the one about a farmer who was feeding his chickens hot curries to flavour the meat to sell to Indian restaurants. One of the chickens collapses, so he took it to the vet. On close inspection the vet said, “I’m very sorry but he appears to have slipped into a Korma!”
Fair play to Lewisham he always comes up with a good one every now and then (thumb up thingy)
3 Pages to the magic ton lads come on :
This food inspector was inspecting a cake factory and a baker had a desperate hangover and was also told he wasn't getting a full weeks pay as he was late one day that week. The inspector came over to watch him at work. The baker was shaping biscuit cakes but he was using his top set of dentures to cut out the shape of the biscuits!
The horrified inspector blurted out "Excuse me EXCUSE ME, don't you have a special tool to do that job"
The baker grinned and replied "Course I do mate but I only use that for the ring doughnuts"
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandad sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandad, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and didn't answer him. "Grandad, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Just been to see a hit man about taking care of the wife, we first agreed a price then i asked him how he will do it, he said "i will shoot her at close range, just below the left nipple.
"**** that" i said "i want her dead not knee capped
A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him.
After a woman was raped the investigating officer asked, "Anything you can remember about your attacker will be a great help in our investigation."
"There was one thing," she said looking down at the table, "He supported Wigan Athletic."
"Oh why didn't you say before?" replied the officer with a smile, "We know him."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Two guys are walking round a supermarket when their trolleys collide.
One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long blonde hair, long legs, big boobs and a firm a**e.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
Ha ha Russell, I am getting great mileage out of that one ,very good mate
I was in a pub the other night, & this fat old munter decided to dance on the table. I walked past & commented "Amazing legs!"
She replied "do you think?"
I said "For sure! Any other table would have collapsed by now!"
A married couple realise they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together. "Look at this", demands the wife, "£30 on Beer".
Husband replies, "Well, what about this? £40 on make up?"
The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."
The husband shouts back, "That's what the f**king beer was for!"
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."