The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby fjthegrey on Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:13 pm

Royston: Republic d'Essex wrote:You've ruined my day sir. You think on that the next time you post a joke you haven't had the decency to proof-read.


I was thinking the same thing.

Why did the monkey fall out the tree?

Because he was dead.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby eejay on Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:24 pm

:oops:

Differece 'tween an apple and an orange ?










You can't get an apple b*stard !!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby eejay on Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:31 pm

Wife goes into hospital to get a nip and tuck on her twat .
Next day she wakes up to see three roses on her bed.
She asks who they're from.
!st from surgeon- the op was a success'
2nd from husband , who had a look under the covers and can't wait to get you home..........
and the 3rd is from Rab in the burns unit who says thanks for the ears !!!!!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby eejay on Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:32 pm

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend rings reception asking for condoms.

Receptionist says. "Shall I put them on your bill?"

"Don't be thukin thupid I'd thuffocate!"......
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby eejay on Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:35 pm

Capello is expected to name Gary Neville as the new captain.
This is based on he hasn't got a chance of shagging anyone's bird .
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Glory Hunter on Sat Feb 06, 2010 12:02 am

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?


Cos' they're ugly and they smell.



Mickey Mouse is in the Divorce Courts. The beak turns to him and says 'Mr Mouse, I don't think it is reasonable grounds to divorce your wife simply because she has buck-teeth'.


Mickey replies 'I didn't say she had buck-teeth, I said she was ****ing Goofy'.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby GideaParkHammer on Sat Feb 06, 2010 12:13 am

A woman stands in Sainsburys', unloading her basket at the checkout. She notices, behind her, a good looking man. She smiles and he smiles back.

Beep Beep goes the scanner as the meal for one goes through, then the single apple. Next is the the half loaf, followed by a single pint of milk. She makes eye contact with the man.

He mutters..."I guess you are single"

The girl giggles, batters her eye lashes and responds..."Oh you know that because of my shopping?"

"Nah", answers the man, "Because you are one ugly bitch"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby GideaParkHammer on Sat Feb 06, 2010 12:25 am

Little Jonny comes home for school. His father asks him what homework he has. Jonny says he has to do on an essay on the difference between potential and reality.

"Ehhhhm", goes the day. "I will help". "Now go and ask your mother whether she would sleep with Richard Gere for £1m, then go and and ask your sister whether she would sleep with Brad Pitt for the same amount"

Armed with this help, Jonny finds his mum..."Mum, would you sleep with Richard Gere for £1m"........His mother blushes, and replies "Shhhh, dont tell your father, but Richard Gere is a good looking man, so yes"

Content with the answer, Jonny finds his sister. "Now would you sleep with Brad Pitt for $1m". Straight away his sister says "Hell yeah, Brad is so hot"

The boy returns to his father. His Dad asks, "So son, did you find out the difference between potential and reality?" Jonny proudly answers..."Yes Dad....Potentially we are sitting on £2m, in reality we are living with a couple of slags"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby eejay on Sat Feb 06, 2010 3:52 pm

SCHOOL DAYS

I can still remember play-time at school. A bit of footy, sneakin’ a quick cigarette & trying to finger the girls behind the bike shed.

I f***king loved that jannie’s job.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby eejay on Sat Feb 06, 2010 3:53 pm

IN DA PUB

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything but Stella.

Barman asks ‘what’s wrong with Stella?’

Bloke say’s ‘I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was F***king skint.’

Barman say’s ’12 pints of anything costs about the same.

Bloke replies ‘Skint is my dog.’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby eejay on Sat Feb 06, 2010 3:54 pm

LOVE IS

Whenever a woman complains about giving a blow job, just remind her how it is easier to swallow a teaspoon of cream than it is to lick a dead fish.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby 2&8 on Sat Feb 06, 2010 5:14 pm

Royston: Republic d'Essex wrote:[
You're thinking of Daffy Duck... and frankly that spoilt my entire enjoyment of the joke. Oh why, oh why can't people make a simple check on the details of the cartoon ducks they use in their jokes? For the record, Donald sounds like a scouser with throat cancer (but without the Anfield whip-round) and Daffy is the one with the thpeech impediment. And another thing, if it was Daffy he can breath perfectly well without a bill. The other day I saw one of his adventures when he accidentally blew his beak off while looking down the barrels of a shotgun after it had failed to go off. Following the injury, Daffy Duck (same surname but no relation to Donald) was incensed and stomped around a bit before picking up his bill and walking out of the room - which he would have been unable to do if he could not breathe. What do you think of that? Hmm? Hmm?

You've ruined my day sir. You think on that the next time you post a joke you haven't had the decency to proof-read.


Don't!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Sat Feb 06, 2010 6:50 pm

eejay wrote:SCHOOL DAYS

I can still remember play-time at school. A bit of footy, sneakin’ a quick cigarette & trying to finger the girls behind the bike shed.

I f***king loved that jannie’s job.

Nice joke, but it's Caretaker in the UK not Janitor.
Not necessarily a pop at you fellah, everyone that posts US jokes without editing. :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby 2&8 on Sat Feb 06, 2010 11:00 pm

Gordon Bennett! Is this the 'Non Racist Crap Joke and Bleedin' Pedantic Response Thread', or what? Still funny, though.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby tartanammer on Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:39 am

What has long, thick black curly hair and lips that have never been kissed ?
Susan Boyle's f :shock: nny
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jordy69 on Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:50 am

Ive just started cage fighting!!!! I won my first fight earlier today......
fuckin budgie didnt know what hit him..... :P
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby tartanammer on Sun Feb 07, 2010 4:06 pm

I got a new job working for the samaritans, iv'e just tried to phone in sick and the bastards talked me out of it !
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Feb 07, 2010 8:35 pm

tartanammer wrote:I got a new job working for the samaritans, iv'e just tried to phone in sick and the bastards talked me out of it !

:clap:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Sun Feb 07, 2010 9:32 pm

Two English brothers ( siamese twins) are trying to get into a nightclub in Paris. The bouncer stops them and says "sorry boys regulars only." The brothers complain that they are regulars and come to the club once a month. The bouncer calls the manager who tells the bouncer yes it's true they are well known here and are regulars let them in. The bouncer is told to buy the lads a drink and appologise. He does this and tells them that it's his first week on the job and he didn't know etc.. the lads accept the drinks and his appology. The bouncer asks them "if you live in england why do you come over here so often, is it because the french birds are sexier than the brits." " Nah" says one of the lads, "it's because it's the only time my brother gets a chance to drive." :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eastleigh Hammer on Mon Feb 08, 2010 12:19 am

What's Mary short for?
'Cos she's got little legs.

What do you give a man who's got everything?
Penicillin.

Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

--------------------------------------

A man goes in to Tesco for a sandwich one day to find his wife with
another man walking around doing some shopping. He leaves and goes
back to work enraged at what he saw. He decides not confront his wife
but to keep going back to Tesco to see if this is a regular thing. To
his dismay he finds that it is, and that it happens every Friday
lunchtime. The man keeps quiet for a couple of months going to Tesco
every Friday lunchtime in order to follow the unknown man and his wife
around the shop.

The man can take no more and begins drinking in his local every chance
he gets. One evening he is telling a man at the bar about his dilemma
and asks him what he should do. The man replies that he knows someone
who would do them both over and will arrange a meeting if he wants. A
meeting is arranged for the following evening in the pub.

The man is introduced to a huge bloke called Arti. He tells him the
story and Arti says that he will do them over together in Tesco. The
man asks about a fee and Arti tells him that he loves to kill people
and will accept a token fee of a pound. The deal is done and the place
is set to Tesco on Friday lunchtime.

Arti awaits their arrival and follows them around the shop for a while
and then pounces on them, strangling them both with his bare hands. As
Arti runs out of the shop two security guards tackle him to the ground
and wait for the police. He is caught and tried for murder and found
guilty. The headline in the paper the next day read:

ARTI CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO



So many crap jokes, so little time :lol:
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