The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Hammer.CA]

A young man walks in to his mum's house and says to his mum "Great news mum, I'm getting married" his mum says "well I'm pleased for you, who to?" So the son says "I'm going to bring home 3 beautiful young women and I'd like you to try and guess which one is going to be my wife" so his mother agrees.
The next day he brings the 3 lovely ladies to the house and they all sit down and his mother talks to them for a while and then the son says "ok mum, which one do you think I'm going to marry?" and his mum says "the redhead in the middle". He says "that's right, how did you know it was her?" His mum says "I don't like her"

[Hammer.CA]

The problem with porn for young people today is that it gives them an unrealistic idea of how quick you can get a plumber to come to your house.

[swisstony]

Got approached by a street magician claiming to be a mind reader today, he said "Think of any card, and focus on it, focus intently, picture yourself holding it and repeat it in your mind". After the usual stage show, fingers on the temple and intense staring, he glares at me and says "Three of Clubs!!", I answer "Sorry, you're wrong". A few seconds later he says "Nine of Hearts!!!", I reply "Nope, wrong again". So he asks "Well what card are you thinking of?"..... Congratulation on the birth of your new son

[Made In Leyton 1974]

There will be a national charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm....
If you can't come, just let them know

[Sauce!]

I saw my friend stood outside the Doctor's today. He looked really worried and upset so I asked him, "What's the matter?"
He replied, "I've got the big C."

I was shocked. "What, cancer?" I asked.

"No, dyslexia."

[OFT]

Teacher asks her junior class,
What do Hens give us?
The Class replies ...Eggs Miss

What do sheep give us?
Wool Miss

What do fat pigs give us?
Bacon Miss

What do fat cows give us?
Homework Miss

[Haarlemammer]

Tough set of fixtures coming up for Enya rugby club:

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

[psychoscoredthelot]

Tough set of fixtures coming up for Enya rugby club:

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

[Welling]

In a recent NHS survey about constipation, 9 out of 10 people said that they couldn't give a s***.

[Made In Leyton 1974]

I went to a Kinky Fetish Restaurant last night.
I got toed in the hole!

[Sauce!]

Last night an insect flew into our living room and exploded.

I think it must have been a Jihaddy Long Legs.

[Joyeux Marteau]

not sure if this has been done before

Type gob s h i t e (2nd part needs to be all one word no spaces) into Google maps - see where it takes you . . .


(apologies for the swear word but it needs it otherwise it will not work)

[Nap]

not sure if this has been done before

Type gob s h i t e (2nd part needs to be all one word no spaces) into Google maps - see where it takes you . . .


(apologies for the swear word but it needs it otherwise it will not work)

You need to stick an s on the end of that.

[Haarlemammer]

Walked past the bookies, earlier and there's a sign in the window, saying,

Open Sunday 11 - 4

I thought, it's been open the last 3 Sundays.

I'm going to have a tenner on that.

[S-H]

not sure if this has been done before

Type gob s h i t e (2nd part needs to be all one word no spaces) into Google maps - see where it takes you . . .


(apologies for the swear word but it needs it otherwise it will not work)

That's glorious

[pablo jaye]

^^^^^

Agreed, it is hilarious.

[Cockneyboy311]

Tough set of fixtures coming up for Enya rugby club:

Sale (A)
Sale (A)
Sale (A)

Took me a second, but once i got it

[Dover KUMB fan]

A dress of Amy Winehouse sold for £43,200 today. That sounds excessive, but you have to remember a lot of needlework went into it.

[Dover KUMB fan]

On I'm a celebrity last night, someone got bitten by an aggressive ant.
Apparently, he was foaming at the mouth & suffering withdrawal symptoms.

[sicknote]

I went to the offy on my bicycle last night, bought a bottle of scotch, and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, i thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so i drank all the scotch before i cycled home

It turned out to be a very good decision, because i fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home