The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby carnage on Wed Aug 22, 2018 10:38 pm

Chicken Run Supreme wrote:Sinead O'Connor will be singing at Barry Chuckle's funeral..................Nothing Compares 2 you 2 me


Reminded me of the Smashy ‘N Nicey sketch.

At 8 it’s Sinead O’Connor with Nothing Compares to you, and at 7 it’s U2 with Nothing Compares to Sinead O’Connor.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Thu Aug 23, 2018 12:37 am

Anthropologist interviewing Native Americans:

What's your name?

Ten Bears.

Why?

Because ten bears passed through our village just before I was born.


And what's your wife's name?

Four Horses

So there were four horses in the village when she was born?

No. Nag Nag Nag Nag


(thanks Cuenca)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Chicken Run Supreme on Thu Aug 23, 2018 8:03 am

Businessman walks up to the Hotel reception where he is staying and asks if the porn on his TV can be disabled.
"**** off, you sick b*stard, we only do standard porn!" She replied.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Georgee Paris on Thu Aug 23, 2018 11:25 am

Next time your wife gets angry put a cape on her and say “now you are, super angry!”
Maybe she’ll laugh, or maybe you’ll die.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Moxy on Thu Aug 23, 2018 11:35 am

What did the squid say to the bagpipes? “I’ll **** ya if I can get those pyjamas off!”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Aug 23, 2018 11:57 am

vietnammer wrote:Anthropologist interviewing Native Americans:

What's your name?

Ten Bears.

Why?

Because ten bears passed through our village just before I was born.


And what's your wife's name?

Four Horses

So there were four horses in the village when she was born?

No. Nag Nag Nag Nag


(thanks Cuenca)



Chief says here comes my cousin "Two dogs shagging" :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Fri Aug 24, 2018 12:43 am

Son: "Dad - who's this Lenny Henry bloke everyone's talking about on the telly?"

Dad: "Ah. Lenny Henry. Well, I suppose he's a sort of comedian"

Son: "Comedian? Whats the funniest thing he's been in then?"

Dad "Dawn French"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sat Aug 25, 2018 9:06 am

A crisis has been averted for the visit to Ireland of the Pontiff, When it was discovered that the Pope mobile wouldn't start an official offered to lend his papal carrier.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Mon Aug 27, 2018 8:52 am

While riding my motorcycle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my motorbike, I guess."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Aug 27, 2018 9:40 am

OFT wrote:A crisis has been averted for the visit to Ireland of the Pontiff, When it was discovered that the Pope mobile wouldn't start an official offered to lend his papal carrier.


I can beat that, the Pope was late attending Croke Park and they announced he was stuck in traffic :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Tue Aug 28, 2018 2:36 pm

Bamber Gascoigne wrote:Son: "Dad - who's this Lenny Henry bloke everyone's talking about on the telly?"

Dad: "Ah. Lenny Henry. Well, I suppose he's a sort of comedian"

Son: "Comedian? Whats the funniest thing he's been in then?"

Dad "Dawn French"


sorry for this not being a joke of sorts but during comic relief i was stood outside county hall when the sugababes come out so i hung around to have a decent look at them and a few more celebrities came out to get into cars whilst a bank of photographers snapping away, along comes lenny henry and he absolutely blanks a few kids who ask him for his autograph, so i shout out Oi Lenny, he pauses and turns to me and then i carry on ' remember when you were funny ? everyone cracks up except lenny..... thus proving my point
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Collector on Tue Aug 28, 2018 9:16 pm

Bamber Gascoigne wrote:Son: "Dad - who's this Lenny Henry bloke everyone's talking about on the telly?"

Dad: "Ah. Lenny Henry. Well, I suppose he's a sort of comedian"

Son: "Comedian? Whats the funniest thing he's been in then?"

Dad "Dawn French"


psychoscoredthelot wrote:sorry for this not being a joke of sorts but during comic relief i was stood outside county hall when the sugababes come out so i hung around to have a decent look at them and a few more celebrities came out to get into cars whilst a bank of photographers snapping away, along comes lenny henry and he absolutely blanks a few kids who ask him for his autograph, so i shout out Oi Lenny, he pauses and turns to me and then i carry on ' remember when you were funny ? everyone cracks up except lenny..... thus proving my point


Just because he couldn’t remember?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Fri Aug 31, 2018 2:03 pm

Why doesn't Wonga consolidate all their outstanding debts into one easily affordable loan?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri Aug 31, 2018 2:12 pm

Hammer.CA wrote:Why doesn't Wonga consolidate all their outstanding debts into one easily affordable loan?

The government have stepped in & offered to bail them out. With an interest rate of 6000% APR
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Mega Ron on Fri Aug 31, 2018 2:45 pm

A friend of mine suffers from narcolepsy and it can be really difficult for her.

We're standing there having a nice chat and 20 seconds later I'm having sex.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Mon Sep 03, 2018 7:05 pm

A bloke goes into the Barbers, the Barber is in a mood and a right miserable git
He sits down and the Barber says "Going on holiday then"?
The guy replies "Yes ,me and the wife are going to Rome", the Barber says "I wouldn't bother mate, we went last month and it was sh*t, who are you flying with Al Italia"?
The guy replies "Yes"
The Barber says "We flew with them ,they were sh*t, I bet you're going to the Vatican to see the Pope as well"?
The guy replies "Yes, me and the wife are devout Catholics"
The Barber says "I knew it ,so predictable, me and the wife went there, it was sh*t"
A couple of months go by and one morning the bloke walks into the Barbers,the Barber recognises him and says "You're the guy who went to Rome, sh*t isn't it"?
The guy replies "Actually it was wonderful, the weather, people and the food were all fabulous"
"What about Al Italia, they're **** aren't they"? said the Barber*
"Actually we got upgraded and the flight was great" replies the guy
"How was the Vatican then? I bet it was sh*t" asks the Barber
The guy replies "Actually it was brilliant, the Swiss Guard came out and selected me and the wife and ten other people for a private audience with His Holiness, we were taken into his private study, where we held prayers and then the Pope laid his hand on our heads and blessed us"
The Barber asks "Did he say anything to you"?
The guy said "Yes, he said "Who the hell cut your hair? it's f*cking sh*t!!..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Mon Sep 03, 2018 7:14 pm

Why does a man ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Cos he's tired of using his own
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Fri Sep 07, 2018 8:24 am

Someone has ripped a load of pages from the front and back of my dictionary.

It just goes from bad to worse.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Haarlemammer on Fri Sep 07, 2018 5:00 pm

I feel a bad spell of wether coming on....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Puff Daddy on Fri Sep 07, 2018 5:25 pm

This from when Irish jokes were the thing

In the days of The French Revolution and The Bastille

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman facing execution at the guillotine. The executioner asks each in turn if they have a last wish and would they prefer face up, or face down. First, he asks the Englishman and he says, well yes, actually I do. I would like to ask the band to play Jerusalem and can I please have a pint of bitter. The executioner says, well that seems quite reasonable, I don't have a problem with that, band please play Jerusalem for this guy and bring him a pint of bitter. After the band had finished and the Englishman had knocked back his pint, the executioner asks him, now would you prefer face up or face down? The Englishman said, oh face down please. The blade came racing down and then got jammed just millimetres from his head. The executioner said, this is a miracle, you are free to go.It is then the Scotsman's turn, the executioner said, you have one last wish, what would you like, the Scotsman said, can I please hear, Mull of Kintyre and can I please have a glass of scotch? The executioner says, that seems quite reasonable,I don't have a problem with that, band play Mull of Kintyre for this bloke and bring him a whisky. When the band finished and he had knocked back his scotch, the executioner said, now, my man, would you prefer face up, or face down ? The Scotsman, said, oh face down please. The blade came roaring down and stopped, just millimetres from his neck. The executioner said, well we seem to be having a few technical problems with this this morning, but this is a miracle, you are free to go. It is then the turn of the Irishman. The executioner asks, now old man, you have one last wish what would you like ? The Irishman says. Oi tink Oi would like to hear the band play Oh Danny Boy and I would like a pint of Guiness. The executioner says, that seems quite reasonable, I don't have a problem with that. After the band had finished and he had downed his pint of Guiness, the executioner turned to him and asked, now would you like face down, or face up? The Irishman said, Oi tink oi would like face up. Very well said the executioner and then just as the blade was about to come down, the Irishman said. "You know, I tink I can see what's wrong with that
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