The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Mon Mar 25, 2019 10:54 am

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in the water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:25 pm

WCS :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Mar 28, 2019 2:55 pm

I've just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling products.

They are exceedingly good fakes.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Fri Mar 29, 2019 5:38 pm

The ladies of a terribly posh WI assembled for a group photograph. The photographer came in with an old plate camera on a tripod and pulled the cover over his head.

Mrs Farquharson said to Mrs Ashley-Cooper "What's he doing now?"
Mrs Ashley-Cooper said, "Well, he's going to focus, isn't he?"
Mrs Farquharson said "What? All of us?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Sat Mar 30, 2019 1:35 pm

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultrasound guy.

Who takes his place when he's not there?
The hip replacement guy.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Apr 01, 2019 6:38 pm

"Your Only Fools & Horses obsession is ruining my life" shouted my wife, "I want you out of this house right now!"

"Fair enough" I replied. "I'll fetch the suitcase from the van."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Apr 03, 2019 10:56 am

I was interviewed by the police last night.
I answered every question with 'No Comment'.
They rang this morning, I didn't get the job :fsake:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Apr 04, 2019 9:44 am

Jokes are only funny in a communist state if everyone gets them.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Thu Apr 04, 2019 12:31 pm

'One man's meat is another man's poison' as my dear old dad used to say.

A lovely bloke but a wildly inconsistent butcher.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sat Apr 06, 2019 12:06 pm

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late, I've already started the paperwork."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby swisstony on Sat Apr 06, 2019 9:51 pm

If you challenge Death to a pillow fight, you best be ready for the reaper cushions.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Sun Apr 07, 2019 5:59 am

swisstony wrote:If you challenge Death to a pillow fight, you best be ready for the reaper cushions.


Dreadfull and brilliant. :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby V-M on Sun Apr 07, 2019 8:34 am

swisstony wrote:If you challenge Death to a pillow fight, you best be ready for the reaper cushions.


Brilliant!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Haarlemammer on Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:36 am

Just had two police officers at my front door
They asked me the following questions.
"Are you familiar with the letters HB"?
I said, "No I'm not"
"How about LS"?
"No"
"What about JD"?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
"No Sir, these are just initial enquiries...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Sun Apr 07, 2019 7:56 pm

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Mon Apr 08, 2019 12:06 pm

Local police are investigating a serious assault on a man last night who was beaten about the head with a power drill.
When interviewed the victim said “I was just walking along the street minding my own business and the next thing I knew, Bosch”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Apr 08, 2019 10:25 pm

Just had some bad news about my Uncle Terry... he is convinced that he's a chocolate orange.

We are thinking of having him sectioned.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Wed Apr 10, 2019 8:19 am

Went to my local Vietnamese restaurant last night. There was a sign on the door saying no dogs. I guess they must have been waiting for a delivery.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby djbubbles on Thu Apr 11, 2019 1:13 am

Teacher to class. Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?
Little Paddy sticks up his hand and spurts out Trudy Glen

Teacher says, no its not. The correct answer is Maid Marian.

Little Paddy. But teacher, sing the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue Apr 16, 2019 9:01 am

Due to the recent cold weather schools are advising parents to wear two pairs of pyjamas when picking up their children.
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