The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Apr 16, 2019 10:17 am

The last few :thup: :D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18849
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Apr 17, 2019 11:35 am

During the fire in Paris, firefighters rescued a small case. In it was a cheese roll, crisps, a biscuit & a carton of orange juice.

It was the Lunchpack of Notre Dame
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2920
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cockneyboy311 on Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:02 pm

djbubbles wrote:Teacher to class. Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?
Little Paddy sticks up his hand and spurts out Trudy Glen

Teacher says, no its not. The correct answer is Maid Marian.

Little Paddy. But teacher, sing the song. Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen



:lol:
User avatar
Cockneyboy311
 
Posts: 7939
Joined: Thu Oct 08, 2009 1:23 pm
Location: Fascination Street

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Puff Daddy on Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:29 pm

When does Batman know its dinner time?

Din-ner, din-ner, din-ner, din-ner, din-ner, din-ner, din-ner, din-ner, Batman !
User avatar
Puff Daddy
Gone for a Burton
 
Posts: 23540
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2007 3:08 pm
Location: Westham Way

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:11 pm

My wife and I were at a marriage counselling session. During a particularly heated exchange, the therapist looked me firmly in the eye and said “we need to talk about the elephant in the room”.

“See”, I shouted at my wife, “even our therapist thinks you’re fat!”
User avatar
Sauce!
 
Posts: 5613
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 9:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:44 pm

Quasimodo came home and saw his wife in the kitchen with a wok.

He drooled "Yummy are we having a stir fry for supper love"

She replies "no I'm just going to iron your shirts"
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18849
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:04 pm

:lol:
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
 
Posts: 25891
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 3:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby smuts on Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:23 pm

Dover KUMB fan wrote:During the fire in Paris, firefighters rescued a small case. In it was a cheese roll, crisps, a biscuit & a carton of orange juice.

It was the Lunchpack of Notre Dame


I have no idea why but that really tickled me :D
User avatar
smuts
 
Posts: 21325
Joined: Sun Jan 28, 2007 10:28 am
Location: East, East, East London

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Wed Apr 17, 2019 11:57 pm

^^^^^^^^^

me too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
User avatar
Cuenca 'ammer
ex 'ouston 'ammer
 
Posts: 30781
Joined: Thu Dec 05, 2002 5:19 pm
Location: Journey to the dead of night. High on a hill in Eldorado

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Puff Daddy on Thu Apr 18, 2019 4:14 pm

A condemned man tied to a stake and facing the firing squad is offered a cigarette by his executioner before giving the signal to fire and the condemned man refuses the offer by saying, " No thanks its bad for you"
User avatar
Puff Daddy
Gone for a Burton
 
Posts: 23540
Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2007 3:08 pm
Location: Westham Way

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ereford ammer on Tue Apr 23, 2019 7:27 pm

A vegan said to me that selling meat is disgusting .
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer.
User avatar
ereford ammer
 
Posts: 2065
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2007 8:21 pm
Location: At the next level with all the malcontents

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Wed Apr 24, 2019 8:15 am

That doesn't quite work,....take another butchers.
User avatar
Tenbury
 
Posts: 3321
Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:28 pm
Location: Too near Kidderminster

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby V-M on Wed Apr 24, 2019 5:56 pm

I was driving this morning and overtook a RAC van, the driver looked miserable and was sobbing. I thought he’s heading for a breakdown.
User avatar
V-M
 
Posts: 9629
Joined: Mon Oct 16, 2006 10:45 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby V-M on Wed Apr 24, 2019 5:59 pm

The wife has been missing for a week now, the police called and told me to prepare for the worse. So I headed down the charity shop and got her clothes back.
User avatar
V-M
 
Posts: 9629
Joined: Mon Oct 16, 2006 10:45 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Wed Apr 24, 2019 7:38 pm

Taking advantage of private enterprise using enterprise




A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa
User avatar
Rocketron
 
Posts: 11785
Joined: Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:45 pm
Location: Chillin' with the Chilean

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Sun Apr 28, 2019 5:53 am

“I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”

“I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'”

“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”

“The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.”

“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”
User avatar
Samba
 
Posts: 6217
Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
Location: Currently shedless

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Chicken Run Supreme on Mon Apr 29, 2019 7:48 am

Rocketron :thup:
User avatar
Chicken Run Supreme
 
Posts: 9745
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:58 am
Location: Exiled in Angus

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Tue Apr 30, 2019 6:33 pm

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake, so I yelled up to my wife,“Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion....
Then, as my wife wasn't sure she yelled "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understood and then signalled back.
She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast,
then she pointed to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her,
"What the hell was that?
She replied,"
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !
User avatar
Rocketron
 
Posts: 11785
Joined: Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:45 pm
Location: Chillin' with the Chilean

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Apr 30, 2019 7:34 pm

Genius :D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 18849
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Wed May 01, 2019 2:01 pm

A penguin walks in to a pub and says to the barman "I'm looking for my brother, have you seen him?"
The barman replies "What does he look like?"
Hammer.CA
 
Posts: 1629
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:37 pm

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: badabing, Tenbury and 4 guests