The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby tartanammer on Tue Feb 16, 2010 9:18 pm

Just bought the wife a new bag and belt for valentines day, the hoover works a f :D cking treat now !
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Nap on Wed Feb 17, 2010 1:22 pm

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and he heard a booming voice.
The Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports require reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Coley on Wed Feb 17, 2010 3:04 pm

Two hunters out in the woods, and all of a sudden one of the men drops down dead. The other hunter in a panic calls 999. The phone operator says "calm down sir, the first thing we need to do is make sure he's dead" There is silence on the phone followed by a gunshot.

The hunter gets back on the phone and says "ok now what?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Thu Feb 18, 2010 12:32 pm

She was only the Captain's daughter, but her naval base was full of discharged seamen.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Geordie Hammer on Thu Feb 18, 2010 4:28 pm

Plans to make the new TV series CSI Sunderland have been scrapped after producers found that nobody has any dental records there and they all have the same DNA
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby prince_huggy on Thu Feb 18, 2010 4:50 pm

Geordie Hammer wrote:Plans to make the new TV series CSI Sunderland have been scrapped after producers found that nobody has any dental records there and they all have the same DNA

:lol: Classic!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby North wales Hammer on Sat Feb 20, 2010 1:14 pm

Went past the new den last night and saw 6 season tickets nailed to the fence,Thought i will have them
You can never have too many nails!!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby tartanammer on Sun Feb 21, 2010 7:37 pm

A man visiting London zoo is standing outside the lion's enclosure watching a male lion lying in the sun licking its arse, One of the keepers passes and the man says "he's a placid creature isn't he" The keeper replies "not really sir why only an hour ago he devoured a sp*rs fan who inadvertantly wandered into his enclosure" but why is he lying there licking his arse" asks the man, the zoo keeper replies " he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby screech on Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:42 pm

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.

I carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."

He said, "You dirty ****ing pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can't believe what you are telling me."

I said, "Mate, dress size is important."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Geordie Hammer on Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:44 am

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Clio and the Taurus they have design the Clitaurus.

It comes in pink, the average male care theif won't be able to find it let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real c*nt to start in the morning
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Geordie Hammer on Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:47 am

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday Jerusalem when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company said that it will cost £5000 to ship her body back home or £500 to bury her there and then in the Holy Land.

The husband said ship her home. The undertaker was puzzled and said "but sir why don't you bury her in The Holy Land and save all that money?"

The husband said "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later rose from the dead.......I can't take the f*cking chance!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby GideaParkHammer on Tue Feb 23, 2010 12:55 pm

During a special Celebrity edition of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire", Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge:

"for £32000 what is the colour of your girlfriends fanny hair ?

Is it A) brown B) red C) blonde D) ginger"...

Wayne thinks for a while and says...... "Can i phone a friend"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby shammy on Tue Feb 23, 2010 4:14 pm

Irish geezer takes his goldfish to the vets and says 'my goldfish is epileptic' vet says 'it looks ok to me' .. the geezer says ' i ain't taken it out the bowl yet'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Geordie Hammer on Tue Feb 23, 2010 4:18 pm

shammy wrote:Irish geezer takes his goldfish to the vets and says 'my goldfish is epileptic' vet says 'it looks ok to me' .. the geezer says ' i ain't taken it out the bowl yet'



It took me some time but I got there eventually :lol: :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby BMLGirl on Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:39 pm

What’s worse than the dog chewing your shoe?

A whale eating your trainer!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby 2&8 on Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:23 pm

BMLGirl wrote:What’s worse than the dog chewing your shoe?

A whale eating your trainer!


That is sooo good! :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Mon Mar 01, 2010 2:22 pm

Carlos Tevez's missus presents him with the new baby;

"It doesn't look anything like me"

"Give us a chance, I haven't put the kettle on yet"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby hummous on Mon Mar 01, 2010 7:01 pm

What d'you call uncircumcized jewish children?


Girls :(
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby delbert on Mon Mar 01, 2010 11:41 pm

vietnammer wrote:Carlos Tevez's missus presents him with the new baby;

"It doesn't look anything like me"

"Give us a chance, I haven't put the kettle on yet"


:thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby hummous on Tue Mar 02, 2010 8:17 pm

Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.
"May the first person come." He said

"Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person.

"State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said.

"Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord."

"Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven."

And off the nun went.

"Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life."

"I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious."

"Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now." he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?"

"Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a beautiful Girl.

"Here is a key made of Copper." he said.

"Is that the key to Hell?!"

"No, thst is the key, for my apartment."
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