The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[ageing hammer]

Beyonce has just found out that roy castle was her real father however she wont be using his surname

She can't do that as she ain't a "single lady " anymore, mind you she could use it if "she was a boy" I don't think Roy would be worried about his" Child's Destiny" after all "She's a survivor "












I know I am "irreplaceable and a beautiful liar"

[lewisham-mer]

My racing snail had been losing his last few races, so my mate suggested that I remove its shell to make it more aerodynamic, thus, faster.

"I already tried that," I said. "now he's even more sluggish."

[orbital]

BBC News - "Wettest June since records began"
I blame that 'fifty shades of grey' book.

[trick88]

50 Shades of Andy Gray....


Suddenly he stopped pounding her. Something was wrong. "Your condom" she said red faced "it came off in me." He grinned "pick that one out!"

She lay trembling, no one had ever screwed her like that. He lay over her panting body & looked at his throbbing sword "take a bow, son."

He enters her & sighs mournfully. Even his thick power rod finds her pink palace too large. “What’s up?” She asks. “I’m in acres of space.”

[trick88]

Fire crews are currently battling a blaze reported to be at Robin Van Persie's mansion..


Police suspect its Arsene..

[Tristan Shout]

Romford and Las Vegas, 2 places you can pay for sex with chips

[West Ham Dave]

Rangers have been told by GoalRef and Hawk-Eye they will not be able to use the new goal line technology next season, apparantly they are not far enough advanced with the system for it to be accurate when piles of clothing are being used as goal posts.

[don't burst my bubble]

A very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[morrisey is a hammer]

John Terry made a passionate denial of the allegations that he is racist. England's Brave Lionheart John Terry said, "I am not a racist. I detest racism. Racism is a crime.

....And crime is for black people"

[Lilyhammer]

Dwarf couple who work in a circus are having a baby. They go to the doctors for a check up. Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me, what do you want, a boy or a girl?" Guy says "We don't really give a **** to be honest as long as it fits in a cannon

[ageing hammer]

A bloke is cleaning out his attic on a Sunday afternoon and he comes across a ticket from a shoe repair shop. It was dated 1953 and the shoes had belong to his late dad. He remembered that his dad had sent him down there with the shoes for repair.He kept the receipt in his pocket and finished the attic. The next day while shopping he ended up walking down an old street and remembered that the shoe repair shop would have been down this very street. The address on the ticket said it was number 52 so as he was going that way anyway he thought he would see what kind of a shop was there now. To his amazement the shoe shop was still there and open for business! He went in and saw this 95 year old man behind the counter. He couldn't let the moment go without telling the old cobbler about his ticket.

The cobbler took the ticket and said " My oh My that was nearly 60 years ago, just stay there for a minute" and he went out the back of the shop.

He came in after a few minutes and declared " I have good news and bad news"

The bloke asked "what's the good news"

The cobbler said " I have found your dad's old shoes"

The flabbergasted bloke then asked " what's the bad news"


The cobbler replied " They won't be ready until Friday "

[West Ham Dave]

My wife was screaming at me.
"Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "F*** sake make your mind up, do you want me to stay or go!?"

[Dover KUMB fan]

I got in from work, & the wife had left a note on the fridge, it read: "It's not working so I think its best I stay at my mums"
I opened the fridge, the light came on & my beer was freezing cold, so f**k knows what she was on about!

[morrisey is a hammer]

Ashley Cole arrives in court. "Mr Cole, does it make you uncomfortable being so close to an alledged racist?" "No, we're divorced now your honour."

[West Ham Dave]

A Magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ship's Parrot.
Every time he does a trick, the Parrot shouts out:
It's in his pocket,
4 of clubs,
It's got a false bottom,
She's under the table,

One night the ship sinks and the Magician and Parrot cling to a piece of drift wood.
For three days the Parrot says nothing, it just stares at the Magician.
On the forth day the Parrot says "Okay, I give up! Where the f**k did you hide the ship?

[Dover KUMB fan]

My wife knocked on the toilet door and said, "Hurry up in there, I need a poo!"

"F#ck off," I shouted, "I'm trying to have a w@nk in here."

"So that's more important than my diarrhoea?" she said calmly.

"I'm just about to cum," I screamed, "So if you shut your fat f#cking mouth I'll be out in a couple of minutes!"

What an impatient cow she is. God knows what everybody on the train must've been thinking.

[Lilyhammer]

had a right tasty bird in my taxi last night, proper big tits, long legs & fishnet stockings with killer heels
blowing me off like she was sucking porridge through a straw, then all of a sudden she asked me to take her up the
**** hole. I said **** off, I aint driving to Basildon at this time of night!

Sorry to our basildon residents
but it did make me laugh

[cookshop]

It's a funny old world we live in. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have countries.

[woodford]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Then some b*stard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'.

[Upton Larks]

It's a funny old world we live in. We used to have Empires run by Emperors, then Kingdoms run by Kings. Now we have countries.

run by counts?