The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Yea Why Not on Sun Feb 04, 2018 5:01 pm

What do you call a man with no shins?






Tony
User avatar
Yea Why Not
 
Posts: 16935
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 2:49 pm
Location: Chips & Gravy you say? Well you can shove that up your ass

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ereford ammer on Mon Feb 05, 2018 8:05 pm

Sad news today. After years of medical training and hard work, a mate of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion!

Unfortunately he slept with one of his patients, so can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time and effort!

A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet!
User avatar
ereford ammer
 
Posts: 1850
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2007 8:21 pm
Location: At the next level with all the malcontents

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Joyeux Marteau on Mon Feb 05, 2018 9:10 pm

I was at the doctors the other day and he was just about to write my prescription when he pulled out a thermometer.
"Oh Christ" he said "some ass hole has got my pen"

Apologies if the is been done before.
User avatar
Joyeux Marteau
 
Posts: 309
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:19 pm
Location: Athel Loren

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby claretandblue82 on Tue Feb 06, 2018 9:40 am

What is Samuel L Jackson's favourite car?

A Motherfuckcar!
User avatar
claretandblue82
 
Posts: 1308
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2012 4:26 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ak-47 on Wed Feb 07, 2018 10:13 pm

My mate got the sack yesterday from the carnival. He is going to sue them for funfair dismissal.
ak-47
 
Posts: 845
Joined: Tue Jun 15, 2010 6:46 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:33 pm

AK-47, I shamelessly nicked that :lol:

A scouse mate of mine got his kids a really nice trampoline.

I asked him where he got it from?

"Off the internet" he replied

I asked "What website?"

"GOOGLE MAPS!"
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2764
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer1972 on Thu Feb 08, 2018 2:47 pm

I had a 'your mum' joke but I think they are a bit tired now.

They have been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

A bit like your mum.
User avatar
Hammer1972
 
Posts: 3593
Joined: Wed May 10, 2006 8:18 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby hudds town hammer on Fri Feb 09, 2018 12:07 am

Hammer1972 wrote:I had a 'your mum' joke but I think they are a bit tired now.

They have been done thousands of times by thousands of people...

A bit like your mum.


tell us it i bet its really funny ........
User avatar
hudds town hammer
 
Posts: 1146
Joined: Mon Mar 05, 2007 10:07 am
Location: a nicer place than last year

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Rocketron on Fri Feb 09, 2018 7:42 pm

Two police men pulled a car over in Liverpool
They were surprised to find I was taxed and insured on inspection it had four good tyres , the driver had a clean licence not even one point for speeding
They had no option but to impose an £80 on the spot fine for wasting police time
User avatar
Rocketron
 
Posts: 11466
Joined: Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:45 pm
Location: Slaven To The Rhythym

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Feb 12, 2018 10:01 am

Dogs cannot operate MRI machines....

But Catscan
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
 
Posts: 2764
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 9:33 am

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Mon Feb 12, 2018 1:28 pm

I'm a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac. I lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
User avatar
Monkeybubbles
 
Posts: 4823
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 12:00 pm
Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby BalaamBoy on Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:10 pm

ak-47 wrote:My mate got the sack yesterday from the carnival. He is going to sue them for funfair dismissal.



Consider this nicked!!

Thanks
BalaamBoy
 
Posts: 1233
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2011 3:18 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Feb 12, 2018 5:53 pm

Went to the doctor and told him I was suffering from insomnia and that I was very worried.

The doc said "You shouldn't lose too much sleep over it" :eh:
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17968
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby hammerdivone on Tue Feb 13, 2018 6:15 pm

Asked the Mrs what she wants for Valentines. She said "give you a clue. Ex England goalie".

She's expecting Flowers. She's getting Seaman.
User avatar
hammerdivone
 
Posts: 22270
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2004 1:55 pm
Location: Somewhere between here and reality

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby 'Appy 'Ammer on Tue Feb 13, 2018 8:15 pm

Got a Romantic table for two booked for Valentines day.

I hope she can play Snooker
User avatar
'Appy 'Ammer
 
Posts: 4434
Joined: Tue Feb 04, 2003 12:42 pm
Location: The Machine Gunners " Where ya going now?"

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed Feb 14, 2018 6:07 am

I said to her: What do you think about Paris for the 14th?

Oh, that'd be wonderful darling!

Or Madrid?

Oh yes lovely!

OK PSG vs Real we're watching it tonight!
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
 
Posts: 24774
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 3:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Fri Feb 16, 2018 2:26 pm

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
 
Posts: 13739
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 1:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Feb 16, 2018 2:39 pm

^^^^ :D

Thieves broke into a pharmacy and stole their entire stock of viagra.

Police are looking for 4 hardened criminals.
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 17968
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby swisstony on Fri Feb 16, 2018 4:54 pm

Viagra is only the products marketing name, the pharmaceutical name is Mycoxaflopin
User avatar
swisstony
 
Posts: 182
Joined: Sat Jan 11, 2014 6:09 pm
Location: Crouching Down, Hidden Behind Ya

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby -DL- on Sat Feb 17, 2018 9:44 am

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.
User avatar
-DL-
Match thread guru
 
Posts: 18359
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 8:43 am
Location: Biting my tongue so hard it's starting to bleed.

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: delbert, Hemel Iron and 8 guests