The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Thu Mar 01, 2018 4:16 am

swisstony wrote:I walked into the bakers yesterday with a salmon under my arm and asked the young lady behind the counter "do you sell fishcakes? "

"no. Sorry" she replied

"thats a shame " I said "because it's his birthday "



Instantly joins my top 5, :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Thu Mar 01, 2018 12:40 pm

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find his entire herd of cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realization of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by.
"What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows' noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. 'You know who that was don't you?' asked the passer-by.

'No' said the farmer 'who is she?'

'That was Thora Hird.'
Last edited by Hammer.CA on Thu Mar 01, 2018 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Thu Mar 01, 2018 1:09 pm

Instantly joins my bottom 5.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Mar 01, 2018 3:49 pm

The mortician arrived at the morgue one morning and was
aproached by his assistant.
"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortician.
"Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old
blond came in last night. Dead of course"
"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition.
"I'm not sure",replied the assistant. "But she's got a prawn
sticking out of her snatch!"
"Are you sure?", said the mortician.
"Yes, come and have a look for yourself" said the assistant,
opening the body bag.
The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.
"That's not a prawn you stupid boy", he responded, "That's
her clitoris"
"Are you sure?" said the assistant,
"'Cause it certainly tasted like a prawn".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby claretandblue82 on Thu Mar 01, 2018 3:55 pm

What's brown and sticky?
Poo!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby claretandblue82 on Thu Mar 01, 2018 3:58 pm

My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhoea. She won't find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Slacking student on Thu Mar 01, 2018 4:26 pm

claretandblue82 wrote:What's brown and sticky?
Poo!


In a similar vein, what's brown and sticky?

A stick :arry:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu Mar 01, 2018 6:36 pm

Which famous artist has got brown fingers?

Pickasso.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Mar 01, 2018 7:43 pm

Apparently it’s been so cold in Liverpool today that people have been spotted with their hands in their own pockets.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Fri Mar 02, 2018 5:35 pm

An overweight woman is walking past a pet shop. Outside is a parrot in a cage. The parrot says "Oiii!" and the woman says "What?", "You ****ing big fat ugly cow" replies the parrot. Obviously insulted by this, the woman storms off down the street.

The next day, she's walking past the parrot outside the pet shop and again it shouts "Oiii!" to which the woman replies "What?" again. "You ****ing big fat ugly cow" replies the parrot and again the woman storms off.

On the third day, the woman is passing the pet shop again and once again the parrot shouts "Oiii!", the woman says "What?" and the parrot replies "You ****ing big fat ugly cow". This time, the woman has had quite enough and enters the pet shop, tells the owner what the parrot has been calling her and that if it does the same again the next day, she'll go the police. The pet shop owner reassures her that he'll sort it out.

The following day the woman is once again walking past the parrot when it shouts "Oiii!", the woman replies "What!!!?" and the parrot replies... "You ****ing KNOW what!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dan1326 on Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:10 am

Don’t join the Tesco dating site. My mate did and he got a bag for life
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:55 am

The man who invented predictive text, died last week.
His funfair is next Monkey.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri Mar 09, 2018 9:43 am

A jehovahs witness knocked on a woman's door. The woman opened the door and the witness said I'm here to talk about Jehovah.

No thank you the woman said and slammed the door only for it to bounce back open.

3 times this happened and on the fourth attempt of shutting her door the woman shouted at the jehovahs witness "I said I'm not interested please remove your foot from my door" to which the jehovahs witness replied
"that's not my foot but you might want to move your cat"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri Mar 09, 2018 5:37 pm

2 dyslexics in a kitchen.
First one says “can you smell burning?”
Second one “I can’t even smell my own name”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sun Mar 11, 2018 2:02 am

A woman has taken her local hospital to court following a routine operation on her husband.
"We used to have a wonderful sex life, my husband was always wanting sex until the effects of this surgery now he's just not interested", she told the court.
What was the procedure that was undertaken,and what went wrong? the Judge asked the Surgeon
Nothing went wrong, replied the surgeon, I successfully removed the mans cataracts.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Sun Mar 11, 2018 8:09 pm

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one Anna two

Badumdum tssssshhh
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby westham,eggyandchips on Sun Mar 11, 2018 11:32 pm

My wife said to me earlier "your not even listening to me are you?"

I thought "thats a weird way to start a conversation"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:24 am

What did they call the King of Russia?

The Czar

What did they call his wife?

Czarina

So what did they call their children?

Czardines


(Ken Dodd children's book in the 1960's)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Coops on Tue Mar 13, 2018 3:16 pm

My Mrs says I am crap in bed, but I have but never heard her moaning.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby view from the shires on Wed Mar 14, 2018 5:19 pm

Sauce! wrote:Which famous artist has got brown fingers?

Pickasso.


I had a friend at school nicknamed Pablo as he was always scratching his backside.
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