The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby don't burst my bubble on Sat Apr 21, 2018 12:36 pm

cambridge hammer wrote:Off to France tomorrow for the world ruler twanging on the edge of the desk competition. It's held annually.
In the Dordogne. :raver:


Love it :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Sun Apr 22, 2018 11:04 am

Sad news, the man who invented VELCRO has died. RIP
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:01 pm

What have Mr T and Joe Hart got in common?

Ain't gettin' on no plane, fool.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Tue May 01, 2018 12:00 pm

Terrible spell of whether.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue May 01, 2018 2:05 pm

Accordion to a recent survey, if you replace a word with a musical instrument, no-one notices.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby somerset-hammer on Tue May 01, 2018 2:09 pm

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Ferret on Wed May 02, 2018 12:28 pm

Got a blind date later with a woman who works for an energy company.

Can't wait to Meter...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hummer_I_mean_Hammer on Thu May 03, 2018 11:11 am

Cuenca 'ammer wrote:brilliant....

made me LOL out loud....


I thought LOL means laugh out loud? Or have I missed something?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Thu May 03, 2018 11:38 am

How did Moses cut the sea in half?

With a seasaw.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby somerset-hammer on Thu May 03, 2018 11:47 am

Hummer_I_mean_Hammer wrote:
I thought LOL means laugh out loud? Or have I missed something?


Maybe he liked the joke so much, he laughed out loud out loud!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Thu May 03, 2018 8:12 pm

I saw a guy wearing a cape running down the High Street the other day.

"Are you a superhero?" I called out as he sped past me.

"No," he said, "I haven't paid for my haircut."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Thu May 03, 2018 10:03 pm

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby uptonparkhurst on Fri May 04, 2018 2:18 pm

Apparently today henceforth will be known as STAR WARS DAY

May the 4th be with you!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Sun May 06, 2018 10:07 pm

Two nuns driving along a country lane when all of a sudden The Devil appears in front of the car.
"Get out and show him you're cross" says the nun driving to her passenger. The nun jumps out and shouts
"GET OUT THE F**KING WAY BEFORE YOU GET RUN OVER"!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Mon May 07, 2018 2:54 am

I bought a talking parrot,
but it did not say it was hungry,
so it died.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Mon May 07, 2018 2:56 pm

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Mon May 07, 2018 5:32 pm

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon May 07, 2018 10:22 pm

Thought he'd been stung :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Polaroid on Tue May 08, 2018 2:43 am

Bloke buys a cockney parrot but gets sick of it saying ‘I’m from London and I’m hard as f*ck’
So he puts a kestrel in the cage. Next morning he finds the kestrel dead and the parrot says ‘I’m from London and I’m hard as f*ck’
So he puts a golden eagle in the cage. Next morning he finds the eagle dead and the parrot with no feathers. As he looks into the cage the parrot says ‘Had to take my coat off for that c*nt’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Tue May 08, 2018 2:25 pm

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident, he was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da fock would you say?'
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