The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby nedgray on Tue May 08, 2018 9:26 pm

A Man trying to cross a busy road gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

A policeman knocks on the door of the family to inform them of the sad news and says:
"I’m really sorry.........but theres no easy way to say this"...

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Wed May 09, 2018 9:40 am

Stevie Wonder, live at the Budokan in Tokyo. 12,000 people having a fantastic time as Stevie winds the set to a close....

"Thanks everybody, you've been terrific, we've just got time to do one more number for you......anybody got any requests?"

At this point a Japanese chap at the front of the crowd yells out "Play a jazz chord!! Play a jazz chord!!"

"Yeah, jazz", says Stevie, "hit it boys, a 1 and a 2 and a 3...." and off they go on a vamp based on Superstition, tootling and farting in a jazz stylee for a couple of minutes, ending on a big chord from the brass section. "Thanks everyone, I hope that was ok for you buddy...."

"No, no, no, play a jazz chord!!! Play a jazz chord!!"

Stevie's a bit miffed. "Ok then fellers, let's burn this mother...." and they plunge into some wild improvised collage of noise, 15 minutes of mayhem building into a mad crescendo of cacophony that echoes into the night.

Stevie is exhausted.

"Thanks everybody, we got nothing left, see you next time......"

"No, no, no, play a jazz chord!!! Play a jazz chord!!"

He's got the right hump now. "Ok dude, if you think you can beat that, you come up here and show us!"

"Ok" says the Japanese guy, and jumps up on stage. He steps up to the microphone, clears his throat, and........

"A jazz chord
to say
ah ruv yoooooo......"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Wed May 09, 2018 10:22 am

F**ks sake....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby sandbanks on Wed May 09, 2018 11:38 am

Similar joke to the Stevie Wonder one, except the singer was Cliff Richard, the song request was for 'Tits an' Fanny' and the pay-off was 'Tits an' fanny, how we don't talk anymore'.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed May 09, 2018 9:50 pm

Finally justice has been served.
So there has been this thug called Cal going around breaking into people’s houses near me for months, but the police couldn’t catch him. The weirdest thing about it all he was breaking into people’s house’s just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks into them and turning them on. Very strange if you ask me. Anyway, I’ve just read he’s died. It’s never nice hearing of people’s deaths, but look on the bright side...

Washing machines live longer with Cal gone.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu May 10, 2018 3:11 pm

Paddy goes into a bar on his own and order 9 pints.

He drinks the first one, the third, fifth, seventh and ninth pint.

The puzzled barman asks " Paddy, how come you only drank some of the drinks and not the rest of them "

Paddy replies:

" I had a check up and my doctor told me that I drank too much so he said I could only have the odd pint "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Thu May 10, 2018 3:25 pm

ageing hammer wrote:Paddy goes into a bar on his own and order 9 pints.

He drinks the first one, the third, fifth, seventh and ninth pint.

The puzzled barman asks " Paddy, how come you only drank some of the drinks and not the rest of them "

Paddy replies:

" I had a check up and my doctor told me that I drank too much so he said I could only have the odd pint "


:thup: :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby nedgray on Thu May 10, 2018 7:18 pm

I was the getaway driver for a robbery at a paper factory in Bristol last night.
Needed to make a fast escape so we took the A4.

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri May 11, 2018 3:35 pm

A tourist stopped me yesterday and asked me could I direct him to the local boozer.

I told him " You're speaking to him "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cuenca 'ammer on Fri May 11, 2018 3:41 pm

ageing hammer wrote:A tourist stopped me yesterday and asked me could I direct him to the local boozer.

I told him " You're speaking to him "


:thup: :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu May 17, 2018 11:57 am

Why are Catholic priests called father?

Because "Daddy" would be too suspicious
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu May 17, 2018 12:00 pm

I used to know an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic - he would lay awake at night, wondering if there really was a dog.............
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu May 17, 2018 1:01 pm

Harry & Meghan are breaking with tradition & not having fruitcake at their wedding.
Prince Philip says " Stuff them, I'm going anyway!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu May 17, 2018 1:53 pm

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Why are Catholic priests called father?

Because "Daddy" would be too suspicious


Because the father away they are the safer your kids are
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby southbrishammer on Thu May 17, 2018 2:25 pm

A blast from the past:

What happens if you wear radioactive underpants?

Chernobyl fallout.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri May 18, 2018 2:56 pm

The Royal Wedding is almost upon us.

Meghan Markles's old man won't be there, but then again, neither will Harry's. :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Fri May 25, 2018 1:49 am

Alcohol probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

-----------------------------------------

My Grandad died because we couldn't remember his blood type. All through his illness he kept insisting, "Be positive."
Good ol' Grandad. Ever the optimist.

----------------------------------------

I thought I had made a Japanese friend but it was just my imagine Asian.

----------------------------------------

There I was, in a duel, armed with only a pen and a piece of paper.
I drew my weapon...

#thepenismightierthanthesword

----------------------------------------

I accidentally handed my friend a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
Now she's not talking to me.

----------------------------------------

I don't give money to beggars for two reasons:
1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

----------------------------------------

I offended a couple of guys today because I referred to them as hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins.'

----------------------------------------

I won $3 million in the US lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.

----------------------------------------

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried.
Then he hugged me and my sister.

----------------------------------------

Got fired on my first day as a car salesman today after a customer asked about cargo space and I replied, "Car no do that. Car no fly."

----------------------------------------
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri May 25, 2018 11:10 am

Someone asked me if I knew a GDPR expert.
"Oh yes!" I replied "I know someone who is really hot on it"
"Great, can I have their Email address?"

"No"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby 'Appy 'Ammer on Fri May 25, 2018 7:02 pm

True story.

My Mrs asked me if we wanted anything from her friends car boot sale as she was selling everything to travel Europe.

"Her knicker drawer" wasn't the right answer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby York Ham(mer) on Sun May 27, 2018 4:04 am

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an old Irish man answered his door to find two grim-faced constables on the doorstep.
"We're sorry sir but we have some information about your dear wife", said one of the officers.
"Tell me, did you find her?", the worried man asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the man said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir but early this morning we found the body of your poor wife in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God", exclaimed the man. Swallowing hard he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled your late wife up, she had twelve of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like those since the 1960s and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, the old man demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're going to lift her up again tomorrow."
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