The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby York Ham(mer) on Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:01 pm

A little known fact about the England and Arsenal forward Danny Welbeck is that his father use to be a bomb disposal expert called Stan.
Last edited by York Ham(mer) on Thu Jul 05, 2018 7:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby somerset-hammer on Wed Jul 04, 2018 9:17 pm

York :D :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Jul 05, 2018 4:24 pm

What did the bestiality obsessed scientist say to his assistant?

"I'll be in my lab."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Fri Jul 06, 2018 12:09 am

Andrew Neil on 'This Week':
"If England win the World Cup, Jeremy Corbyn wants the country to all have a day off. If Russia win, the week off."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Los Martillos on Sat Jul 07, 2018 9:44 pm

oops wrong thread!
:oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Sun Jul 08, 2018 5:05 pm

My mate has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Colchester zoo.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cobham Hammer on Tue Jul 10, 2018 12:04 pm

Up before the Judge for Killing a rare bird of prey, Fred is in trouble.
“Killing a barn owl is a serious offence, before I pass sentence have you got any thing to say in your
defence ??."

“Your honour I have the best excuse. I killed the bird for food. I’m out of work, no money and hunger drove me to do it. I ate it."

“Hmmm in the circumstances I’ll let you off with a warning this time, but before you go I must know……What does Barn Owl taste like ??? “

“Oh that’s easy”, says Fred, "a mixture of Peregrine Falcon and Golden Eagle."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:03 pm

Done before but anyway:

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

Another one comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his cock stuck in it, and the other guy has cock in a hollowed-out pear.

"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"



The first guy says, "Yeah, I am ****ing dis-custard."

The second guy says, "And I am deep in dis-pear."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Wed Jul 11, 2018 5:58 pm

A man goes to the doctors and says "Der,der,der,der,doctor, you,you,you,you've gor,gor,gor,got to hel,hel,help me, I've got,gor,gor,got to ge,ge,ge,get sho,sho,sho,shot of this stut,stut,Stu,stutter!"


"Ok, I'll just examine you see if I can spot the problem."said the Doc.

The patient strips and as he drops his pants, his dick almost hits the floor it's so long!

"Aha," says the doc, "There's your problem."

"Wha,what,what do you me,me,me,mean" says the bloke.

"Well, your penis is so exaggerated in its length and girth, that the weight is pulling on your stomach muscles causing you to stammer and stutter. Your only hope is a transplant to something shorter, thus relaxing the strain".

The bloke agrees to the suggested approach and the doctor arranges for the operation which takes place a week or so later.

A month or so after, the patient goes back to the doctors again. "Doc," he says "the voice is great, I can talk, more confidently and have no problem chatting up the ladies - It's great! However, this ridiculously small cock is crap with the birds, and I wondered if there was any chance of getting my old knob back?"

To which the Doctor replies "You,you,you,you can fu,fu,fu,gu ck righ righ, right off!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:43 pm

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine still running."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Thu Jul 12, 2018 8:42 pm

ageing hammer wrote:A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine still running."


:thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:08 pm

I'm reading my first book in Braille. It's a Stephen King horror. Something bad is coming. I can feel it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WHU_Del on Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:34 pm

An old Navy stoker ends up in Hell.
After a few days, Satan notices that the old boy seems quite comfortable.
'I can't be having this,' he thinks, and orders the furnaces to be turned up.
The stoker is still showing no signs of discomfort, so Satan orders everything turned up to the max.
After a couple of days, he pokes his head round the door, and sees the old stoker with a big, relaxed smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Mate, I spent forty years in boiler rooms, shovelling coal. This is perfect for me'.
'Right then', thinks Satan, and orders all the furnaces to be switched off and massive piles of ice to be deposited all over Hell.
After a week, no-one can stand up because they're slipping on the ice, there's icicles hanging off every available surface, all the demons have four layers of clothes on.
'Let's see how this fella likes it now' says Satan and goes back to see him.
Not only is the old stoker smiling, he's roaring with laughter.
'NOW WHAT?!' says Satan. 'WHY ARE SO HAPPY?'
'Didn't you know? I'm a West Ham fan, we must have won the League!'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby stuboy on Fri Jul 13, 2018 9:51 pm

I threw a surprise bukkake party for the wife's birthday, loads of people came, you should have seen her face!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Jul 13, 2018 11:24 pm

WHU_Del wrote:An old Navy stoker ends up in Hell.
After a few days, Satan notices that the old boy seems quite comfortable.
'I can't be having this,' he thinks, and orders the furnaces to be turned up.
The stoker is still showing no signs of discomfort, so Satan orders everything turned up to the max.
After a couple of days, he pokes his head round the door, and sees the old stoker with a big, relaxed smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Mate, I spent forty years in boiler rooms, shovelling coal. This is perfect for me'.
'Right then', thinks Satan, and orders all the furnaces to be switched off and massive piles of ice to be deposited all over Hell.
After a week, no-one can stand up because they're slipping on the ice, there's icicles hanging off every available surface, all the demons have four layers of clothes on.
'Let's see how this fella likes it now' says Satan and goes back to see him.
Not only is the old stoker smiling, he's roaring with laughter.
'NOW WHAT?!' says Satan. 'WHY ARE SO HAPPY?'
'Didn't you know? I'm a West Ham fan, we must have won the League!'



Bravo Sir :D
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