The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Thu Jul 19, 2018 3:04 pm

:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Tue Jul 24, 2018 10:28 pm

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Scot, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk. an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a nightclub.

The bouncer said, 'Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Jul 25, 2018 10:00 am

Paddy driving down the motorway towing a horsebox, When a copper pulls him over.
"Where are you going sir?" Asks the copper.
Paddy replies, "I'm taking these to the Races at Kempton"
The copper looks into the horsebox & goes back to Paddy. He says "You've got no horses in there?"
Paddy sighs, & says "I'm taking the non runners first"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Wed Jul 25, 2018 2:29 pm

My wife said to me "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's knickers in your coat pocket?"

I said "Yes, it's because you're a nosy c*nt!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Wed Jul 25, 2018 6:32 pm

Was talking to these 2 Thai birds earlier. They were telling me how they were rudely awoken this morning by the rubbish collectors.

"Bin Men?", I asked, to which one replied "Yeah, we were - but that were lonnnnng time ago"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DasNutNock on Fri Jul 27, 2018 10:40 am

Saw an old man getting beaten up by three guys on my way home from the pub the other night, so I jumped in to help out. The c*nt didn't stand a chance against the four of us.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby chelmsfordhammer91 on Fri Jul 27, 2018 11:54 am

DasNutNock wrote:Saw an old man getting beaten up by three guys on my way home from the pub the other night, so I jumped in to help out. The c*nt didn't stand a chance against the four of us.


That one always cracks me up. :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Sat Jul 28, 2018 8:14 pm

Just back from a concert performance by the Royal Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra. Halfway through the first symphony the triangle player vanished.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Sat Jul 28, 2018 8:26 pm

A husband and wife move to a posh village in the Cotswolds. The wife is a real social climber and has had enough of her husband's foul mouth, and inability to be the perfect model man at dinner parties and other social gatherings.

She tells him "This is a fresh start in a new village. I have invited the vicar and his wife and Lord and Lady Palmer to tea. They are the most important people in this village. If you mess this up for me this marriage is over."

The afternoon is going swimmingly. Her husband is the perfect host and the guests are charmed by the new couple.

The wife excuses herself and when she returns a few minutes later she sees her guests outraged and leaving. The vicar turns at the door and says, "I have never been so insulted in my life. You, sir, are a disgrace. Good day to you both "

The wife screams "You have done it again. What the hell did you say?"

He replied "Well the vicar said that they had problems with mice at the vicarage. The vicar's wife said yes we have bunged all their holes up with paper. I simply said well if you can get that close to the ****ers why don't you just stamp on the c^^^s and squash the bastards? "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Suffolk Iron on Sun Jul 29, 2018 4:04 pm

After reading in the paper about how it would be better to give homeless women feminine products than money, I took it on board. Coming out of the tube yesterday, I saw a young woman who was obviously homeless. Being the gentleman I am, I popped into the nearby Boots and came out with a well filled carrier bag. As I passed it to her, her eyes filled with tears and I walked.away. Then I heard her call "Where the f##k do you expect me to plug an iron in?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Shy Ted on Sun Jul 29, 2018 4:07 pm

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus they have designed the Clitaurus.
It comes in pink, the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has though, it can be a bitch to start in the morning!
New models are fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby OFT on Sun Jul 29, 2018 8:52 pm

Shy Ted.

:D

To be fair, the funniest thing was the second line. I genuinely laughed out loud at that.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Mon Jul 30, 2018 8:19 am

My wife phoned me last night, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.

"I'm at the pub." I replied.

She said, "I think the baby's coming!"

I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Shy Ted on Mon Jul 30, 2018 10:16 am

OFT wrote:Shy Ted.

:D

To be fair, the funniest thing was the second line. I genuinely laughed out loud at that.


I agree OFT, it should be cut there.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Thu Aug 02, 2018 11:19 pm

A 10 year old boy came home from school after having his first lesson on sex.

He asked his dad " Dad what's a vagina"

His dad answered " son a vagina is the sweetest, nicest most beautiful part of a woman's body"

His son replied " now I am all confused if that is a vagina what's a cuuntt "

His dad frowns and says " that's the ****ing rest of her "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Fri Aug 03, 2018 11:49 am

I was on my way to work on the bus the other day, when the bloke sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and he just sort of stared at me for a while, and then said in a low, menacing voice "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio!".

Later, at work, I noticed him sitting outside our office, looking in through the window. He saw me, scowled, and mouthed the words "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio!".

On the way home, walking from the bus stop, he jumped out of some bushes at me and shouted "REMEMBER LEONARDO DI CAPRIO!!!", before running off and jumping over the wall into our back garden.

I thought bugger this for a lark, and ring the Old Bill. The lady asked how they could help, and I said "yeah, I know this sounds a bit weird, but I think there's a bloke stalking me".

"Ah, that's worrying", she said, "what can you tell me about him?".

"Well.....he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WHU_Del on Sun Aug 05, 2018 3:00 pm

I went to the bookshop, and said to the assistant 'Could you tell me where the self-help section is, please?'
He said 'I could, but that would defeat the object'.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby only1post on Sun Aug 05, 2018 4:15 pm

Am I the only one who doesn't get MB's Di Caprio joke?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Eggs'n'nuts on Sun Aug 05, 2018 4:18 pm

only1post wrote:Am I the only one who doesn't get MB's Di Caprio joke?


You're not alone o1p. The joke is in there somewhere, I think I'm just a bit too dense to see it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WHU_Del on Sun Aug 05, 2018 5:21 pm

Have you noticed how many Formula One drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
There's Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton and, probably the most famous...Ayr Town Centre.
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