The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Happyhammer52 on Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:16 pm

Two dogs sitting in the living room.

1st Dog: "Want to hear a good joke?"

2nd Dog: "Yeh, sure. Go for it."

1st Dog: "Knock Kno..."

2nd Dog: "WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:23 pm

You B...... HH52, that has proper hit my funny bone that one :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Thu Sep 20, 2018 1:55 pm

Happyhammer52 wrote:Two dogs sitting in the living room.

1st Dog: "Want to hear a good joke?"

2nd Dog: "Yeh, sure. Go for it."

1st Dog: "Knock Kno..."

2nd Dog: "WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!"


:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Fri Sep 21, 2018 7:44 am

Brilliant :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tin Hat on Fri Sep 21, 2018 10:21 am

Autocorrect is a b*stard! I've just texted my mate asking if he wanted to go for a **** down by the river.
I meant the canal.....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Sun Sep 23, 2018 2:23 pm

The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.

RIP Scott Chegg.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sun Sep 23, 2018 8:11 pm

".... oh god!!" I gasped. "I'm going to explode, I can't stop it...."

"Do it on my tits," she whispered. "I'm kinky like that."

" Really?" I said.

"Yes, honestly," she replied.


It taught me this much. When you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Sep 24, 2018 10:00 am

I just took advantage of a great offer.
If you buy all of Adam & the Ants sheet music from Amazon, they will throw in a stand and deliver.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Tue Sep 25, 2018 10:34 pm

Just read a great book about what actually caused the Titanic to sink.
It was really riveting.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Old Man of Storr on Tue Sep 25, 2018 10:45 pm

Samba wrote:Just read a great book about what actually caused the Titanic to sink.
It was really riveting.



Please tell me you're just making these jokes up as you go along because you're bored . :D

They're not real jokes are they ? :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tarte Encore on Wed Sep 26, 2018 3:45 pm

I've asked the missus several times if she'd mind stimulating me in the groin area using her car keys......she just keeps fobbing me off.
Last edited by Tarte Encore on Wed Sep 26, 2018 3:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DasNutNock on Wed Sep 26, 2018 3:49 pm

P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: Dunno.
P1: To get to the idiot's house.

P1: Knock knock.
P2: Who's there?
P1: The chicken.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Sep 26, 2018 4:39 pm

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Wed Sep 26, 2018 6:24 pm

DasNutNock wrote:P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: Dunno.
P1: To get to the idiot's house.

P1: Knock knock.
P2: Who's there?
P1: The chicken.


:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:05 am

What d'you call a bloke whose face is covered in scratches?


Claude.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Noble Man on Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:45 pm

My daughter came home with a new pet - a very small newt. She told me she was calling it Tiny and when I asked her why she called it Tiny she replied 'because he's my newt'.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:00 pm

A Russian agent was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in a close-by village and give him the coded message "The Grey Squirrel has engaged The Red Fox".

On arriving in the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived, who directed him to a small cottage at the end of the main road.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged.

"You are Jones, yes?" asked the Russian agent.

"Yes Boyo - I am Jones." replied Mr. Jones.

"Ahh" said the Russian looking both ways, before leaning towards the Welshman and stating "The Grey Squirrel has engaged The Red Fox."

Mr. Jones stared at him in some bewilderment, but then smiled.

"Oh no Boyo - you've come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-Spy you want, 4 doors up so he is."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby smuts on Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:04 pm

Happyhammer52 wrote:Two dogs sitting in the living room.

1st Dog: "Want to hear a good joke?"

2nd Dog: "Yeh, sure. Go for it."

1st Dog: "Knock Kno..."

2nd Dog: "WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!WOOF!"


:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:07 pm

Paddy is a keen amateur boxer, who one day approaches his trainer and announces that he wants to turn pro.

"You'll need to undergo a full medical and get yourself a Manager" says the trainer.

So Paddy gets a Manager who books the medical, after which on the day the doctor informs Paddy that everything seems fine, but he will need to wait a week for the blood tests before he can approve his pro application.

After a week Paddy gets a phone call from his new Manager.

"Paddy, your blood tests are back, and it looks like you have got sugar diabetes" he informs him.

"Sugar diabetes you say? That's great! When do I fight him?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Fri Sep 28, 2018 10:11 am

It's Dad's turn to cook as Mum is working late. Feeling adventurous, he cooks a nice piece of venison. However, he doesn't tell the kids what it is.
"What is it dad? " What animal is it from Dad?" etc etc all the time he is cooking it.
In the end as they sit at the table, dad says "I'll give you a clue, it comes from something that has the same name as the name mummy calls daddy"
Little Jimmy shouts "Dont eat it! It's a farrkin aaarsehole!!!"
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