The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[ageing hammer]

It's Dad's turn to cook as Mum is working late. Feeling adventurous, he cooks a nice piece of venison. However, he doesn't tell the kids what it is.
"What is it dad? " What animal is it from Dad?" etc etc all the time he is cooking it.
In the end as they sit at the table, dad says "I'll give you a clue, it comes from something that has the same name as the name mummy calls daddy"
Little Jimmy shouts "Dont eat it! It's a farrkin aaarsehole!!!"

[Samba]

Just read a great book about what actually caused the Titanic to sink.
It was really riveting.

Please tell me you're just making these jokes up as you go along because you're bored . They're not real jokes are they ?

I hurt myself on the end of a cutting tool but I don't want to talk about it, it's a bit of a saw point.

[OFT]

Following the death of his parrot from obesity Long John Silver says..it's a weight off his shoulder

[Samba]

I had acupuncture to treat a bad back.
To be honest, it just gave me pins & needles.

[irving boleyn]

The last time I recounted a joke on her I got called a plagiarist !

Their words,not mine....

[Samba]

Someone suggested that I should visit native American sites in the U.S but I have my reservations.

[devonshire flu]

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a balcony?



Tequila!

[vietnammer]

“To be is to do”—Socrates.
“To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.
“Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

[Barking Boy]

My daughter came home with a new pet - a very small newt. She told me she was calling it Tiny and when I asked her why she called it Tiny she replied 'because he's my newt'.

[Tenbury]

“To be is to do”—Socrates.
“To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre.
“Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

T

That was written on my favourite bog wall @ Uni.

Adjacent was an arrow pointing to the bog roll and there was written:
" Social Science Students Please Take One".

[BalaamBoy]

That was written on my favourite bog wall @ Uni.

Adjacent was an arrow pointing to the bog roll and there was written:
" Social Science Students Please Take One".

Many moons ago when I was still a student, there were two bits of grafitti that always made me laugh. One said 'Noel Brotherston would be God, if he wasn't a prod', (oldies might remember him) and the other, written on the side of the stall next to the paper said 'Not now, Scotty, I'm having a shi .........................................'

[Hammer.CA]

The so called experts told me that I would never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, well I showed them, so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase.

[Hammer.CA]

I went to a Mary Poppins themed restaurant last night. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

[ageing hammer]

The so called experts told me that I would never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, well I showed them, so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase.

PMSL

[Dover KUMB fan]

I wanted to hire a bouncy castle for a kids party. They told me the rental was £50, and set up was £1000.
I said “That’s outrageous!!”
They replied “That’s inflation for you”

[vietnammer]

I've started band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven't got a gig.

[uptonparkhurst]

I've started band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven't got a gig.

I'm making a music video - I'm offering your band a bit part in it.

[Greatest Cockney Rip Off]

I've started band called 999 Megabytes. We still haven't got a gig.

Ahem ... hate to piss on your chips but there are 1024 megabytes in one GigaByte

Just saying ...

[uptonparkhurst]

Ahem ... hate to piss on your chips but there are 1024 megabytes in one GigaByte

Just saying ...

Unless you're a manufacturer of USB sticks, that is (the cheating fookas!)

[Puff Daddy]

Two logs. One log said to the other log, I slept like a man last night