The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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jevs
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

2 Parrots sitting on a perch. One said to the other "I can smell fish"
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Post by Tenbury »

OK,I'll hold my hand up, ^^^^ I really had to think about that. ^^^^^^ !! :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

His exact words were, “When I want your ****ing advice, I’ll ask for it.”
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Post by Hammer.CA »

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday "A spa would be nice" she replied "OK" I said, jabbing her in the nose 3 times "You'll have to be quicker than that"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by West Ham Dave »

Just been told all clocks have to go back this month
That’s going to be difficult, I can’t remember where any of ours came from.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Sausage and an egg in a frying pan. Sausage goes Hot in here ain't it. Egg goes Blimey, a talking sausage!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

I went to my fridge this morning because I could swear I could hear spring onions singing Bee Gees songs. But it turned out to be just the chives talking
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

After their evening meal they laid down for the night, and wished each other pleasant dreams and went off to sleep.

During the night, Holmes awoke. He nudged Watson and said "Dear faithful friend. When you look up at the night sky what you see?"

Watson looked around and replied, "I see Stars. Millions upon millions of Stars."

"And, my dear Watson" said Holmes "What can one tell from that?"

"Well" said the Doctor "Astronomically, it tells me that there are multitudes of galaxies and planets. Astrologically, I do believe that Saturn is well within in Leo, and horologically I would say that the time is approximately two forty five AM. There - what does it tell you Holmes old boy, what?"

"It tells me Watson..." said Holmes "....that some ****er has stolen our tent."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Bamber you always deliver :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by only1post »

One for the kids....

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.

They're both cauldron.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

This chap was an amateur bagpiper.

Nothing grand, but he had played a few festivals, fetes and at special occasions etc.

One day, a funeral director friend asked him to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had died out in the cold. The departed had no family or friends, and the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Scottish West Highlands.

The bagpiper was not at all familiar with the area, and on the way got lost. He finally arrived an hour late and there was no funeral director or hearse in sight. The only people there were the diggers and they appeared to have started to fill in the grave before stopping to eat their lunch.

The bagpiper felt bad and apologised to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw that the coffin lid was almost covered by their earlier work.

He didn't know what to say or do, so he plumped up his pipes and started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. The piper played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he had never played before for this poor homeless man.

As he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. Although the pipers head was hung low, his heart was full of pride that maybe at least he had seen the poor chap off with some dignity

When he finished, the piper packed up his instrument, returned to his car and put it into the boot. As he got in the car to leave he waved to the diggers, of whom the nearest returned the wave and called to him

"That was unbelievable. I've never seen anything like that before.....and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

The wife stumbled into the kitchen. Her hair was everywhere, her face was covered in blood, and she was holding her arm which was twisted and appeared to be broken in at least 2 places!

"FFS!" She screamed and sobbed "Didn't you hear me just fall down the stairs?"

"Was that you?" I said, "I'm sorry, I thought it was Eastenders finishing" ....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by lewisham-mer »

Just spent £300 on a limo and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by BalaamBoy »

^^ Nice!!

Chap gets home from work.
First thing he notices is that the gate is open, there are two unknown kids playing in the sandpit, another one wandering around covered in chocolate with his nappy hanging off, and toys are scattered all over the garden.
He goes inside. The hallway is littered with shoes and clothes, the kitchen is a mess, there washing up in the sink, used plates and cups on the table, two half-empty saucepans on the stove, and a pile of washing on the floor.
He's starting to become a little anxious, so he calls for his wife.
'I'm up here' she replies
So he goes up the bedroom to find her lying on the bed, reading a book, and sipping a cup of tea.
'What's going on?' he asks
'Well', she starts 'you know how you normally come home and ask me what I've done today? Well, today, I didn't do it!!'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Georgee Paris »

I don't get it? Why doesn't he recognize the kids? :eh:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Paddy O'Hammer »

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Georgee Paris wrote:I don't get it? Why doesn't he recognize the kids? :eh:
Think it's kind of a feminist gag i.e. 'what have I done?' clean the house, do the washing, cook the food, bear your children
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Deepster »

A man goes for a job on board a cruise ship. Captain asked him if he had any experience at sea.
"No" he said "but I'm honest" so the captain takes him on.
3 weeks into the journey the man is mopping the decks when a big wave takes him overboard.
The first mate ran into the captain and says "you know that man you took on, the honest one?
Well he's just ****ed off with our mop"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by westhamdave1 »

only1post wrote:One for the kids....

Harry Potter can't tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.

They're both cauldron.
Myself and a few of my mates have just entered that new Harry Potter competition ..... only cost a quid each !!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Cuenca 'ammer »

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said:

"Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."
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