The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Mon Nov 12, 2018 11:10 am

I'm not saying she was fat or anything, but when we finished f***in, I rolled over three times and was still on top of her
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Happyhammer52 on Mon Nov 12, 2018 12:35 pm

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.

"What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure, I think she choked.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Happyhammer52 on Mon Nov 12, 2018 3:55 pm

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Mon Nov 12, 2018 4:33 pm

Happyhammer52 wrote:What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

Why am i laughing at that?? FFS!! :)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Nov 12, 2018 5:35 pm

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It's not unusual
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Mon Nov 12, 2018 6:33 pm

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:56 pm

Went for an interview at a blacksmiths today.
He asked if I was any good at shoeing horses.

I had to say no, but I did tell a donkey to **** off once.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Mon Nov 12, 2018 10:51 pm

As she stood naked in front of me my wife said “Well, we’ve been married for 25 years. Do you remember what you said to me just before we made love for the very first time?”

“No”, I said. “Remind me”.

“You said that you were going to f*** my brains out and suck my t*ts dry. What do you think now?”

“I reckon I did a pretty good job”.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Tue Nov 13, 2018 6:40 am

^^^^^^^ :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Tue Nov 13, 2018 11:18 am

I applied to our local council for a job today, they asked me what I was good at "f*ck all really" so I start on Monday.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:14 am

There's a new sushi bar opened round our way called Sosumi. Trouble is it only caters for lawyers
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Slacking student on Thu Nov 15, 2018 5:28 pm

Made me chuckle

Brexit agreement.....

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby jevs on Thu Nov 15, 2018 6:15 pm

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:16 pm

Just met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother, Broco.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Sat Nov 17, 2018 12:40 pm

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:47 am

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAAAAAAAINS!!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby kayahammer on Tue Nov 20, 2018 4:07 am

Just walked into a glass door. What a pane.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:24 am

Well, that's weird.

Last week.....

Happyhammer52 wrote:What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.


Dover KUMB fan wrote:Why am i laughing at that?? FFS!! :)



Back in March 2014.......

don't burst my bubble wrote:What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones!


Dover KUMB fan wrote:Why the **** did I really laugh at that one?? :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:26 am

Love your dedication to this thread MB.

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:38 am

Either my view on that gag hasn't changed in 4 years, Or I'm going senile & forgot it. :shock:
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