The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:24 am

Enya’s next three fixtures.

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Sale (a)

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby vietnammer on Tue Nov 20, 2018 12:39 pm

FFS :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby BalaamBoy on Tue Nov 20, 2018 1:14 pm

Love it!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:14 pm

Dover KUMB fan wrote:Either my view on that gag hasn't changed in 4 years, Or I'm going senile & forgot it. :shock:

Monkey'Rainman'bubbles didn't..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Fri Nov 23, 2018 3:37 pm

If a man all alone in the middle of a forest speaks and his wife cannot hear him is he still wrong?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Sun Nov 25, 2018 1:46 am

I walked out of a supermarket today with a fruit bread of nuts, spices, and dried or candied fruit, coated with powdered sugar or icing sugar hidden under my coat & didn't pay for it.
It was stollen.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Tue Nov 27, 2018 1:45 am

Ageing hammer goes to the doctors surgery.
The usual nazi receptionist says, "You've got to tell me what the problem is, before I'll let you see the dr."
Ageing, quite naturally a bit annoyed at having to say what's wrong in public says, "I've got a problem with me cock."
This annoys the nazi. "I'm sorry sir but don't use language like that in here. You'll just have to use another word for it."
"Ok," say Ageing, "I've got a problem with me ear."
"That's better sir. What's wrong with it?"
"I can't piss out of it.."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Tue Nov 27, 2018 1:24 pm

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a pub. That cannot be a coincidence, surely?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Tue Nov 27, 2018 6:28 pm

A liar, a hypocrite, and a paedophile walk into a bar.

The barman says “The usual is it, Father?”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Tue Nov 27, 2018 7:25 pm

I’ve just seen a fella coming out of Buckingham Palace covered in emulsion

I think he must have been decorated by the Queen.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:31 pm

Samba wrote:Ageing hammer goes to the doctors surgery.
The usual nazi receptionist says, "You've got to tell me what the problem is, before I'll let you see the dr."
Ageing, quite naturally a bit annoyed at having to say what's wrong in public says, "I've got a problem with me cock."
This annoys the nazi. "I'm sorry sir but don't use language like that in here. You'll just have to use another word for it."
"Ok," say Ageing, "I've got a problem with me ear."
"That's better sir. What's wrong with it?"
"I can't piss out of it.."


:D

Funnily enough me cock is fine but I am almost tone deaf :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Tue Nov 27, 2018 8:54 pm

ageing hammer wrote::D
Funnily enough me cock is fine but I am almost tone deaf :D

:thup: :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby only1post on Tue Nov 27, 2018 9:10 pm

Cock a deaf'un
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Nov 27, 2018 9:30 pm

only1post wrote:Cock a deaf'un


Now THAT is class :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tarte Encore on Tue Nov 27, 2018 10:38 pm

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Well i am."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby markmc on Wed Nov 28, 2018 6:43 am

Paddy and Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole.
A builder walks past and they explain their problem.
He says, "That's simple fellas, watch this." He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. Paddy says to Mick, "Thick cu*t ! We want to know the height not the fuc*ing length!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Nov 28, 2018 11:14 pm

This bloke is in bed with his missus and asks her for a ride.

She tells him that he cannot say that anymore because the children will hear him.

They decide to give each other signals if they want sex.

He said to the missus " if you want sex with me catch hold of my cock and give it three tugs"

She asks " and what will I do if I don't want sex "

He replies " Give it another twenty " :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Nov 30, 2018 12:48 pm

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I do remember that shop."


He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby markmc on Sun Dec 02, 2018 3:39 pm

Neighbors George and Richard.....

Text Message from George to Richard;
Dear George, this is Richard your next door neighbor. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get the courage up to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is when your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great and I can't live with the guilt. I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard.

George response;
George, feeling enraged and betrayed grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, then poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

Text Message 2 from Richard to George;
Hi George, Richard here again, Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the damned spell-check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife", technology huh? It'll be the death of us all.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Sun Dec 02, 2018 11:14 pm

"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."
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