The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby uptonparkhurst on Mon Dec 03, 2018 12:34 am

Monkeybubbles wrote:"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."


:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:05 am

I was sitting watching TV with the wife last night when I said to her 'You know babe, you're almost the exact double of Jennifer Aniston'. She smiled and said ' That's lovely. What made you say that?' I replied 'Well, She's 9 stone and you're a bit under 18'.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:08 am

I lost our dog last night and I was on the streets for two hours searching but with no joy. When I came home my wife told me to go back out and look harder. So I shaved my head and got a tattoo but I still couldn't find him.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:09 am

Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.

He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.

"Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"...

Paddy says, "I am sir."

The preacher puts him under the water then says, "Have you found Jesus?"

"No, sir."

He puts him under for longer. "Have you found Jesus?"

"No, sir."

He puts him under for two minutes. "Have you found Jesus?"

Paddy says, "Are you feckin sure this is where he fell in"?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby claretandblue82 on Wed Dec 05, 2018 3:49 pm

A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it?

The man's! Why was he driving in the kitchen?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Fri Dec 07, 2018 2:34 pm

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:33 pm

pablo jaye wrote:After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

:thup:

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:10 pm

^^^^^^

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Chicken Run Supreme on Sat Dec 08, 2018 10:28 am

Westcliffspur wrote:I lost our dog last night and I was on the streets for two hours searching but with no joy. When I came home my wife told me to go back out and look harder. So I shaved my head and got a tattoo but I still couldn't find him.


:lol: Very good
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Sat Dec 08, 2018 3:42 pm

Or as the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school said to the inflatable boy with the drawing pin: "You've let me down, you've let the school down, but most of all you've let yourself down".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:05 am

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling”.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Haarlemammer on Sun Dec 09, 2018 3:51 pm

My bosses agreed I could go home early if I made the time up.
So I told them it was twelfty past wibble and went home.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby badgermax on Mon Dec 10, 2018 1:18 am

Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbled. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other.....she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully, are-my-test-re-sults-back?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hummer_I_mean_Hammer on Mon Dec 10, 2018 10:51 am

^^^^ :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:33 pm

I've just tried some of Elvis Costello's mediterranean-inspired sausages.

I can't see them catching on myself, but apparently olive salami is here to stay.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Tue Dec 11, 2018 10:00 pm

^^^^^^ :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:18 pm

Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:48 pm

pablo jaye wrote:Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.


:D :thup:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:47 pm

Very good :D
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