The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby delbert on Sat Jan 05, 2019 6:30 pm

^ Superb Sir ^....... :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Sun Jan 06, 2019 3:15 pm

How does Harry Kane know when his floor is level?

He dribbles from both sides of his mouth.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Mon Jan 07, 2019 11:49 am

I’m sure my best friend is having an affair with my wife.

He seems so miserable lately.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:49 am

Viagra.
Can you get it over the counter yet?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:22 pm

Samba wrote:Viagra.
Can you get it over the counter yet?


If you can get it over the counter you don't need Viagra :wink:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby York Ham(mer) on Tue Jan 08, 2019 2:31 pm

I now have four books on how to de-clutter.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:48 pm

After a bit of excess this festive season I thought a bit of weight loss was in order so I thought I’d look up weightwatchers .

i went to the website and the first thing they asked was if I’d accept cookies FFS !
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:43 pm

Not a joke as such but a true story.

The reason I recall it today was one of Ireland's favorite radio presenters Larry Gogan retired from Ireland's 2FM radio today after 40 years.

His most popular thing on his shows was his 60 second quiz where someone would ring in and try to answer as many questions as possible in 60 seconds.

They were recalling some of the great answers they got down the years and here are the best two.

Question " Where's the Taj Mahal "

Caller answers " Across the road from the dental hospital " ( it's a takeaway in Dublin )



The other one was "Can you complete the saying: As happy as......."

The caller struggling said er.. er... and Larry Gogan trying to help him said "think of me, my first name"

The bloke blurts out " As happy as a pig in shitt " :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Jan 08, 2019 10:41 pm

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years.

"This is Beth." I said, introducing my kid.

"And what's Beth short for?" he asked.

"Because she's only three." I answered.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:30 am

Breaking news!

Boy George's has been arrested after setting his pet reptile on his neighbour who suffered multiple bite wounds.

Maybe he should have got a calmer chameleon..........
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Old Man of Storr on Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:33 am

ageing hammer wrote:


The other one was "Can you complete the saying: As happy as......."

The caller struggling said er.. er... and Larry Gogan trying to help him said "think of me, my first name"

The bloke blurts out " As happy as a pig in shitt " :D


While Iabac's joke was one that made me stand up and clap this one of yours brought tears to my eyes ! :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Old Man of Storr on Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:34 am

IABATAC wrote:A bloke goes to the dentist and says:

"I keep feeling like a moth."

The dentist replies:

"That sounds like a mental health problem. I'm a dentist."

The bloke says:

"I know you're a dentist."

The dentists says:

"Well why did you come in here then?"

The bloke replies:

"The light was on."



Deserves a standing ovation . :Brilliant .
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Jan 09, 2019 8:55 am

ageing hammer wrote:Not a joke as such but a true story.

The reason I recall it today was one of Ireland's favorite radio presenters Larry Gogan retired from Ireland's 2FM radio today after 40 years.

His most popular thing on his shows was his 60 second quiz where someone would ring in and try to answer as many questions as possible in 60 seconds.

They were recalling some of the great answers they got down the years and here are the best two.

Question " Where's the Taj Mahal "

Caller answers " Across the road from the dental hospital " ( it's a takeaway in Dublin )



The other one was "Can you complete the saying: As happy as......."

The caller struggling said er.. er... and Larry Gogan trying to help him said "think of me, my first name"

The bloke blurts out " As happy as a pig in shitt " :D

:lol:
:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Puff Daddy on Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:30 pm

ageing hammer wrote:Not a joke as such but a true story.

The reason I recall it today was one of Ireland's favorite radio presenters Larry Gogan retired from Ireland's 2FM radio today after 40 years.

His most popular thing on his shows was his 60 second quiz where someone would ring in and try to answer as many questions as possible in 60 seconds.

They were recalling some of the great answers they got down the years and here are the best two.

Question " Where's the Taj Mahal "

Caller answers " Across the road from the dental hospital " ( it's a takeaway in Dublin )



The other one was "Can you complete the saying: As happy as......."

The caller struggling said er.. er... and Larry Gogan trying to help him said "think of me, my first name"

The bloke blurts out " As happy as a pig in shitt " :D


That reminds me of a TV Quiz show some years ago, Forget which show.

Compere: Name a bird with a long neck

Contestant: Naomi Campbell
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:14 pm

A man walks into a cafe:

"Full English, please mate.."

"Yeah, certainly... 50p."

"50p?!? That's awfully cheap. Are you the owner of this cafe?"

"Nah. He's upstairs with my wife"

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?!"

"Same thing I'm doing to his business..."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:35 pm

Puff Daddy wrote:That reminds me of a TV Quiz show some years ago, Forget which show.

Compere: Name a bird with a long neck

Contestant: Naomi Campbell


family fortunes - worth looking them up on youtube

my favourite ' name a dangerous race '
they answered ' the arabs '
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:38 pm

i was watching pointless during the xmas break and they were asking who is the top ranked policewoman or somethign like that and the answer is clarrissa dick but the contestant answered ' caressa dick ' instead
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Puff Daddy on Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:42 pm

Another from a TV game show

Compere: Name the German state national airline

Contestant: The Luftwaffe
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Jan 10, 2019 12:30 am

I loved the contestant on The Chase who in the cash builder round was asked by Bradders:

"From what film does the line 'We're gonna need a bigger boat ' come from"?

Their answer was:

"Titanic?" :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Clucking Bell on Thu Jan 10, 2019 12:40 am

This might be an urban myth but there was some sort of 'Mr and Mrs' type show on one of the talk radio channels.

The question was, 'where did you last have sex?'

Mr's answer was, 'in the kitchen'

Mrs's answer (giggling): 'in the ass .....'
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