The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Mon Feb 04, 2019 1:32 pm

A coachload of jazz musicians has overturned on the M25.

Lengthy jams are expected.

***

I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.

It's rubbish. Everything is either underground or overground.

***

I took a taxi to my court appearance this morning.
On arrival the driver asked "What are you here for?"
I replied, "My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too."

***

Guys, all women want from us is everything and nothing at different moments but all at the same time sometimes and never but always!

***

I can't work for my boss any more after what he said to me:
"Paddy, you're fired."

***
A wife is like a grenade.
Remove the ring and your whole house is gone

***

How is it that if the government finds diamonds in your back garden, they become government property, but if they find drugs, they're yours!?

***

I grow medical marijuana on my farm but my cows keep getting in to it.
I think it's the pot calling the cattle back.

***

It takes only one man to put in a light bulb, but it takes a whole Emergency Room to remove it.

***

Ok, children, our guest today is Bill Gates and he's going to teach us how to count to 10.
All together now: 1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.

***

To all those who received a book off me for Christmas.

They're due back at the library today.

***

Brexit walks into a bar.
Barman: “Why the long farce?”

***

My wife says I have 2 faults-I don't listen...and something else.

***

My mate Paddy O'Thongs goes to buy a car with £100. He asks the salesman - have you got any cars for a hundred quid. Yeah he replies, we have one but its got no doors. Paddy quite rightly points out - "well how the **** am I going to get in it!"

***
He went home and then him and his missus decide to try a 69. Paddy’s never done one before so Mary says she’ll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising she tries again but farts again. Paddy quite rightly jumps up and storms out yelling “Ill be ****ed if I’m hanging around for 67 more of them"

***

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Mon Feb 04, 2019 1:32 pm

^^ I only went back 10 pages, so excuse the reruns :arry:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Etonhammer on Tue Feb 05, 2019 2:09 am

"Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Your Mother named her. It's because we both love Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."

"Oh, OK. Thanks Dad."

"No problem Alan."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Tue Feb 05, 2019 1:24 pm

A horse is having a quiet drink in a seaside pub when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.

After they’ve introduced themselves, the donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter. What about you?”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then asks the horse “Have you ever won anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps, I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

“Wow!” thinks the donkey.

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he has done everything.”

So he goes out and buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.

The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh that? That’s me when I played for Juventus..”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue Feb 05, 2019 2:24 pm

The two ladies in my local chip shop are called Tina & Marge . I went in there just before they were closing, they had run out of chips , but said they would make some more . I said “ Don’t fry for me Marge & Tina”.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby only1post on Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:26 am

Hope that joke is not still on this thread later.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby V-M on Wed Feb 06, 2019 8:27 am

Dover KUMB fan wrote:The two ladies in my local chip shop are called Tina & Marge . I went in there just before they were closing, they had run out of chips , but said they would make some more . I said “ Don’t fry for me Marge & Tina”.


I just split up with my girlfriend Lorraine, ive been having an affair with an older woman called Deirdre.

Anyway all's good because ...

I can see Deirdrie now Lorraine has gone...

:oops:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Feb 06, 2019 11:49 am

BBC1 are scraping the barrel with their new show about Scotland Yard investigating the world's most famous detective found bludgeoned to death on his doorstep at 221b Baker Street - Holmes Under the Hammer.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Feb 06, 2019 11:51 am

As my old Grandad used to say, "When you're in a hole stop digging, son".
Great grandfather but a useless gravedigger.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DasNutNock on Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:10 pm

Name a character that could beat Captain America.

Captain Vietnam.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:18 pm

Etonhammer wrote:"Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Your Mother named her. It's because we both love Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."

"Oh, OK. Thanks Dad."

"No problem Alan."


Westcliffspur wrote:30/03/18

Son: Dad, why did you and Mum call my sister Teresa?
Dad: Because it’s an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: You’re welcome Alan



Bamber Gascoigne wrote:08/05/17
Son: Dad, why did you and Mum name my little sister Teresa?

Dad: Because we decided that our childrens names should reflect the things we love, and your Mum absolutely loves Easter - and Teresa, is an anagram of Easter!

Son: Oh - that makes sense. Thanks Dad.

Dad: No problem Alan


I'm beginning to think I have some kind of problem.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Feb 06, 2019 4:26 pm

The Non racist crap joke thread.
Catering for Alzheimer's since 2010
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:08 pm

:D

You can never get tired of hearing them again :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:10 pm

Monkeybubbles - Joke Police

Surely there's a place on the mod team for that?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Tenbury on Wed Feb 06, 2019 6:35 pm

I just think he's being a bit Alan.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Feb 07, 2019 1:11 am

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Thu Feb 07, 2019 1:34 am

"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Stephen. How can I help you?"

"Hi Stephen, I really need your advice on a very serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, the usual signs like, the phone rings and when I answer the caller hangs up, or when she gets a text she goes out of the room to read it, and also she has started to go out with "the girls" quite a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out to see how and when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was still not home. So, as my suspicions were getting the better of me I hid in the garage, behind my car and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of a taxi, turned and told whoever else was in the cab that she would call them tomorrow, blew them a kiss and walked to the front door buttoning up her blouse and adjusting her skirt. Then before putting her key into the lock on the door, I saw her take her knickers out of her hand bag before slipping them on.

It was at that moment, while crouching behind the car, that I noticed a hairline crack in the rear exhaust box. The MOT is due next month so is that something I could repair with a weld, or do I need to replace the whole rear section of the exhaust?"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Thu Feb 07, 2019 4:09 am

Monkeybubbles wrote:I'm beginning to think I have some kind of problem.

Beginning???
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby woodford on Thu Feb 07, 2019 9:10 am

sorry posted a link thats not working, as you were
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Thu Feb 07, 2019 9:13 am

woodford wrote:sorry posted a link thats not working, as you were



It's ok I don't think Monkeybubbles has clocked in yet.
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