The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby DoubleDave on Wed May 08, 2019 1:16 am

Sauce! wrote:I went to bed last night convinced that I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.

Woke up this morning feeling fine.


Like It..... :)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Wed May 08, 2019 9:56 am

:D
Rocketron wrote:Two thai girls ask me if id like to go to bed with them, they said it would be like winning the lottery,
I agreed and we all stripped off but to my horror they were right we had six matching balls,
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Old Man of Storr on Wed May 08, 2019 11:33 am

Samba wrote:
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”


This is a lot like my photography hobby - you take enough shots and one of them is bound to be good . :lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Thu May 09, 2019 4:24 am

Sauce! wrote:I went to bed last night convinced that I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.
Woke up this morning feeling fine.

Dave Clark the musician, once got arrested for Feeling Glad All Over..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer1972 on Thu May 09, 2019 3:28 pm

Met an old friend today. Asked him what he was up these days...

"I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to alcohol and gambling. That sort of thing."

"Charity work?" I asked.

"No. Wetherspoons"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Fri May 10, 2019 9:44 am

The fact that Head & shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes disappoints me almost as much as I disappoint my parents
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Fri May 10, 2019 9:49 am

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:The fact that Head & shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes disappoints me almost as much as I disappoint my parents



Expect a visit from MonkeyBubbles (Joke Police)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Fri May 10, 2019 1:55 pm

I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight"
He replied "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Fri May 10, 2019 2:10 pm

Hammer.CA wrote:I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight"
He replied "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"


I read that in my head but still had my tongue out.. wtf?

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Fri May 10, 2019 5:09 pm

S-H wrote:Expect a visit from MonkeyBubbles (Joke Police)


There are no words to express how sad this makes me. In every sense of the term.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby S-H on Fri May 10, 2019 5:19 pm

You haven't got time to be sad old chum, get out there and enforce..
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Fri May 10, 2019 8:41 pm

Monkeybubbles wrote:There are no words to express how sad this makes me. In every sense of the term.


Keep 'em peeled mate.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WHU_Del on Fri May 10, 2019 9:19 pm

In the old days of the Soviet Union, a factory worker has managed to save enough to buy a new Lada. So he goes to the showroom and orders his car.
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby WHU_Del on Fri May 10, 2019 9:21 pm

And while on the theme...

Why did the KGB go around in threes?
One to do the reading.
One to do the writing.
And one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Samba on Sat May 11, 2019 12:58 am

Monkeybubbles wrote:There are no words to express how sad this makes me. In every sense of the term.

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Keep 'em peeled mate.

You've been released while he makes enquiries...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby don't burst my bubble on Sat May 11, 2019 9:58 am

Met a girl down the pub last night, she said to me

“Come outside and I will show you a good time”

So I went with her...

....and she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Old Man of Storr on Sat May 11, 2019 10:19 am

don't burst my bubble wrote:Met a girl down the pub last night, she said to me

“Come outside and I will show you a good time”

So I went with her...

....and she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds


I like this one . :)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby The Old Man of Storr on Sat May 11, 2019 10:26 am

Samba wrote:Monkeyb, I’ll level with you. I’m really scared..


It's ok , he's that bloke from The 39 Steps - no , not Robert Donat [ my favourite ] , or Kenneth More or Robert Powell - Monkeybubbles is none other than ' Mr Memory ' , tell me , am I right , sir ?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Hammer.CA on Sat May 11, 2019 2:58 pm

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway., you're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the crash and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor continues. "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that'll work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is,it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want but you'd better discuss your decision with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-inch, she might be a bit put out but if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five-inch this time, she might be disappointed so it's important that she plays a role in helping you decide."
The man agrees to talk with his wife during that evening's visiting hours.
The doctor returns the next day.
"So," he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," the man replies.
"And, has she helped you in making the decision?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, she has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby lewisham-mer on Sat May 11, 2019 8:42 pm

I’ve accidentally taken my cat's meds.

Don’t ask me-ow
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