|Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.
Just wondered what the best put-down / one-liner you have heard?
I still think Harry Redknapp's "Did you think about pulling Paolo off at half-time Harry?" "No he got an orange like everyone else..."
I know it's old one, but my fat mate said once on a football pitch "you know why I'm so fat... because every time I shag your Mum she gives me a biscuit!"
I heard a good one at work the other day about a tight bloke in the office, someone said "Rob last time you got a tenner out of your wallet the queen squinted because it had been so long since she'd seen the sun!"
How about you, any particularly good ones?
harry nicked that of Rodney Marsh when Marsh played for England, Marsh reckons he said it to Sir Alf at half time and is the reason he never got picked again.
Complete bollox of course but it keeps people entertained when he gives his after dinner speeches.
They all use pretty good script writers these days, its a lucrative source of income for old pro's..
This may be apocryphal, but anyway:
A stand-up comedian tries to embarrass a bloke who is leaving his seat in the audience:
Oi mate, where do you think you're going?
I'm going for a quick jimmy - the comedian's on in a minute.
Another very good one I heard was Paul Chowdry at the Top Secret Comedy Club a few years ago. He was doing a set about the BNP and the EDL which went something like this:
Heckler: They're not racist.
Chowdry: Sorry, mate?
Heckler: The EDL aren't racist, they just don't like Muslims.
Chowdry: Oh ok mate. What's your name?
Chowdry: And where are you from, Jamie?
Jamie: Kent. Garden of England, mate.
Chowdry: And which one are you, Jamie?
Chowdry: Which one are you? EDL or BNP?
Jamie just laughed awkwardly.
Wifes good, the kids retarded.
Botham to Chappell
The cricket one was Eddo Brandes responding to some sledging by Glenn McGarth
Few years back I was having an online chat about a meet up with vmixture on MSN messenger... remember that?!
Me: "Got told by a girl in work today, that I look like Shayne Ward"
vmixture: "Shayne Ward? More like Shane Warne, ya fat ****..."
Me: "Well played"
This is also a cricket one that I like...
1. James Ormond to Mark Waugh
The little known England bowler James Ormond was preparing to bowl to Mark Waugh - one of the legendary Waugh brothers.
Waugh: "**** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England."
Ormond: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family".
15. Robin Smith to Merv Hughes
England’s Robin Smith demonstrates to Merv Hughes the dangers of sledging just before you’re about to bowl to someone.
Hughes: "You can't ****ing bat."
Smith hits Hughes for four.
Smith: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't ****ing bat and you can't ****ing bowl."
The cricket put downs are in a class of their own. Also some of the political ones are class, I am sure we all know the Churchill one to some Doris who accused him of being pissed?
Doris - "Mr Churchill you are drunkl!"
Churchill "I may be, but you Doris are ugly, and in the morning I will be sober"
A personal one- At Knebwoth 1990. We were filming and hosted a big industry hospitality venue.
Pink Floyd minus Waters were on, but that clashed with Ireland V Italy in the World Cup so we were in a hospitality tent watching the football. I put out Nessun Dorma, we were number one that week, and we had Pavarotti's manager as guest that day, he kept digging us out re the football, he was from New York and was saying that American sports were much more popular, we straightened him out on that score and went back to watching the football. He goes outside to watch a bit of Floyd and then comes back in and starts giving us a load of grief because he thinks we are being disrespectful to the artists, he had a point, but he was getting on everyone's nerves by now, his closing barb as he prepared to go back outside,
"you guys are should show Floyd some respect, they have done more for British culture than any musicians ever", ridiculous obviously, at which point I lost my temper and rounded on the idiot -"Oh is that right? Well if that's the case how many of their tunes can your ****ing dustman whistle?"
We never worked with Pavarotti again.
Pie chucker bowler puts two deliveries past Viv Richards, he bowls a third which the great batsman misses the pie chucker says "if your looking for the ball, its red and its round", next delivery Viv smashes the ball out of the ground and says to the bowler, "you know what it looks like man, go find it".
One that was aimed squarely at me, when I was a sensitive teenager trying to hang around with a crowd:
"Look, it's nothing personal. We just don't like you".
That hurt at the time, but even then I thought it was a great put down.