Best put-down / one liner you have heard

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Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Faliraki Hammer on Sun Mar 19, 2017 9:08 pm

Just wondered what the best put-down / one-liner you have heard?

I still think Harry Redknapp's "Did you think about pulling Paolo off at half-time Harry?" "No he got an orange like everyone else..."

I know it's old one, but my fat mate said once on a football pitch "you know why I'm so fat... because every time I shag your Mum she gives me a biscuit!"

I heard a good one at work the other day about a tight bloke in the office, someone said "Rob last time you got a tenner out of your wallet the queen squinted because it had been so long since she'd seen the sun!"

How about you, any particularly good ones?
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby sendô on Sun Mar 19, 2017 9:09 pm

Your mum
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby mushy on Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:53 pm

Faliraki Hammer wrote:Just wondered what the best put-down / one-liner you have heard?

I still think Harry Redknapp's "Did you think about pulling Paolo off at half-time Harry?" "No he got an orange like everyone else..."


harry nicked that of Rodney Marsh when Marsh played for England, Marsh reckons he said it to Sir Alf at half time and is the reason he never got picked again.
Complete bollox of course but it keeps people entertained when he gives his after dinner speeches.
They all use pretty good script writers these days, its a lucrative source of income for old pro's..
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby uptonparkhurst on Sun Mar 19, 2017 11:26 pm

This may be apocryphal, but anyway:

A stand-up comedian tries to embarrass a bloke who is leaving his seat in the audience:
Oi mate, where do you think you're going?
I'm going for a quick jimmy - the comedian's on in a minute.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby IABATAC on Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:44 am

Jo Brand at the Comedy Store circa 1985 to a heckler: "I would come over there and sit on your face but I'm not on my period."
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Rocket on Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:53 am

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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby delbert on Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:56 am

Not a put down but the appreciation of an attractive women.

" If I was inside her it would take King Arthur to pull me out ".
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Rocket on Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:00 am

Another very good one I heard was Paul Chowdry at the Top Secret Comedy Club a few years ago. He was doing a set about the BNP and the EDL which went something like this:

Heckler: They're not racist.
Chowdry: Sorry, mate?
Heckler: The EDL aren't racist, they just don't like Muslims.
Chowdry: Oh ok mate. What's your name?
Heckler: Jamie.
Chowdry: And where are you from, Jamie?
Jamie: Kent. Garden of England, mate.
Chowdry: And which one are you, Jamie?
Jamie: Huh?
Chowdry: Which one are you? EDL or BNP?
Jamie just laughed awkwardly.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:32 am

I think Frankie Boyle is the king of put downs ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0shudg06iE
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby psychoscoredthelot on Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:17 am

your fat mate nicked that line off of a cricketer too

they tend to have the best put downs in sport

someone once said to Ian Botham at the crease - hows your wife and my kids doing
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Slacking student on Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:26 am

psychoscoredthelot wrote:your fat mate nicked that line off of a cricketer too

they tend to have the best put downs in sport

someone once said to Ian Botham at the crease - hows your wife and my kids doing


Wifes good, the kids retarded.

Botham to Chappell
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby pablo jaye on Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:36 am

psychoscoredthelot wrote:your fat mate nicked that line off of a cricketer too

they tend to have the best put downs in sport

someone once said to Ian Botham at the crease - hows your wife and my kids doing


The cricket one was Eddo Brandes responding to some sledging by Glenn McGarth
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby rare as rockinghorse shat on Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:56 am

Few years back I was having an online chat about a meet up with vmixture on MSN messenger... remember that?!

Me: "Got told by a girl in work today, that I look like Shayne Ward"

vmixture: "Shayne Ward? More like Shane Warne, ya fat ****..."

Me: "Well played"
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Centre Half on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:12 pm

The 'everytime I shag your mum she gives me a biscuit' was definitely Shane Warne
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Centre Half on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:16 pm

This is also a cricket one that I like...

1. James Ormond to Mark Waugh

The little known England bowler James Ormond was preparing to bowl to Mark Waugh - one of the legendary Waugh brothers.

Waugh: "**** me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England."

Ormond: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family".

:D
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Centre Half on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:21 pm

One more...

15. Robin Smith to Merv Hughes

England’s Robin Smith demonstrates to Merv Hughes the dangers of sledging just before you’re about to bowl to someone.

Hughes: "You can't ****ing bat."

Smith hits Hughes for four.

Smith: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't ****ing bat and you can't ****ing bowl."
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby DasNutNock on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:28 pm

Aussies - masters of sledging and masters of acting like whining little snowflakes when anyone sledged back.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:32 pm

The cricket put downs are in a class of their own. Also some of the political ones are class, I am sure we all know the Churchill one to some Doris who accused him of being pissed?

Doris - "Mr Churchill you are drunkl!"
Churchill "I may be, but you Doris are ugly, and in the morning I will be sober"

A personal one- At Knebwoth 1990. We were filming and hosted a big industry hospitality venue.
Pink Floyd minus Waters were on, but that clashed with Ireland V Italy in the World Cup so we were in a hospitality tent watching the football. I put out Nessun Dorma, we were number one that week, and we had Pavarotti's manager as guest that day, he kept digging us out re the football, he was from New York and was saying that American sports were much more popular, we straightened him out on that score and went back to watching the football. He goes outside to watch a bit of Floyd and then comes back in and starts giving us a load of grief because he thinks we are being disrespectful to the artists, he had a point, but he was getting on everyone's nerves by now, his closing barb as he prepared to go back outside,
"you guys are should show Floyd some respect, they have done more for British culture than any musicians ever", ridiculous obviously, at which point I lost my temper and rounded on the idiot -"Oh is that right? Well if that's the case how many of their tunes can your ****ing dustman whistle?"
We never worked with Pavarotti again.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:36 pm

Pie chucker bowler puts two deliveries past Viv Richards, he bowls a third which the great batsman misses the pie chucker says "if your looking for the ball, its red and its round", next delivery Viv smashes the ball out of the ground and says to the bowler, "you know what it looks like man, go find it".
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby 333 and out on Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:47 pm

One that was aimed squarely at me, when I was a sensitive teenager trying to hang around with a crowd:

"Look, it's nothing personal. We just don't like you".

That hurt at the time, but even then I thought it was a great put down.
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