Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.

Moderators: bristolhammerfc, sicknote, -DL-, Rio, Gnome, chalks, the pink palermo

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby POP POP POP Robson on Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:07 pm

“Michael Jackson’s album was called Bad because there wasn’t enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic.” Prince
User avatar
POP POP POP Robson
 
Posts: 3921
Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 10:50 am
Location: With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Monkeybubbles on Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:16 pm

Estuary wrote:Churchill......



"Mr Atlee is a modest man, with much to be modest about".
User avatar
Monkeybubbles
 
Posts: 3179
Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 12:00 pm
Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby only1post on Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:29 pm

Got lines once at school when I asked a skinny teacher if she had to run around in the shower to get wet and at the other end of the scale a comedian asked a mate if he had been eating 'effing pillows at The Robin Hood one night.
only1post
 
Posts: 768
Joined: Tue Feb 18, 2014 12:48 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby FreeWheeling on Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:29 pm

Mate brings his new bit into the pub one sat afternoon after we had finished a league game.
Another mate sat at the table politely introduces himself and then says to her 'you look like you've sucked a few cocks'
FreeWheeling
 
Posts: 2427
Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2010 6:55 pm
Location: Behind the away goal at the Camrose

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby ageing hammer on Mon Mar 20, 2017 1:38 pm

A former work colleague of mine had just returned to work after being out for 6 months after a heart attack and operation.

Another mate sat behind the other blokes back at the next table on our coffee break.

The other mate winked and said out loud so everyone could hear him

" How can someone with no heart have a heart attack"

Quick as a flash the other chap says " It would be like you having a brain tumour " :D
User avatar
ageing hammer
 
Posts: 15988
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:04 am
Location: Kumb along for the craic

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:05 pm

"Bill Clinton is from Arkansas, the sort of place where a man will introduce you to his wife and his sister, and there's only one woman standing there" - Bill Hicks.
User avatar
Estuary
 
Posts: 3037
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:40 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Dave Hedgehog on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:08 pm

Playing football at school in about 1996, I took a complete air shot at the ball.

The biggest guy in our year, who usually kept himself to himself, laughed and said: "You'd make my mum look good."

I said: "Who's your mum, George Weah?".

Then I ran, very quickly.
Dave Hedgehog
 
Posts: 28
Joined: Wed Oct 14, 2015 1:20 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Cockneyboy311 on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:08 pm

Estuary wrote:"Bill Clinton is from Arkansas, the sort of place where a man will introduce you to his wife and his sister, and there's only one woman standing there" - Bill Hicks.


As soon as i saw this thread i thought Bill Hicks will have to appear at some point, and here it is :D
User avatar
Cockneyboy311
 
Posts: 6611
Joined: Thu Oct 08, 2009 1:23 pm
Location: Fascination Street

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Cockneyboy311 on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:15 pm

My old area manager was a right horrible little man. He didn't think i was up to much but a few years later when i was doing very well in a different store he tried to poach me back.

Him - 'I've got a managers postion going in 'insert store name here' Dave if you're interested.'

Me - 'I'd rather **** my bed then work for you again.'

Cue stifled laughter from a couple of my colleagues and utter disbelief from the man himself. My current area manager was there at the time and he said to me later 'you can't say things like that!' I replied, 'Well it's a bit late now Mark isn't it? Besides it's the truth."

Later on in the day my collegue Paul was still laughing. Said it was the best thing he'd ever heard and high fived me :D
User avatar
Cockneyboy311
 
Posts: 6611
Joined: Thu Oct 08, 2009 1:23 pm
Location: Fascination Street

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:31 pm

Lennon - The Royal Variety performance - "For our last number, I’d like to ask your help. Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And for the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry…’

Lennon again in court during the Beatles acrimonious break up - Ringo's testimony is him trying to be nice to all parties, ostensibly he is on Lennon's side and against McCartney in the dispute about who will manage them, but has said nice things about Paul "he is the best bass player int he world", Lennon is in the witness box and is asked by his own barrister if he thinks Ringo is the best drummer in the world Lennon slaughters his band mate with this- "Best drummer in the world? Ringo isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles"
User avatar
Estuary
 
Posts: 3037
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:40 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby SalopHammer on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:39 pm

Me and my mate when to a night club when we were in our early twenties and he decides to chat up a gorgeous looking mature woman (40+) who was clearly out of his class.......he asked her "would you like to dance?"..........she looked him up and down sneered at him and said "I don't dance with children!"........quick as a flash he replied......"I'm ever so sorry Madam, I didn't realise you were pregnant" :D
SalopHammer
 
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Jun 08, 2009 11:01 am

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:40 pm

Bette Midler- "I celebrate everyone's religious holidays. if it's good enough for the righteous, it's good enough for the self-righteous, I always say."
User avatar
Estuary
 
Posts: 3037
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:40 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby the celestial insect on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:47 pm

When Tallulah Bankhead saw a former lover she hadn't seen for 10 years at a party, she said, "I thought I told you to wait in the car".
User avatar
the celestial insect
 
Posts: 3771
Joined: Sun Jan 05, 2003 11:06 am
Location: on some faraway beach

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:53 pm

Peter Cooks - On learning Elizabeth Taylor's glands were behind her weight issues: "Poor woman. There she is, in her suite in the Dorchester, harmlessly watching television. Suddenly her glands pick up the phone and order two dozen éclairs and a bottle of brandy. 'No,' she screams, 'please, I beg you!' but her glands take no notice. Determined glands they are, her glands. You've never known glands like them. The trolley arrives and Elizabeth Taylor hides in the bathroom, but her glands, her glands take the éclairs, smash down the door and stuff them down her throat. I'm glad I haven't got glands like that. Terrible glands."

Peter Cook - "You Rang?": Peter Cook receives a phone call from David Frost. "Peter, I'm having a little dinner party on behalf of Prince Andrew and his bride-to-be Sarah Ferguson. I know they'd love to meet you - big fans. It'd be super if you could make it - Wednesday 12th." "Oh, hang on, I'll just check my diary," Cook replies. "On dear, I find I'm watching television that night.
User avatar
Estuary
 
Posts: 3037
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:40 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:54 pm

Woody Allen - "Dont knock masturbation, its sex with someone I love"
User avatar
Estuary
 
Posts: 3037
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:40 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:02 pm

Robert Mitchum - Years ago, I saved up a million dollars from acting, a lot of money in those days, and I spent it all on a horse farm in Tucson. Now when I go down there, I look at that place and I realize my whole acting career adds up to a million dollars worth of horse ****.
User avatar
Estuary
 
Posts: 3037
Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:40 pm

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Eggchaser on Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:03 pm

I was at a Sportsman's Dinner a few years ago where the speaker was Ian Robertson, former Scotland International & BBC Rugby Correspondent.

When drunk started shouting comments during his speech he looked straight at the bloke and said "You've reminded me of a story, about an old friend who worked at London Zoo. He was a keeper for the Hippopotamus. One day his favourite Hippo, Bessie, suffered a heart attack and collapsed!
My friend was devastated, he said, but he quickly leapt over the fence, raced to Bessie's side and attempted to perform mouth to mouth.
Sadly, Bessie was a hippo, her mouth was two feet wide.
My pal was a mere man, with a much smaller mouth and sadly he couldn't create the seal necessary to perform successful mouth to mouth, so Bessie died.

What a shame you weren't there, imagine the difference you could have made!"
User avatar
Eggchaser
 
Posts: 3175
Joined: Fri May 21, 2004 2:24 pm
Location: Sowfampton

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby vietnammer on Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:22 pm

West country comedian Jethro to a couple who interrupted by coming in late:

Ain't it a shame when cousins marry like that?
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
 
Posts: 23480
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 3:31 am
Location: In the flat-roof pub next to the bookies

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Johnny Byrne's Boots on Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:27 pm

I got an earful from a cabbie once after an 'interesting' manoeuvre, which ended with "What did you think you were doing?"

My quick as a flash reply was "Learning to be a taxi driver"
User avatar
Johnny Byrne's Boots
 
Posts: 15493
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 5:19 pm
Location: Hit it, find it, hit it again

Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby mumbles87 on Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:35 pm

newbie at work was killing the service

comes out with "its a learning curve"

manager replies "more like a precipice"
mumbles87
 
Posts: 8756
Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:35 am

PreviousNext

Return to The Snug

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: woodgreenspur and 9 guests