|Anything goes in The Snug, the GD's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity for non-football/news related musings.
Got lines once at school when I asked a skinny teacher if she had to run around in the shower to get wet and at the other end of the scale a comedian asked a mate if he had been eating 'effing pillows at The Robin Hood one night.
Mate brings his new bit into the pub one sat afternoon after we had finished a league game.
Another mate sat at the table politely introduces himself and then says to her 'you look like you've sucked a few cocks'
A former work colleague of mine had just returned to work after being out for 6 months after a heart attack and operation.
Another mate sat behind the other blokes back at the next table on our coffee break.
The other mate winked and said out loud so everyone could hear him
" How can someone with no heart have a heart attack"
Quick as a flash the other chap says " It would be like you having a brain tumour "
Playing football at school in about 1996, I took a complete air shot at the ball.
The biggest guy in our year, who usually kept himself to himself, laughed and said: "You'd make my mum look good."
I said: "Who's your mum, George Weah?".
Then I ran, very quickly.
As soon as i saw this thread i thought Bill Hicks will have to appear at some point, and here it is
My old area manager was a right horrible little man. He didn't think i was up to much but a few years later when i was doing very well in a different store he tried to poach me back.
Him - 'I've got a managers postion going in 'insert store name here' Dave if you're interested.'
Me - 'I'd rather **** my bed then work for you again.'
Cue stifled laughter from a couple of my colleagues and utter disbelief from the man himself. My current area manager was there at the time and he said to me later 'you can't say things like that!' I replied, 'Well it's a bit late now Mark isn't it? Besides it's the truth."
Later on in the day my collegue Paul was still laughing. Said it was the best thing he'd ever heard and high fived me
Lennon - The Royal Variety performance - "For our last number, I’d like to ask your help. Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And for the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry…’
Lennon again in court during the Beatles acrimonious break up - Ringo's testimony is him trying to be nice to all parties, ostensibly he is on Lennon's side and against McCartney in the dispute about who will manage them, but has said nice things about Paul "he is the best bass player int he world", Lennon is in the witness box and is asked by his own barrister if he thinks Ringo is the best drummer in the world Lennon slaughters his band mate with this- "Best drummer in the world? Ringo isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles"
Me and my mate when to a night club when we were in our early twenties and he decides to chat up a gorgeous looking mature woman (40+) who was clearly out of his class.......he asked her "would you like to dance?"..........she looked him up and down sneered at him and said "I don't dance with children!"........quick as a flash he replied......"I'm ever so sorry Madam, I didn't realise you were pregnant"
Peter Cooks - On learning Elizabeth Taylor's glands were behind her weight issues: "Poor woman. There she is, in her suite in the Dorchester, harmlessly watching television. Suddenly her glands pick up the phone and order two dozen éclairs and a bottle of brandy. 'No,' she screams, 'please, I beg you!' but her glands take no notice. Determined glands they are, her glands. You've never known glands like them. The trolley arrives and Elizabeth Taylor hides in the bathroom, but her glands, her glands take the éclairs, smash down the door and stuff them down her throat. I'm glad I haven't got glands like that. Terrible glands."
Peter Cook - "You Rang?": Peter Cook receives a phone call from David Frost. "Peter, I'm having a little dinner party on behalf of Prince Andrew and his bride-to-be Sarah Ferguson. I know they'd love to meet you - big fans. It'd be super if you could make it - Wednesday 12th." "Oh, hang on, I'll just check my diary," Cook replies. "On dear, I find I'm watching television that night.
Robert Mitchum - Years ago, I saved up a million dollars from acting, a lot of money in those days, and I spent it all on a horse farm in Tucson. Now when I go down there, I look at that place and I realize my whole acting career adds up to a million dollars worth of horse ****.
I was at a Sportsman's Dinner a few years ago where the speaker was Ian Robertson, former Scotland International & BBC Rugby Correspondent.
When drunk started shouting comments during his speech he looked straight at the bloke and said "You've reminded me of a story, about an old friend who worked at London Zoo. He was a keeper for the Hippopotamus. One day his favourite Hippo, Bessie, suffered a heart attack and collapsed!
My friend was devastated, he said, but he quickly leapt over the fence, raced to Bessie's side and attempted to perform mouth to mouth.
Sadly, Bessie was a hippo, her mouth was two feet wide.
My pal was a mere man, with a much smaller mouth and sadly he couldn't create the seal necessary to perform successful mouth to mouth, so Bessie died.
What a shame you weren't there, imagine the difference you could have made!"
I got an earful from a cabbie once after an 'interesting' manoeuvre, which ended with "What did you think you were doing?"
My quick as a flash reply was "Learning to be a taxi driver"