Best put-down / one liner you have heard

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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby rare as rockinghorse shat on Mon Mar 20, 2017 3:37 pm

Eggchaser wrote:I was at a Sportsman's Dinner a few years ago where the speaker was Ian Robertson, former Scotland International & BBC Rugby Correspondent.

When drunk started shouting comments during his speech he looked straight at the bloke and said "You've reminded me of a story, about an old friend who worked at London Zoo. He was a keeper for the Hippopotamus. One day his favourite Hippo, Bessie, suffered a heart attack and collapsed!
My friend was devastated, he said, but he quickly leapt over the fence, raced to Bessie's side and attempted to perform mouth to mouth.
Sadly, Bessie was a hippo, her mouth was two feet wide.
My pal was a mere man, with a much smaller mouth and sadly he couldn't create the seal necessary to perform successful mouth to mouth, so Bessie died.

What a shame you weren't there, imagine the difference you could have made!"


How rubbish.

That'd deserve the ever so simple: "Shut up mate, you're boring".
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Burningaham on Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:36 pm

I was once told to go away, " . . . Or I'll cut your head off and throw it in your face"
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby irongav on Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:30 pm

when i was a teenager, i went through a massive growth spurt, head n shoulders above most
Bumped into a bloke i used to do a bit of work with while standing in a queue in a very busy garage,I said hello, he looked up at me and recognised me and said "blimey didnt know they stacked it that high" as he walked off towards the door i shouted "stacked what that high" ....."****" he replied :oops:
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby hammerdivone on Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:45 pm

When the kids were young we used to holiday in France, using the overnight ferry to travel to Cherbourg. We booked on one coming back one year that had no sleeper seats, just cabins which were all full, so we ended up finding a quiet stairwell to park ourselves under for the journey, not in anyone's way.

Around midnight this woman kept coming back and forth from her cabin to the bar, obviously worse for wear and very noisy in the process shouting to her friend/s or kids depending on who was with her, which kept waking the kids up. Now whilst I appreciate we shouldn't have been there I could have accepted this happening once or even twice but over the course of 2 hours this happened at least 5 times.

In the end, in the early hours of the morning as she went loudly past again I said "excuse me, would you mind being a bit more quiet as you keep waking up the kids"

She replied "I'll do what I want, these areas are common"

to which I replied "Yeah, and so are you"
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Romford on Tue Mar 21, 2017 12:14 am

" I will rip your head off and pi$$ on your tonsils"

"I've shot better people than you"
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby 1011Iron on Tue Mar 21, 2017 6:31 am

Washed pots in a hotel kitchen on a ski resort way back. The head chef was a bit of a ****. He'd been bossing this young Irish waitress around all night.

She was getting the right hump and said, "Geez, what did your last slave die of?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Potato famine".
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby jevs on Tue Mar 21, 2017 7:15 am

1011Iron wrote:She was getting the right hump and said, "Geez, what did your last slave die of?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Potato famine".


My reply to "what did your last slave die of?" is always...

"not doing what they were told!"
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby WHU_Del on Tue Mar 21, 2017 7:42 am

Thameslink was having one of its frequent collapses, and a commuter was giving a member of staff real dog's abuse.
Another customer said 'Cut him some slack. He hasn't caused the problems, he's trying to help everyone as much as he can.'
Customer 1 launches into a rant about how terrible the service is, how much he pays for his season ticket, how useless the staff are and everything else.
When he's finished venting, customer 2 says 'Have you quite finished? Do you know what? I've not long come back from my second tour in Helmand, and to be quite honest I'd rather go back and do another one than have to deal with self-important, pompous w***ers like you.'
Customer 1 goes very red, and slinks away...
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Rocket on Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:27 am

A friend of mine was going through airport security first thing in the morning. One of the blokes working at security was a bit rude for no particular reason, to which my friend said, 'I see you've been on the customer services course'. 'Yeah, and I passed,' he replied. 'They'll pass anyone these days,' was my friend's immediate reply.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:27 am

I was working nights donkeys years ago with a mate, & we decided to nip out to the 24h Tesco's at 2am. He had a beaten up old Austin Maestro at the time with more rust than metal on it. Suddenly, the blue lights go on behind him, so he pulls over & the copper appears at the window. They had obviously vehicle checked him because when my mate gave his name, the copper said "So this is your vehicle then?"
Quick as a flash, my mate replied "No, I'm a joyrider with really bad taste"
Even the copper had to chuckle.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby cambridge hammer on Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:59 am

Shaw: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend—if you have one.

Churchill: Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second—if there is one.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby rare as rockinghorse shat on Tue Mar 21, 2017 10:25 am

hammerdivone wrote:She replied "I'll do what I want, these areas are common"

to which I replied "Yeah, and so are you"


Image
Last edited by rare as rockinghorse shat on Tue Mar 21, 2017 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Mar 21, 2017 10:26 am

Years ago, back in the 80s, I was working on the refurb of the Royal Lancaster hotel in Lancaster Gate. This day there was a tube strike so I had to get a bus (an old Routemaster) into work. On the journey a particularly mouthy northern bloke with two missing front teeth wearing a combat jacket was on the bus sat next to me. He was ranting and raving about the delay as the traffic was terrible and we’d been stuck going nowhere for a while. The Indian bus conductor came up the stairs to collect fares when this fella turns to him and says,

Northern Nutter: “Hey, what’s the ****ing hold up”
Bus Conductor (in a very heavy Indian accent) “Traffic”
Northern Nutter:“Well find another route and get this ****ing bus into town!”
Bus Conductor “I can’t, there’s too much traffic, and I’m not driving the bus”
Northern Nutter:“I’m late you fuckin’ ****, I want my money back for my fare”
Bus Conductor “You can’t, you’ve already travelled too far”
Northern Nutter: “You ****hole, you shouldn’t even be in this country”
Bus Conductor Neither should you!
Northern Nutter: “What do you mean you prick? I fought for this bloody country
Bus Conductor Really? In what war?
Northern Nutter: The Falklands
Bus Conductor (completely serious) “Is that how you lost your teeth?”

I was absolutely crying with laughter, the bus conductor’s accent making it sound even funnier. The northern nutter was incandescent with rage but almost everyone on the top deck of the bus was laughing so hard he got off at the next stop.
Last edited by Greatest Cockney Rip Off on Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Estuary on Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:35 pm

Raffle ticket girl - "Do you want to buy any raffle tickets, great prizes"
Me- "How much are they"
Raffle ticket girl - "50p each, or £5 a strip"
Me - "Here's a fiver, but keep your cloths on"
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Made In Leyton 1974 on Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:06 pm

My spurs supporting mate was with his ex-bird in the pub and she was complaining about his lack of putting her first!
She said to him in front of us all "You love spurs more than you love me!"
His response was priceless....
"I love arsenal more than I love you!"
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Cockneyboy311 on Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:16 pm

Made In Leyton 1974 wrote:My spurs supporting mate was with his ex-bird in the pub and she was complaining about his lack of putting her first!
She said to him in front of us all "You love spurs more than you love me!"
His response was priceless....
"I love arsenal more than I love you!"


:D
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby 3times on Tue Mar 21, 2017 3:35 pm

Saturday night after the rugby. Mate turns up wearing a new shirt, got a couple of compliments then someone mentioned the size, mate (who thinks he has a bit of shape) says its a medium to which another mate says 'what, in the maternity section'.

Job done get to the bar!!
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby POP POP POP Robson on Tue Mar 21, 2017 4:16 pm

Estuary wrote:Lennon again in court during the Beatles acrimonious break up - Ringo's testimony is him trying to be nice to all parties, ostensibly he is on Lennon's side and against McCartney in the dispute about who will manage them, but has said nice things about Paul "he is the best bass player int he world", Lennon is in the witness box and is asked by his own barrister if he thinks Ringo is the best drummer in the world Lennon slaughters his band mate with this- "Best drummer in the world? Ringo isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles"


The line often attributed to John Lennon - "Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles" - was actually uttered by British comedian Jasper Carrott in 1983.
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby Longneck'd Iron on Tue Mar 21, 2017 5:20 pm

A fella who works with us went through a period of having terrible breath.
On a flight to Tenerife he got that blood clot thing in his legs. After his recovery I was telling another fella at work about how he's now on Warfarin! Warfarin? was his immediate reply, he wants to try effing Listerine!!!
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Re: Best put-down / one liner you have heard

Postby DoubleDave on Tue Mar 21, 2017 11:32 pm

When my son was a kid he was having trouble with this one particular little scrote and his mates who lived down the street from us.
One day he comes in because this scrote and his mates are throwing stones at him and his mate, I went outside to tell them to piss off..
The scrote replies " I'm going to tell my dad."
I replied " Good, when you find out who he is, send him over to me you know where I live."
Even the scrotes mates laughed at him.....
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