The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

[Geordie Hammer]

Prawnie the way you are handling yourself through all this is an inspiration to a lot of people,

This!

[PrawnSandwich]

I reckon that 15k will be an issue.

Then we sell the house and divide the assets 50/50 - I come out of that better off financially and she doesn't get to live in a big 3 bed house close to her work, the nursery and our sons school.
She doesn't drive so once that happens rent is more than our mortgage and will most likely be a two bed, she has to walk further, further away from the shops, we have to divide the contents of the house.
Or I don't leave.

Worst case I can go to court and take her for divorce siting unreasonable behaviour or at worse infidelity, then this whole situation that has been kept away from her family and our wider friend group comes out in the open.
She thinks we are separated, by legal definition we are not, we are still cooking for each other, sharing chores etc.

Yes it's a dirty trick to hold over her, but it is a card I can play if she plays up.
If she has any sense then she'll take this and in some ways it leaves the door open to future reconciliation if ever things dramatically changed between the two of us.
I also have the diary of her behaviour in terms of childcare as well.

It's not the route I want to go and mediation is a platform to discuss reasonably where she won't act like a child which is why I am not discussing it outside of a recorded environment.
Maybe I don't get all £15/20k but as an opening shot it'll be better than anything she'll have put together than her next girly night out and date.

But you are right, she won't like it.

Thanks AG/GH.

[iLoveLasagne]

Coincidentally I have met a girl recently. Nothing romantic but we get on extremely well. She has been quite open about her mental health with me despite not knowing each other all that well. She has been struggling for the past 2 years to quite a serious level. I think it is easy to lose sight of what that struggle can be like and the ability to empathise and show compassion is easily lost. It is heartening to see people make progress despite the bumps in the road. It is never plain sailing but with each other we can all head in the right direction at least.

[mushy]

Prawnie,
Am not sure keeping a diary would count for much in The Family Court. I am no legal expert whatsoever and only speak from experience but they would want more than a diary as they will say (correctly in my opinion) that you could have made it all up. Certainly her representatives will push for it being inadmissible.
Same goes for recordings, mate of mine secretly recorded his ex wife dunk, violent and abusive and lying on a number of occasions. When it came to the court it was thrown out on the grounds that she never agreed to being recorded. (Didnt stop her walking across the courtroom and punching him in the face in full view of everyone).
Legal eagles on this site would be in a better position then myself to comment though.
As for your house, when I got divorced it was agreed that my ex-wife keep the family home until the youngest of our children either reaches the age of 18 or leaves full time education.
I am not sure if you are in a financial position to afford the upkeep and mortgage of the house on your own but its reasonable to expect your wife once she has gone,to pay her contribution towards the costs of raising her children, even when she is not living under the same roof.
Of course a lot of this depends on how much you are both earning and what you can and cannot afford.
All I know is that back in the day The Family court were eager to keep the status quo in terms of maintaining the family as it was then.
Proving unreasonable behaviour or adultery are not easy things to do either I am afraid.
Good luck mate.

By the way how is your mood doing with all of this going on, or does it act as a distraction?

[mushy]

Good work Mr Lasgane,
Its nice to meet someone new, even if there isnt any romance (yet?).
Its great for her as well to find someone who listens to her about her own mental health issues.

Lovely stuff.

[PrawnSandwich]

Prawnie,
Am not sure keeping a diary would count for much in The Family Court. I am no legal expert whatsoever and only speak from experience but they would want more than a diary as they will say (correctly in my opinion) that you could have made it all up. Certainly her representatives will push for it being inadmissible.

We're not going to court though, we're going to mediation first.
Neither of us can afford to go down the court route at this stage.
My friend did during his divorce and it helped ground his partner.
My wife can't lie for **** either and would be easily found on Tinder or Bumble I would imagine.

As for your house, when I got divorced it was agreed that my ex-wife keep the family home until the youngest of our children either reaches the age of 18 or leaves full time education.
I am not sure if you are in a financial position to afford the upkeep and mortgage of the house on your own but its reasonable to expect your wife once she has gone,to pay her contribution towards the costs of raising her children, even when she is not living under the same roof.

And that would be the same here. She can have the house and the furnishings - that's the carrot.
She emailed me back in February saying that if she could afford it then she would take on the mortgage repayments once I left and I would remain named on the mortgage.
I drive so frankly can live a reasonable distance from all locations.
I would take the house, but she would have to agree to leave and I have nothing to offer her financially and she has nothing of her own.

All I know is that back in the day The Family court were eager to keep the status quo in terms of maintaining the family as it was then.
Proving unreasonable behaviour or adultery are not easy things to do either I am afraid.

End of the day she wants to move on and I am in her way.
I'll sit in this house until they carry me out if necessary but I will push back.
For example I'll have my mates come round to watch a film, stay sober and not make any loud noise after the kids have gone to bed, but it would make her feel uncomfortable. There are things I can do to push back.
Insist that we share the bed schedule so it;s 50/50 and I'll go upstairs early and watch stuff in the bedroom.
But I cannot stress how much I do not want it to come to this which is why we are going to mediation to try the civil route.
If she wants a quick divorce then she would have to agree or else we separate in the legal definition so no shared chores, no shared meals, no shared shopping, no verbal communication except with the children present. Orther wise I can make her wait out the two years and if I wanted to be a dick I could make her wait two years from when we actually separate.
Under those circumstances she would crack quicker than me I guarantee you.

Good luck mate.

Thanks as always.

By the way how is your mood doing with all of this going on, or does it act as a distraction?

My mood was really low at the beginning of the week as it always is to be honest - I desperately wanted her to email me or text on Monday as I miss her despite living with her because there's a part of me that still loves her.
But it ebbs and flows and she annoys me and does something selfish and pisses me off and I bite my tongue and plan my future knowing that I'll be okay without her.
But some of that is fear of change and some of that is the art of me that is scared to be alone and start again.
But I am calm, sad but calm.

[iLoveLasagne]

PS it is sad and you are right in that the emotional ride will be quite volatile at times. The person we love is still there physically but we mourn that we have lost the true person they were. People change and it can be quite heartbreaking as they evolve into someone else entirely. Not only do we lose the true character of the person, but the bonds we share and also the hopes and dreams we had built together. Adapting to the change takes time. I think some sort of closure and resolution on this chapter is required which you are working towards. There is light at the end of the tunnel I assure you even though the tunnel may seem like it is long and troublesome right now.

Geordie, it was good to read your posts. Being proactive and challenging yourself may or may not change your situation but it will give yourself a personal boost and all these small steps will go onto help fortify you in your bid to overcome this battle. Keep going mate.

[PrawnSandwich]

I think some sort of closure and resolution on this chapter is required which you are working towards. There is light at the end of the tunnel I assure you even though the tunnel may seem like it is long and troublesome right now.

That's all I want now.
I am tired of all this now and I am looking forward to being free.

[iLoveLasagne]

Good work Mr Lasgane,
Its nice to meet someone new, even if there isnt any romance (yet?).
Its great for her as well to find someone who listens to her about her own mental health issues.

Lovely stuff.

It is an alienating experience I remember. Being able to talk is the greatest respite hence this thread and people such as yourselves is so vital.

[PrawnSandwich]

So I can pretty much confirm that my wife is definitely seeing one guy regularly and sleeping with him.
I don't know how I managed to make it out of the house without losing it this morning.

We went to see Papa Roach last night (we bought the tickets back of last year and were going with friends) and she grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd and then hugged me (massively unwanted and brushed off through one song) whilst her friends tried to take selfies of of us all (which I didn't participate in).

She's out tonight - presumably with the guy.

Digging deep today and speaking to a solicitor and my FA.
5 days to my baby girl's first birthday...

[ageing hammer]

Keep strong Prawnie there is bound to be tough times in this, bumps along the road so to speak.

Play the long game, you are smart and will come out of this better than she ever will mate.

[PrawnSandwich]

Got a solicitors appointment Wednesday morning to discuss finances, entitlements, and other general family stuff.
Just waiting for my FA to ring me back.

I'm calm now.
Got my cold and logical head back on.

Hard to turn off your feelings though man.
So ****ing hard.

[S-H]

Hard to turn off your feelings though man.
So ****ing hard.

Huge respect Prawny,

Keep doing what you're doing.

Power to you, big man.

[iLoveLasagne]

We are all rooting for you PS. It will be rocky and volatile emotionally. I hope the solicitors meeting gives you some positive news.

[PrawnSandwich]

Well I have spoken to my FA and to be honest we have to sell the house.
I have drawn up financial plans this morning and am going to get it all confirmed with my free legal consultation on Wednesday and try and avoid instructing as that will get messy and expensive.
Also running it past my uncle who is an accountant and my aunty who is a head teacher and has to deal with children whose parents have separated and her own daughter who was in an abusive relationship and has spent four years getting her and the kids free of the prick.
I have this week to get as much together as possible and then on the 29th of April after our holiday I bring the hammer down and she won't see it coming.

Then I'll buckle up for the rough ride that follows.

[Turns to Stone]

Prawnie, I don't know you mate, and I have no idea if this will mean anything at all to you, but honestly the way you are handling this is an absolute credit to yourself.

I have a son at home not much older than your little girl and all I can say is that what this shows is that she has a father that she can absolutely rely on to be calm, be intelligent, be honest, to show integrity and to do the right thing whenever needed..regardless how hard the circumstances.

I'm pretty level-headed about most things, but I know that what you're dealing with drive me to the absolute edge, so to just reiterate what others have said on here, keep going. Keep writing everything down and keep picking yourself up.

I would never dream of giving you advice because you are absolutely nailing an impossible situation, but in the words of Obi Wan Kenobi;-

"It's over, Anakin! I have the high ground!"

[PrawnSandwich]

Thanks man, it does count and I took a battering on a separated dads forum for not going mad, but in all honesty I have no interest in destroying a parental relationship that has to last another 17 years (and life really). We may even get to be friends again one day and for the sake of the children I want to maintain my integrity and give her no quarter in any disputes.

I’m churned inside and these three months have been hell but I’m off the weed, I have the occasional drink but am very controlled with it, exercising, meditating, doing Thai Chi, eating healthy and keeping busy.
I’ve lost two stone since I first posted and am in the healthy range for BMI, blood pressure and heart good too surprisingly.

The day I get free of this and the tightness in my chest disappears will be a blessed relief and I look forward to a fitful nights sleep.

I’ve made my mistakes I admit.
The causes of why I posted initially were exaggerated and a veiled excuse for what she has justified to herself.
I have just about finished with grief counselling and I am looking forward to CBT on Thursday morning.
I’m rebuilding myself, for myself and for my children.

The support from all on here has been a massive part of keeping me afloat.

[Samba]

You are an inspiration PS, you really are. I can't see how you could be 'playing' this, any better.

[Geordie Hammer]

Top man PS! Hope this week goes well! The CBT will hopefully give you something to work on and help chip away some of the stuff whirling around in your head! I really do not know how you’re keeping your head with this! Huge respect

[Tenbury]

You're a f**king inspiration Prawnie, feels like I've been swimming in s**t the last two days, and to hear someone facing up to life's cruelties helps a lot. Good Luck to you.