The Mental Health Thread - (Help Contacts in First Post).

[The Old Man of Storr]

Tenbury , my old mate - forgive me , I didn't see the bit about self-harming when I replied to your post about breaking down after meeting up with your friend - I feel a bit silly now .

I know you're an intelligent guy so please do not view this as being patronising in any shape or form - cutting your arm or head butting a wall could result in a case of sepsis and you really do not want to go down that road .

Self harming comes in many guises - I drank far more than was good for me , that is one form of self harm - I did go to see my Doctor about it but he only dealt with me stopping drinking not the cause behind me drinking but even id he'd known the cause he wouldn't have been able to help me , he gave me some tablets and they did work up to a point but ultimately it was up to me and e alone to stop drinking completely , it's been 10 or 11 years now since I touched a drop of alcohol .

If you don't want to see a Doctor there re many folk on here you can talk to if you think it would help , me included - only a pm away , mate .


p.s. I think you're one of the better people on here , a lovely lovely man , you certainly don't have to suffer alone .

[Turns to Stone]

Tenbury,

I've nothing really to add to what people have said other than don't ever be ashamed of what you're doing and who you are. By all means try and change it, ABSOLUTELY try and change it, but don't hide from it. My Dad struggled with mental health problems all his life, he wasn't paying the mortgage at one point and he hid it all from us, I didn't even find out until he was in his 70's...by that time I was in my 30's and he had already passed that on to me. The idea that I should keep going, hold everything together for everyone else and not let anyone see me struggling.

The best thing about this thread is the realisation that we're all struggling. Some with important stuff, some less so, but it's all all-consuming for the person dealing with it. Don't be afraid to let your kids see that life is hard and that Dad isn't perfect and that no-one should be able to hold it together all the time.

And as many more of said, keep posting and get some help. And hang in there, mate.

[mushy]

The best thing about this thread is the realisation that we're all struggling. Some with important stuff, some less so, but it's all all-consuming for the person dealing with it. Don't be afraid to let your kids see that life is hard and that Dad isn't perfect and that no-one should be able to hold it together all the time.

And as many more of said, keep posting and get some help. And hang in there, mate.

All of this.

[Tenbury]

Thank you all.

[WestHamByTheSea]

Had my first CBT session today - went really, really well. I really connected with the chap doing it, and to be honest since I really started looking for 'emergency' help, basically everyone I've dealt with (him, my GP, the Universal Credit people) have all been fantastic. I suppose it is a lottery to some degree with this but as I say, all of them have been great.

For the first time in years I actually feel like I'm getting some place - I just wish I had done CBT about 25 years ago (not sure if it existed then, mind!) - but that's what these illnesses do to you; they stop you taking logical steps to progression. Anyway, I do feel like I'm on the right path now, and I'm feeling vastly more positive, cohesive and optimistic than I have done in years. I'm not getting too elated cos i know from repeated experience that a high is often accompanied by a crashing low, and is an endemic part of Bipolar 2, let alone depression et al; it's impossible to completely conquer that because basically my brain doesn't work properly - but the meds have really helped even in that respect.


In one sense I feel a little uncomfortable posting this in the sense that I don't want to flaunt my relative 'happiness' right now whilst so many of you are experiencing the bad times that have invariably plagued me. On the other hand, Felt a bit silly saying that even as I typed it, because I always love seeing any positive step anybody makes on here. But just wanted to say it anyway. Anyhow, the main reason I posted (aside from admittedly feeling good about today and of late) is to emphasise to any of you who are feeling any sort of hopelessness about either the way you are now or indeed whether to bother trying to get whatever help there is out there - go ask for help. It's there and you have nothing to lose by trying anything available - even if you might have convinced yourself that various treatments 'aren't for you' (like me with therapy until now). I know that none of us are exactly the same and what works for one may well not work for another, but please, be open and willing to accept whatever help is out there - there's much more than you might realise.


To re-emphasise my last paragraph - as recently as 3 or 4 months ago, there wouldn't have been a hope in hell that I would either have written it or even taken notice of someone else writing it.


And again - anybody can PM me; won't have all the answers but at the very, very least, I will listen.

[bristolhammerfc]

I think it's always good to show that there can be light at the end of the tunnel even if it is only a small light.

I am a huge rugby fan and as a macho sport, it's very rare to get players talking about issues. I found this article that some might find interesting.

http://rugbylad.ie/johnny-wilkinson-ope ... interview/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Clacton-ammer]

Good for you WHBTS

I think people need to see posts like yours, gives everyone hope that reaching out has benefits, you said yourself there will be bumps in the road, but positive posts about help is massively important to read for people suffering, it may give them the confidence/hope to do the same

[The Old Man of Storr]

In one sense I feel a little uncomfortable posting this in the sense that I don't want to flaunt my relative 'happiness' right now whilst so many of you are experiencing the bad times that have invariably plagued me. On the other hand, Felt a bit silly saying that even as I typed it, because I always love seeing any positive step anybody makes on here. But just wanted to say it anyway. Anyhow, the main reason I posted (aside from admittedly feeling good about today and of late) is to emphasise to any of you who are feeling any sort of hopelessness about either the way you are now or indeed whether to bother trying to get whatever help there is out there - go ask for help. It's there and you have nothing to lose by trying anything available - even if you might have convinced yourself that various treatments 'aren't for you'


To re-emphasise my last paragraph - as recently as 3 or 4 months ago, there wouldn't have been a hope in hell that I would either have written it or even taken notice of someone else writing it.


And again - anybody can PM me; won't have all the answers but at the very, very least, I will listen.

I think this is the whole point of this thread , WHBTS - People who are in a dark place will read your post and think ' There is hope for me ' - Reading post after post about people's various problems can be quite daunting at times and without meaning to sound cruel , repetitive - but when we see such a positive post as yours we are all given hope .

The positive posts are just as important as the cries for help - if there were none there'd be no point in posting , people want to hear positive stories - Well done and congratulations .

[PrawnSandwich]

that's what these illnesses do to you; they stop you taking logical steps to progression.

This is an important thing for everyone to remember - myself too - and something the course goes into.
Depression and anxiety creates avoidance behaviour patterns that actually trap and isolate you, deepening the misery that you are in .

Your mind (and my mind has become incredibly skilled in the tricks it has pulled to convince me of this) tells you you are better off not going out, not doing that task, not wanting to fail, not taking that risk, stopping that activity.
Which drag you into a spiraling circle of misery.

One of the keys to CBT is to interrupt that behaviour and take yourself out of your comfort zone.

I have been saying to myself for two and a half years, when my boy is older, when this milestone happens, when I feel better, in the New Year, after my birthday I'll change...

The biggest thing my wife wanting to separate has done is shocked my to the core and caused a huge behavioural reset.
Don't get me wrong the depression and anxiety are hugely prevalent but now I have to change because I have had to take a long hard look at myself, whether it is therapy, whether I get the CBT help, stopping drinking and vaping, doing exercise and recently started seeking out opportunities to leave the house and try new things.
All of which are hugely daunting but at the same time quietening that voice that say 'you can't do that because...'

I kept a gratitude journal for 25 days straight (minimum recommended 21 days) where every day you write down three things, different each day, that you are grateful for.
The help to change the mindset is amazing.

[mushy]

Westhambythesea and Prawnie.
Both those posts are incredibly brave and insightful, I doubt if there is anyone on this forum that hasnt learned something about mental health in individuals and how the treatment works.
Any success is an inspiration so please anyone that gets anything positive from treatment dont feel bad about posting it.
Am pretty sure basic human nature means we like good news (no matter how big or small).

Todays posts have cheered me up tremendously this morning.

Thanks guys.

[ageing hammer]

Prawnie just on this bit :
All of which are hugely daunting but at the same time quietening that voice that say 'you can't do that because...

I don't know if these are of any use but I found both of these worth watching

( if you can get over her American droll in the first one ).


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[OFT]

Reading some of the most recent posts particularly the opening 2 paragraphs of Prawnies has 'inspired' this.
Back on the old thread'Can You Be Depressed and Not Know It?' I wrote how many years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression after feeling increasingly ill over a period of time. The 'symptoms' I was suffering included severe abdomnal pain and discomfort, nausea , breathlessness etc.etc. Following various tests and scans and cameras etc. I was told I was depressed and prescribed Fluoxetine. This worked really well . Some years later it happened again and this time the medication was effective but much slower to take effect. I finally stopped taking them around 18 months ago.
I'm an OAP now(just!) and I've been thinking about 'things' and I've come to realise that I've probably had depression for most of my adult life. I've never been comfortable in social situations( perhaps shamefully,family included!) and for years have avoided them where at all possible.At it's worse I would get to where we were going and simply not feel able to go in and go back home. During the last bout,around seven years ago, I stopped drinking alcohol , I was drinking far too much, (I can still have a glass of wine or a beer with a meal when on holiday, but gave up at all other times) but as the drink went so did my confidence. I haven't been to a football match since. We go to perhaps one music gig a year when once it was a regular thing, I just don't want to go out.
I go on holiday or out with the wife , not because I want to but because I should.(she is very patient and understanding, I'm so lucky) I don't really have any mates now and if i'm honest, it suits me not to have to make excuses to not go out. There's a couple of good lads I do keep in touch with , one of whom is a fellow 'sufferer' who took to calling in to see me every day at work because he was concerned where it might end up, so to speak(I do and have worked on my own for many years). The other one said to me many years ago;- "You don't seem to know how to enjoy yourself' and although it didn't register with me at the time, he was clearly right. I don't know what to say to people when I meet them or what to do at 'functions', hence my avoidance of them.
Thinking about 'my life', I don't think I'm a bad person, I don't think I've been a bad Son, Husband, Dad and Grandad but equally I've not been the best I could have been. I have avoided too many 'normal' situations for my own comfort if you like. Pathetically, this is now playing on my mind.
Currently I have no interest in anything, sleep is my favourite thing, procrastination my speciality, and my confidence shot to the point where even posting on the internet seems beyond me. This ramble has taken me a good while to get done.

[ageing hammer]

Well done OFT for revealing all that, I can relate to a good bit of it and find socializing very awkward and uncomfortable while other people seem to have no bother doing it.

It doesn't make you bad just a bit shy that's all.

Counselling can be good for it if you haven't already tried it.

Confidence is the key and some people have buckets of it while us mortals don't

[The Old Man of Storr]

For what it's worth , OFT , I've always enjoyed your posts - that took some courage , mate , to bare your soul like that .

[WHU Independent]

Yeah it's funny how depression can hit you as OFT says above, in his excellent post. I'm currently under a huge amount of pressure (which I won't bore you with), and thought I was coping really well. I was really proud of myself for coping. Then I realise that I am making lots of little basic mistakes in my life that I hardly ever do usually .i.e.

I booked up a holiday date wrong and didn't realise it.

I went to the airport a day early.

I text the wrong person by mistake for a few texts and didn't realise what I had done till they told me.

I sent emails to the wrong people.

Go shopping and buying everything except what I went shopping for.

Being fixed on a place I was going to get my Euros, which was a bout 2 miles away, when in fact a mate told me that there was a place across the road (that I knew of) that did them.

Leaving stuff in the car that needs taking indoors.

When I sat and thought about it, because my mind is not on the ball. I'm constantly thinking about things and
not concentrating. and it's bringing me down.

Actually I will tell you about one of the things that is causing me a lot of concern as I have to get this off my chest. I visited my best mate who is very slowly dying in a hospice and in a massive amount of pain. He looks like a Belsen victim and every movement is constant intense agony, He has water retention, persistent itching all over his body, double vision and can hardly walk. The left side of his body is very weak - he hasn't had a stroke - and he's losing a couple of pound of weight almost daily. He can't hardly eat and he hates being like this. Basically he can't do hardly anything at all apart from sleep and ****.

Last night he asked me to smother him with a pillow.

I won't post the answer I gave - the law and all that - but we had a chat about it and he said that he couldn't die knowing that I would probably get in trouble if I agreed. And we left it at that.

I find myself constantly thinking about it. Hence my lack of focus and dark moods.

In addition, I am off abroad tomorrow for 4 days as of late PM and he'll possibly die when I am away. I can't get out of going away, it's been planned for a year. The thought of him dying without me being on hand is devastating.

[Samba]

I was thinking about starting up a club for all of us who don't like social situations.
Trouble is, no one would turn up..
Interesting post, OFT. I think a lot of the things that trouble us as adults, go back to our childhoods.
Can't help thinking that you're being very hard on yourself, though. Which is of course, probably down to a bit of depression, making you feel that way, so I am not having a go at you, in any way.
What you have always 'suffered' & how that has affected your life, isn't pathetic (but yes, that is how we all also feel about ourselves, at times). You still managed to be a Son, Husband, Dad and Grandad & I would bet that you HAVE been the best that you could have been, in the circumstances.
It's so easy (& very natural) years later, to look back & think 'why couldn't I have done better, with this thing or that thing', but the memory of that now, is without all of the difficult feelings that we had at the time.
We are all much more complex & complicated, than we allow to think ourselves are.
I don't think 'society' has ever helped, either.

[Samba]

Wow WHUI, no wonder you went a day early.
I hate it when my brain's like that. If it was a computer, it's like you haven't got enough RAM!
Your processor's locked up on 100% usage on something that you don't want it to be.
I hope you can enjoy your 4 days.
Hopefully, your friend will still be around when you get back but, his time will be his time.

[PrawnSandwich]

Some very hard reading in the last few posts so well done for speaking about them.
Depression also attacks the memory.

I have, been my friends reckoning, got an amazing memory and they rely on me to tell their stories and remember the important things.
For the past year my wife and I have argued over the recall of things that have happened.
My defence has been I must be right because I have a great memory.
Her argument is that my memory isn’t as good as everyone believes.
Going over a lot of things and checking with other people as well and this has been a clear and destructive sign.
Coupled with drinking too much and vaping weed my recall on even minor things has been blown to pieces.

[PrawnSandwich]

And my daughter is now in hospital in HDU on oxygen and a feeding tube.
2019 is the gift that keeps on giving.
Staying calm and positive though.

[Turns to Stone]

OFT, it seems like you've really come to terms with a few things recently and that's always a positive thing.

I appreciate you don't really feel like doing anything at the moment, but you should really look into CBT. It's about setting small goals and figuring out a way to achieve them. If you do have any regrets about how you've lived your life, it might help you re-focus on them and perhaps make some really, really small changes that just look at how you view your achievements.

Often, shyness and the struggle to go out can be as much in our perception as opposed to our reality.

This is a stupid story but one that has always helped me, when I was having CBT therapy, I said to my therapist that I once lived in a place where they had opened a new skate park, and I really wanted to be able to take my son there when he was old enough, but that I didn't want to learn a new skill at the age of 31 (as I was at the time) because I was 'too old' to be rubbish at something. My therapist said that basically, that decision means that at 31 I had decided to old to try anything new ever again. And that that fear was going to hold me back. We set some really small goals about doing stuff that I didn't feel comfortable doing (not going skating in front of a load of 15 year-old skaters I hasten to add, but I started to try stuff a little bit more. It tried to learn the piano, I actually started learning to drive (something that I hadn't done at 17 and then had always been embarrassed to learn (by the way, I still haven't got my licence but it's on the list!!) and I tried to do tiny little things that scared me a bit.

Depression stops all of these things, and I'm not saying that you should just chuck yourself on a cruise and go mingle, but talking to someone professional about how you feel, and what you want your life to look like is a good start. We are all, to a degree, frozen by fear. And the second we take that fear on, we lose it's power. It's like a secret that you have inside you. A terrible secret that you can't share, but when you do share it, you immediately feel a wait lifted. I lived in fear for such a long time (and I still do), but I've kicked some of those fears in the face. From tiny little things to not wanting to take my little boy swimming because I'm a bit fat and hairy to big stuff like applying for a new job or telling my parents some home truths. I'm still wracked by fear, but I really try hard to not let it define me or dictate my life. And I owe quite a lot of that to some CBT therapy I had and to my wife for not letting me make excuses.

I'm sure that this might all seem incredibly pie-in-the-sky right now, but as some have said on this thread already, if you'd told me 7 years ago that I would have taken my son swimming every week, or had some driving lessons, or told my Mum that she was a bit of a nightmare when I was growing up I would have had a panic attack and gone back to bed.

We're surrounded by dickheads who tell us 'life is to be lived' and 'you only live once' and all this other inane b*llocks designed to make us buy holidays and cars we can't afford, but deep down, if you're struggling, it's never too late to try and make some changes. However small. And to make yourself proud. This is why I love this thread. It's about honesty and about vulnerability. And vulnerability is not weakness, it's courage.