The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby somerset-hammer on Wed Sep 06, 2017 2:28 pm

During my apprenticeship I didn't bother going into college because I wanted to stay home and get high.

The college called my workplace to see where I was, so my boss drove out to my house to investigate..

He took one look at my eyes and said,

"****! you look rough, just checking to see if you were okay, don't come back until you are better"

Then he left.

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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby jastons on Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:16 pm

A guy in my work told his boss that he couldn't come into work that particular day because he had been stabbed, but he would be fine to come in the day after. Another older guy said he was caring for his sick Mother after previously telling people she had died.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby RichieRiv on Wed Sep 06, 2017 9:04 pm

Probably not the worst, but my team went out drinking last Thursday. I got an email from one of them the next day saying he wasn't hung over but had a migraine. I responded by saying he was likely to be the only one not to have a hangover judging by the ashen faces and the number of trips to the bog the rest were making.

Problem is, there is nothing you can do. ****ing self certification. Piss taking little runt.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby sendô on Thu Sep 07, 2017 2:16 pm

I had one guy not long ago simply not turning on a Thursday after going out drinking on the Wednesday night. When he came in Friday, it turned out he'd been in a brass house all night, and had spunked a couple of grand....

I let him off that one.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby essexguy on Thu Sep 07, 2017 2:43 pm

It wasn't exactly a sickie but the worst excuse for me by far was telling me they were "working from home" because their partner had the flu and needed to help look after them. This other person that was sick was back to work within 2 days so they can't have been that sick.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby DasNutNock on Thu Sep 07, 2017 2:54 pm

Many years ago, a bloke in our team sent us all a photo of the "treacherous" weather conditions outside his house that prevented him coming to work that day. There was no more than 2mm of barely-settled snow on the ground and we all knew full well that his gaff was, at most, 250m from the station that took him directly to the station by the office.

In itself, a feeble excuse, but it was severely exacerbated by the fact that the day before, he'd been excitedly telling us about the bloke he was due to meet that evening for a night of vigorous bumming.

Several weeks later, he informed us that he'd contracted syphilis from the aforementioned gentleman, which was nice to hear.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby vietnammer on Thu Sep 07, 2017 3:04 pm

Memorable e-mails from foreign students:

"I have just got off the toilet and due to the abominable chicken wings of Tesco I have very bad ****"

"I have dysmenorrhea and I bleed so much I cannot attend today"


I mean they're acceptable reasons but why so graphic?

Worst 'performance' was from a lady teacher last year who took 2 weeks off because her kittens died of cat flu, then after coming back for one day broke down in tears saying she just couldn't handle it anymore. Cue hugs and sympathetic tears from all the other female staff members. I bit back the knowledge that she already had another job fixed up in Italy so probably just wanted some time off before going. She could have just said that, it wouldn't have been any big deal cos she was a temp. Muggins had to cop all her evening hours at no extra pay.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby Monkeybubbles on Thu Sep 07, 2017 4:54 pm

"My girlfriend has a heroin habit, and I found a huge bag of stuff in her wardrobe last week and I flushed it down the toilet, and this morning some guys knocked at my door and demanded their drugs back and when I said they didn't have them they put me in their car and now they've taken me on a boat somewhere off the pier. Erm, yes, they did let me keep my phone. No I haven't called the police, I thought I should call you first....."
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby smuts on Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:03 pm

I had to phone in sick once because I had a gnat bite.

To be fair my leg was about twice it's normal size.....
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby Robbie on Thu Sep 07, 2017 7:14 pm

chelmsfordhammer91 wrote:I had a chat with our HR today about this and I asked them what the worst excuse they have ever heard was...

Not really sickness but they had someone in another building repeatedly turning up late for work. It went to a disciplinary (so imagine a note taker having to write this down as part of a formal document...), where the employee's excuse was that they had set their alarm at the correct time each evening, but their house had a ghost which kept turning the alarm off during the night.

I would say you can't even make this stuff up, but someone obviously had!

That is simply brilliant!!! :thup:
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby hammerdivone on Thu Sep 07, 2017 7:38 pm

smuts wrote:I had to phone in sick once because I had a gnat bite.

To be fair my leg was about twice it's normal size.....


I got bitten by a horsefly on the back of my knee, which swelled up so much I couldn't bend my leg and therefore couldn't drive, that went down well when I phoned in!
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby pablo jaye on Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:25 pm

- someone being off work because wearing PPE (personal protection equipment) made them go sick with stress/anxiety
- someone being off work in the winter becasue it was icy, and they only had slippy soled shoes and therefore couldn't walk in
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby LincolnshireHammer on Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:26 pm

RichieRiv wrote:Probably not the worst, but my team went out drinking last Thursday. I got an email from one of them the next day saying he wasn't hung over but had a migraine. I responded by saying he was likely to be the only one not to have a hangover judging by the ashen faces and the number of trips to the bog the rest were making.

Problem is, there is nothing you can do. ****ing self certification. Piss taking little runt.

I went drinking with my old boss and a few colleagues last year. Got to stage where none of us could see, let alone get home safely.

Had work the next day, was a Thursday night IIRC. Boss made it clear that he expected to see all of us bright and early in the morning, no excuses and that he would see us all in the morning.

So there we all were at 9am sharp wondering where the hell the boss was. It gets to 9.20am and still nothing. He then cheekily sends an email letting us know he would be working from home...

Cretin.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby DasNutNock on Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:46 pm

LincolnshireHammer wrote:I went drinking with my old boss and a few colleagues last year. Got to stage where none of us could see, let alone get home safely.

Had work the next day, was a Thursday night IIRC. Boss made it clear that he expected to see all of us bright and early in the morning, no excuses and that he would see us all in the morning.

So there we all were at 9am sharp wondering where the hell the boss was. It gets to 9.20am and still nothing. He then cheekily sends an email letting us know he would be working from home...

Cretin.


On the contrary, that is a superb bit of management.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby LincolnshireHammer on Fri Sep 08, 2017 5:04 pm

You think, Dan?! :D
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby White Goodman on Fri Sep 08, 2017 5:13 pm

Seems harsh on my part but some of the staff in my office after the 7/7 attack absolutely milked the **** out of it.

I could almost understand if you were on one of the trains but if you don't even get the ****ing train or bus in because you cycle the 8 miles from your flat then you are a bit of a helmet.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby Hammer.CA on Fri Sep 08, 2017 5:19 pm

I had a guy working under me at a company years ago. The firm organised a sales course down in Oxford starting on the following Monday. The other guy in my team grassed his mate up to say he knew he wouldn't be turning up to go. Sure enough about 6 am on the day I get a phone call at home from the guys girlfriend "oh Richard is really ill, we went to a restaurant last night and he had the fish and he's been up all night so he can't make the course" I just said ok and left it a that.
On the Friday when we're back in my boss asks me how it went and how were the 2 salesman liked it. So I told him I knew that the other guy was going to cry off. The sales director from London was with him and Richard was upstairs in my office so they said I needed to find out why he went awol. I send the other guy out and ask Richard why he didn't show, he starts coming out with the same story, so I said you can either talk sensible or take me for a mug. Big sigh "well I have to report to the cop shop every Monday evening and I'm in big trouble if I don't turn up".I said fair enough but he should have told me as I could have brought him back and taken him back down on the Tuesday as I had to go back to Leicester, he was a decent enough bloke, better than his colleague for sure.
Anyway I go back downstairs and tell the 2 bosses "Why does he have to report to the police?" I said I don't know, it's not my business to ask. They wanted to know so back again and ask him what he's done "I'm on bail" "for what, they want to know" "Oh for murder"!!!! Told me the tale cos I didn't think accused murderers generally got bail but I knew something about the story as it had happened in a village I used to live in, he was the driver in a robbery that went Pete Tong and he was being set up to take the fall. Told my bosses "WHAT??" Both nearly having heart attacks "right he's fired" I said you're supposed to innocent until proven guilty, the charges must be iffy if he's out on bail. "no we're firing him because he never went on the course, ffs.
Told him and he was good as gold and then a mate of mine who was a copper told me some time later as he knew all about it and had lived in the village as well, he was set up, he was the driver but he was dropped in it, the guy who was killed was gagged and choked on his own vomit.
Richard got 6 1/2 years for manslaughter.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby smuts on Fri Sep 08, 2017 8:16 pm

We all went out once and got smashed. Boss came in about 10am the next day and proceeded to projectile vomit over the staff kitchen. All up the walls, in the toaster :lol:
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby RichieRiv on Fri Sep 08, 2017 9:56 pm

LincolnshireHammer wrote:He then cheekily sends an email letting us know he would be working from home...


Far from cheeky and certainly not cretinous. There's a valuable lesson to be learnt here. He's your superior, he can do what he wants, when he wants. You as a subordinate have not earned the right to question his actions. This should act as an inspiration to earn your stripes.

White Goodman wrote:Seems harsh on my part but some of the staff in my office after the 7/7 attack absolutely milked the **** out of it.


Not at all. Sky News tried to interview me at Fenchurch St - going with the "aren't you scared" line. I told them to **** themselves. The office was empty, but the commute was a dream and it was easy to get a beer that night.
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Re: The worst excuse you have heard for someone pulling a sickie

Postby DasNutNock on Sat Sep 09, 2017 8:31 am

LincolnshireHammer wrote:You think, Dan?!


Yup, Richie's summary is spot on. At best, you all learned an important lesson - his game, his rules. At worst, he properly mugged you all off :)
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