Joke

A selection of the very best posts and/or most memorable threads on KUMB since the current Forum launched in 2002.

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It's in the blood
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Re: Joke

Post by It's in the blood »

A young, female, blonde primary school teacher is out in the playground at lunch one day, and notices a small boy standing on his own, while the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and goes to speak to him.

"You ok?" she asks.
"Yes" comes the reply.
"Have they left you out?" she enquires?.
"No".
"You can play with the other kids you know?"
"It's best I stay here"
"Why?" asks the teacher...
"cause I'm the ****ing goalie..."
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*dicanio*
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Re: Joke

Post by *dicanio* »

Here's my offering to this magic thread:

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances
up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she
is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes
over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a
conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's
going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your role
at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular
myths about male sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the most
well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are
the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she
says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your
name!".
"Tonto," the man says; "Tonto Papadopoulos."
Dynan1

Re: Joke

Post by Dynan1 »

Whats the first sign of madness?



Suggs walking up your driveway.
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alexbox
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Re: Joke

Post by alexbox »

Two boys are playing catch in a park in East London when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog’s neck and saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. “West Ham Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not a West Ham fan,” the little hero replied.

“Oh, I assumed everyone in East London was, What team do you support?” the reporter asked.

“Spurs,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little C*nt From North London Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
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Denali
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Re: Joke

Post by Denali »

Why aren't there any jokes about Jim Jones and Jonestown?








The Punch line is too long. 8-)
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carnage
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Re: Joke

Post by carnage »

Madeleine McCann abductor found.

Image

Image
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Jamey
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Re: Joke

Post by Jamey »

Having seen too much of that dumbass Bianchi and his goofy little headband this last week reminded me of this one:

Q:Where do hippies have sex and how is it?

A: In tents, man, in tents!
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BillUp
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Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

Wife is in Labour, shouting the usual ****, "get this out of me!" "Give me the drugs!" She turns to her husband and says "you did this to me do something!" He replies casually "If you remember I wanted to stick it up your arse so it's your own fault!"
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BillUp
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Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

England are to change their shirts. The three Lions will be replaced with three Tampons to represent the worst ****ing period they've ever had!!
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BillUp
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Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

Met a Blind Man at the Cashpiont today, he asked me to check his balance, so I pushed the ****er over!!
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BillUp
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Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

Cop on Horse says to little girl on bike, "did Santa get you that?" "Yep" replied the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year" and fined her £5.The little girl looked up at the cop and said "nice Horse you got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies "he sure did", "well" said the little girl "next year tell Santa the ****ing dick goes under the Horse and not on top ya ****!"
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hammerfromtheeast
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Re: Joke

Post by hammerfromtheeast »

An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.


:oops:
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Up the Junction
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Re: Joke

Post by Up the Junction »

paulo79 wrote:Oh grow up the lot of you. So it's ok for people to put jokes about Holly and Jessica, which actually happened and jokes along those lines and all the racist jokes, which are far sicker than mine and no-one bats an eyelid.
Believe it or not, jokes about shooting black people tend to come under the umbrella of racist jokes too.

I'm not sure when this thread turned into a bad Bernard Manning gig but by way of a polite reminder; just as elsewhere on this forum, racism will not be tolerated and anyone who flouts this rule will find themselves banned - like our friend above (and one or two others).
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BillUp
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Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

Good morning all.......

Mr Smith phones surgery for his wife's test results. Receptionist says "sorry, we have two sets of results for Mrs Smith and they have gotten mixed up, one has Alzheimer's and the other has AIDS!" Man says "oh dear what should I do?" The receptionist says "drop her off in town and if she finds here way back DONT SHAG HER!!!"
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staggo
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Re: Joke

Post by staggo »

young lad staying at his aunts want to go to the spurs arsenal match

He said "Dad, do you mind if I go to the match?". I said "No, you'll get home too late". He said "Come on, dad, Matthew's asked me. His dad's got tickets and he'll drive us back afterwards". I said "Well what time will you get home?". He said "The match starts at 8, so I'll be back before 10". I went "Right, you can, but no later than 10 okay. I'll be ringing your aunt later to check". I did ring later and it turns out he got back for quarter past 9. Some teenagers are so well behaved these days.
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Welling
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Re: Joke

Post by Welling »

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to improve his public image. After his talk he agrees to answer questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name. " Stanley ," responds the little boy." And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes in 2000? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for break. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Little Johnnie" he responds. "And what is your question Little Johnnie?"

"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the f**k has happened to Stanley?"
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BillUp
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Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

Well looks like I am going to have to tame my jokes down a bit so here goes....

Two Cows in a field, one of them goes "Mooooooooo" the other one said "I was gonna say that"

Drum Roll... :wink:
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alexbox
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Re: Joke

Post by alexbox »

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

:wink:
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alexbox
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Re: Joke

Post by alexbox »

Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

:wink:
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alexbox
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Re: Joke

Post by alexbox »

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

:wink:
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