Joke

A selection of the very best posts and/or most memorable threads on KUMB since the current Forum launched in 2002.

Moderator: Gnome

Post Reply
User avatar
X-Hammer-X
Posts: 230
Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 9:51 pm
Location: Essex http://www.youtube.com/group/whu
Contact:

Re: Joke

Post by X-Hammer-X »

I went up to a tramp the other day, i said
Knock knock?
he said:
whos there?
I said;
I thought you was homeless

:lol:
User avatar
X-Hammer-X
Posts: 230
Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 9:51 pm
Location: Essex http://www.youtube.com/group/whu
Contact:

Re: Joke

Post by X-Hammer-X »

What do you do if your out shopping and you see a space man?

Park in it. :)
User avatar
X-Hammer-X
Posts: 230
Joined: Thu Sep 28, 2006 9:51 pm
Location: Essex http://www.youtube.com/group/whu
Contact:

Re: Joke

Post by X-Hammer-X »

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"

With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"
User avatar
*dicanio*
Posts: 765
Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2007 5:29 pm
Has liked: 117 likes
Total likes: 14 likes

Re: Joke

Post by *dicanio* »

Park in it
Park in it MAN, as in spaceMAN

Otherwise a good joke :thup:

Oh Jesus now I'm correcting jokes Headbanger
User avatar
Parksy
Posts: 183
Joined: Sun Mar 26, 2006 6:23 pm
Has liked: 1 like
Total likes: 1 like

Re: Joke

Post by Parksy »

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and
says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and
I get £43 back from Bupa!
User avatar
Parksy
Posts: 183
Joined: Sun Mar 26, 2006 6:23 pm
Has liked: 1 like
Total likes: 1 like

Re: Joke

Post by Parksy »

Did you hear about the blind man that performs circumcision
He Got The Sack
User avatar
alexbox
Posts: 318
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:44 pm
Location: Essex

Re: Joke

Post by alexbox »

This illustrates how we have become totally dependent on our computers…

Are you male or female?

To know the answer, look down!!!












Not here, Stupid
User avatar
alexbox
Posts: 318
Joined: Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:44 pm
Location: Essex

Re: Joke

Post by alexbox »

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Hunting flies.”

“Oh. Killing any,” she asked.

“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
User avatar
Hammer110
Posts: 2537
Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2006 11:56 pm
Location: Dreaming 父 父

Re: Joke

Post by Hammer110 »

I was depressed last night so I called The Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal...........














.............They said can you drive a truck.
User avatar
hammerfromtheeast
Posts: 37
Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2007 5:59 am

Re: Joke

Post by hammerfromtheeast »

http://album.apropo.ro/index.php?tree=1 ... 047&page=2" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

:lol: nothing much happens afterwards :P
User avatar
JLCABA
Posts: 2913
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2006 9:03 pm
Location: Ooop Norf
Has liked: 202 likes
Total likes: 160 likes

Re: Joke

Post by JLCABA »

A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, as he reaches for them, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag, again, he hears, "Jesus is watching you." This time, he sees a parrot.


"Who are you?" the burglar asks.


"Moses," the bird replied.


"Who the heck would name a bird Moses?" the man laughed.


"I dunno," Moses answered," I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
User avatar
Welling
Posts: 5446
Joined: Wed Jan 22, 2003 11:13 am
Location: Living in the past, dying in the future.
Contact:

Re: Joke

Post by Welling »

Police in Scotland have arrested to two tramps, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off!

Old I know, but I like it :lol:
User avatar
paul.nicholas1990
Posts: 1238
Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:07 pm

Re: Joke

Post by paul.nicholas1990 »

A man walks into a bar





OUCH!! :lol:
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: Joke

Post by ageing hammer »

[quote="paul.nicholas1990"]A man walks into a bar
OUCH!! :lol:[/quote

A bean pole walks into a bar in Liverpool.




Cr...ouch ! :P
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: Joke

Post by ageing hammer »

A bean pole walks into a bar in Liverpool.




Cr...ouch ! :P[/quote][/quote]
hahahahahahaha quality mate[/quote]

Cheers Screech, remember where you heard it first :thup:
User avatar
BillUp
Posts: 1230
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:35 pm
Location: If God wanted us to play football in the clouds, he would have put grass there. Brian Clough.
Has liked: 1 like

Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

A little old man totters into a chemist to buy Viagra, "can I have 6 tablets and can I have them cut into quarters". "I can cut them for you" said the chemist "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection". "I am 96" said the old man. "I do not have much use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I dont keep pissing on my slippers".
User avatar
BillUp
Posts: 1230
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:35 pm
Location: If God wanted us to play football in the clouds, he would have put grass there. Brian Clough.
Has liked: 1 like

Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

English clubs have gone on red alert as US based Becks announces “I’m ready to up sticks”. Though it turns out he’s just talking about a planned night out with wife Victoria.
User avatar
BillUp
Posts: 1230
Joined: Wed Aug 29, 2007 1:35 pm
Location: If God wanted us to play football in the clouds, he would have put grass there. Brian Clough.
Has liked: 1 like

Re: Joke

Post by BillUp »

Paddy pulls along side a lorry 'oi driver yer loosing yer load!' Driver shouts 'f*** off!' 5 miles further 'oi yer loosing yer load!' 'Iv'e told you f*** off!' Says driver. 5 miles further Paddy yells 'Im not joking yer loosing yer load!' Driver says 'will you go away you thick f*cker I'm gritting!'
User avatar
Up the Junction
Thinks he owns the place
Posts: 70925
Joined: Wed Dec 04, 2002 12:03 am
Has liked: 748 likes
Total likes: 3444 likes

Re: Joke

Post by Up the Junction »

And on that note, we hereby consign the longest thread in KUMB history to the Hall Of Fame.
Post Reply