Joke

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Philosophical Dan
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Re: Joke

Post by Philosophical Dan »

BillUp wrote:A man goes to the train station and asks for a return ticket, the ticket man says "where to m8", the man says "well back here u ****stick"
Jimmy Cricket is alive and well. And suffering from a bout of Tourette's, by the looks of it.
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capt pugwash
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Re: Joke

Post by capt pugwash »

father takes his 12 year old daughter to the doctor to put her on the pill

doctor says is she sexually active

no replies the father she just lays there like her mother
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bubbles1966
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Re: Joke

Post by bubbles1966 »

Sex therapists have diagnosed a new form of sexual dysfunction for couples called gasman-itis. This is when no one comes even if you stay in all day long.
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rare as rockinghorse shat
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Re: Joke

Post by rare as rockinghorse shat »

You lot are just out of order.


What's the best thing about killing a 5 year old?

Wiping the blood on your clownsuit.

STM
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smuts
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Re: Joke

Post by smuts »

Rars - you are Micheal Myers and I claim my £5..... :lol:

Remind me not to ask you to babysit, in case you bring your white painted William Shatner mask with the eyes cut out and boiler suit....
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Major
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Re: Joke

Post by Major »

rare as rockinghorse shat wrote:You lot are just out of order.


What's the best thing about killing a 5 year old?

Wiping the blood on your clownsuit.

STM
Rars


Thats ****ing lame :D

Whats black and blue and dont like sex?



The 8 year old in my basement!!
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rare as rockinghorse shat
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Re: Joke

Post by rare as rockinghorse shat »

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can come on it's face at the same time.



Off to hell I go....
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prince_huggy
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Re: Joke

Post by prince_huggy »

rare as rockinghorse shat wrote:Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can come on it's face at the same time.

Off to hell I go....
You're one sick puppy RARS! Don't suppose you've listened to Derek and Clive? I recomend it, if you haven't.

Hmmm, I can feel a new thread coming on!
Last edited by prince_huggy on Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Georgee Paris
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Re: Joke

Post by Georgee Paris »

Whats the worse thing about licking a bald fanny?

Putting the nappy back on afterwards.
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osborner69
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Re: Joke

Post by osborner69 »

Apologies is already posted, but im not going through nearly 200 pages!: Here goes:

A farmer was having real problems with his cattle during the winter months. All they did was freeze solid and would be unable to move for days and was costing the farmer a fortune. The farmer enlisted the help of experts from across the country to help solve the problem, but nothing worked.

Until one day a mysterious old lady came along and began to talk to the frozen cattle... slowly but surely they started to come out of their frozen state until they were all back to normal. Amazed and overjoyed, the farmer offered the old lady some money which she refused. As the old lady departed, the farmer shouted "Can I at least have your name?!" "Of course" she replied... "Its Thora Hird"
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osborner69
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Re: Joke

Post by osborner69 »

2 Peanuts walk into a bar and 1 was assaulted.

2 cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny to you"

2 snowmen having a chat, one says to the other "can you smell carrotts"

2 pubic hairs on a night out sitting in a urinal. one says to the other "how long you planning on staying?" the other pubic hair replied "till I get pissed off"

Bit out of date this one: Did you hear Paul McCatney bought his wife Heather Mills a plane for her birthday? He bought her a Ladyshave for her other leg.

Why does Noddy wear a red hat with a bell on it? Because hes a C*nt
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Devs Hampton
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Re: Joke

Post by Devs Hampton »

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the
sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He
came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on
the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because
she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.. She will
then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.


In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the b*stard who ran over my FROG!!
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I am Lawro
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Re: Joke

Post by I am Lawro »

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... ID=3877581" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Gotta love kids, and Germans :lol:
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Hammer110
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Re: Joke

Post by Hammer110 »

Not jokes as such but examples of the stupidity of man.

The 2007 Darwin Awards


Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least “evolved” among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5.
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7.
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M. , flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10.
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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hammer
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Re: Joke

Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to give an example to which his students could relate.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ****hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

:wink:
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hammer
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Re: Joke

Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

A rabbi gets in front of his congregation and says that he is leaving to go to a larger congregation that can pay him more.

There is a hush — no one wants him to leave.

Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a minivan to transport their children!"

The congregation applauds.

Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary, and also will establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"

The congregation cheers again.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead in the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.'"

:wink:
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hammer
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Re: Joke

Post by hammer »

another one :wink:

Q. What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A. A small medium at large!

:wink:
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paulo79
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Re: Joke

Post by paulo79 »

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when

they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship

that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of

our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and

sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon

however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were

swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the

female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the

shore." At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming

reluctant to follow him.

"What's the matter darling?"

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse

to swallow the seamen
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hammerjohn
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Re: Joke

Post by hammerjohn »

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,

"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church, when the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.
However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there" admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at B&Q either."
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rare as rockinghorse shat
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Re: Joke

Post by rare as rockinghorse shat »

We definitely need a new 'horse' thread to put the jokes in that no one can comment on :lol:
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