The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[The Difference]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a Kenyan walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

[D C]

There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

[derbyiron]

A 'Wall fan says to his wife: "We've been invited to a local swinger's party, d'you fancy it?" "Yes" says his wife; I'd be well up for that"

"Fantastic" says the bloke, "I'll ring your dad back straight away and let him know we're coming"

[ageing hammer]

A 'Wall fan says to his wife: "We've been invited to a local swinger's party, d'you fancy it?" "Yes" says his wife; I'd be well up for that"

"Fantastic" says the bloke, "I'll ring your dad back straight away and let him know we're coming"

You obviously made this joke up yourself, his wife wouldn't know who her dad is.

[ak-47]

My family keep a bird of prey, which unusually hunts at night.

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

[vietnammer]

Good, but could be better. Ahem. We have a man who looks after our bird of prey, and hence only cleans his house at night. Our kestrel man hoovers in the dark.

[Bobby Orangeboom]

My family keep a bird of prey, which unusually hunts at night.

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

If it was an Owl it wouldn't have been unusual.

[Tristan Shout]

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days

Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days

Thursday, Friday, Happy Days

Saturday my wife gets back from her course

[ak-47]

A little girl asks her Mum "Mum, can I take the dog for a walk?" Mum replies "No, because she's in heat."

What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"Go ask your Dad, he's in the garage."

Little girl goes to the garage and says "Dad, Can I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum and she says that the dog is in heat and to come to you."

Dad says "Bring the dog here." He takes a rag, soaks it in petrol and rubs it over the dog's rear end to disguise the scent and says "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the lead, and only go one time round the block."

The little girl goes happily on her way and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the lead. Surprised, Dad asks "Where's Belle?"

The little girl says "She ran out of petrol half way round the block, so another dog's pushing her home."

[delbert]

My family keep a bird of prey, which unusually hunts at night.

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

Oh fuckin dear........

[trick88]

A vampire goes into a pub and just asks for boiling water.
The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

[derbyiron]

On sale at Boots

Limited edition T*ttenham viagra pills....for those moments when all you can manage is a semi

[Dover KUMB fan]

Paddy and Mick have been panic buying diesel,so far they have 8 pairs of jeans,17 T.Shirts and 10 bottles of aftershave.

[don't burst my bubble]

My wife wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.
I was shocked when my mate told me how expensive they were,
So I bought her 2 normal cats and glued their heads together

[jastons]

What's the difference between a Lesbian in a porno and a Lesbian on the High Street?

About 12 stone !

[ageing hammer]

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational
the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!




And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody ****ers.

[ageing hammer]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a GolfCourse ?"

[don't burst my bubble]

How did the Farmer find his wife?


Tractor

[ageing hammer]

A friend of mine was getting divorced from his wife and the judge told him

" Mr Murphy I am granting your wife maintenance of €150 per week "

Murphy replied " Thank you very much your Honor I will try to throw her a few bob myself as well "

[carnage]

I just poked Ashley Young on Facebook.
Rooney converted the penalty.