The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
Posts: 19295
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
Has liked: 338 likes
Total likes: 728 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

My missus says I'm childish but I don't care.

She smells of poo and wee.
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
Posts: 31658
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
Has liked: 618 likes
Total likes: 578 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Ma's out Pa's out let's talk rude
Pee po belly bum drawers
Out in the garden in the nude
Pee po belly bum drawers
User avatar
Suffolk Iron
Posts: 616
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2011 5:03 pm
Has liked: 123 likes
Total likes: 39 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Suffolk Iron »

Ran out of Rizlas in the pub earlier.

Asked the Eastern European bloke standing next to me if he'd got any papers.

He was out the door in seconds.
cambridge hammer
Posts: 675
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2005 4:59 pm
Location: cambridge
Has liked: 7 likes
Total likes: 38 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cambridge hammer »

It's very hard to say what my Mrs does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
User avatar
Chicken Run Supreme
Posts: 14864
Joined: Fri Jul 09, 2010 8:58 am
Location: Exiled in Angus
Has liked: 855 likes
Total likes: 823 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Chicken Run Supreme »

A man is out on the lash with his mate and gets into such a state he pukes up all over his suit.
" I can't go home like this, the missus will kill me, it's a brand new suit" he says to his mate.
"I've an idea" says his mate as he puts a £20 note in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. "When you get home, tell your wife a stranger threw up over you in the pub and gave you a score for the dry cleaning."
"Good idea" said the man.
So when he gets home and his wife sees the state of his suit, before she gets stuck into him he fronts up about the stranger who puked over him and gave him £20 for dry cleaning.
"So how comes there's £40 in your pocket?" the wife said.
"Oh yeah, that's another £20 from the man who shat in my pants"
User avatar
York Ham(mer)
Posts: 9644
Joined: Sat Mar 05, 2005 6:15 am
Location: In exile up north
Has liked: 111 likes
Total likes: 149 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by York Ham(mer) »

Made the pancakes too thin..... shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Tried to buy that new book about teaching yourself how to levitate today.

It was sold out, bloke said it was just flying off the shelf.
Last edited by ageing hammer on Fri Mar 03, 2017 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Saw a sign on the back of a suicide bombers van today, it read:

"Be aware people alighting"
User avatar
-DL-
Bag Man
Posts: 30097
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
Has liked: 837 likes
Total likes: 4952 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

A few years ago I invented beach footwear for people with only one leg.

It was a flop
Polaroid
Posts: 1773
Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2016 3:51 am
Has liked: 612 likes
Total likes: 220 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Polaroid »

I've just noticed the wife is wearing her sexy underwear.
This can only mean one thing...

She's behind with the washing.
User avatar
-DL-
Bag Man
Posts: 30097
Joined: Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:43 am
Has liked: 837 likes
Total likes: 4952 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

My Doctor says that I'm really sick.

Well, that's the last time I'm lending him a porno.
User avatar
rare as rockinghorse shat
Posts: 55216
Joined: Sun Jan 23, 2005 2:43 am
Location: **** the board
Has liked: 3 likes
Total likes: 77 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by rare as rockinghorse shat »

Burningaham wrote:I just got a fright from a Chinese travel agent
Amazing
ak-47 wrote:Shopping in town with my girlfriend we saw a group of sexy teenagers in miniskirts. "Cor!!" I chuckled. "I bet you wish you had legs like those!"

She didn't reply, but I could tell she was upset...... I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams.

Image
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

Because it was a polar bear.
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

A skeketon walks into a bar and says...

"Can I have a pint of lager and a mop?"
User avatar
jevs
Posts: 9278
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 6:15 pm
Location: Uckfield, East Sussex
Has liked: 472 likes
Total likes: 293 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

Paddy...."i've been shagging these two twins"

Mick...."Really, how can you tell them apart?"

Paddy...."It's easy, Julie's got blonde hair and Derek has a moustache"
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

i saw 6 men continually walking around a cemetery carrying a coffin and thought to myself ' theyve lost the plot '
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

i ate 24 pots of yoghurt last night



i was well mullered
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

The wife came out of the bathroom this morning and walked into our bedroom without putting any clothes on. She said "Close the curtains, I dont want the neighbours seeing me naked".

I said "Don't worry, if they see you naked they'll close their own f*cking curtains"
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, somberly. "It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..

"Did someone mention takeaway?"
Post Reply