The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
Posts: 19295
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
Has liked: 338 likes
Total likes: 728 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I replied.
:lol:
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

I ordered a copy of "Bald and Barely Legal" online the other day.

When it arrived I opened it and was slightly disappointed to find it was filled with pictures of old car tyres.
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

i went to a 70s disco last night


at first i was afraid - i was petrified
User avatar
WoodfordJnr
Posts: 478
Joined: Mon Oct 26, 2015 2:58 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WoodfordJnr »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:i ate 24 pots of yoghurt last night



i was well mullered

That has proper tickled me ... using that
User avatar
Greatest Cockney Rip Off
Posts: 19295
Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
Has liked: 338 likes
Total likes: 728 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Greatest Cockney Rip Off »

Did you hear about the Irish Humpty-Dumpty?

A ****ing wall fell on him

===========================================

The police came to my door today holding a picture of my wife. 'Is this your wife sir?' the copper asked. 'Yes' I answered. I'm afraid it looks like shes been run over by a bus' he said. 'I know' I said, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids'
User avatar
Rocketron
Posts: 12908
Joined: Fri Aug 06, 2004 7:45 pm
Location: Kumb on feel the noize We've got David Moyes
Has liked: 6 likes
Total likes: 50 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need ... Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
Posts: 3242
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
Total likes: 42 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

^^ :lol: ^^
Nicking that
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

"Tell me what you want," I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string.

"I want my guitar back," she said.
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:"Tell me what you want," I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string.

"I want my guitar back," she said.
:D
User avatar
Dover KUMB fan
Posts: 3242
Joined: Fri Nov 27, 2009 8:33 am
Total likes: 42 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I went the the doctors earlier about my premature ejaculation.
"How is your wife about this?" Asked the doctor.
I replied "Well she took it on the chin to start with, but now it gets on her tits"
User avatar
Czech Hammer
Posts: 2472
Joined: Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:49 pm
Location: Near Moscow
Total likes: 3 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Czech Hammer »

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:
The police came to my door today holding a picture of my wife. 'Is this your wife sir?' the copper asked. 'Yes' I answered. I'm afraid it looks like shes been run over by a bus' he said. 'I know' I said, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids'
Thats the winner for me :D
User avatar
nedgray
Posts: 503
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2004 2:14 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by nedgray »

Being as it's International Grumpy ****er Day, how easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew?

a) don't
b) leave it
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Martin McGuinness arrives at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter: What are you doing here? Theres no room in here for you...
MM: I don't want to come in. I'm giving you lot a 5 minute warning to get out
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

i messed up today - i went to work with a load of mousetraps in my pocket and came home with 4 scousers
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I pulled a fat bird in a club last night and went back to her place. As she started to take her clothes off she said, "I hope you'll still respect me in the morning?"

"You don't need to worry about that," I replied soothingly, "there's no ****ing way I'll still be here in the morning."
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

i just watched a documentary on cocaine and it was brilliant, i bought another gram and cant wait to watch more tv tonight
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumped out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little bugger

I'm now single.




And banned from Disneyland.
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

I was weaving dangerously in the middle of the road when it occurred to me that I should find a better place to make a wicker basket.
User avatar
pablo jaye
Posts: 11225
Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
Location: Somewhere massive!
Has liked: 2563 likes
Total likes: 926 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Devastated .... A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
ak-47
Posts: 845
Joined: Tue Jun 15, 2010 6:46 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ak-47 »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:i had been looking for my keys for ages and then asked the wife if she had seen them her response was to try looking harder.

so i got a skinhead and a tattoo but i still couldnt find them

I wanted to show the missus how hard i was so I went cage fighting.....the budgie didn't know what hit him....
Post Reply