The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Anything goes in The Snug, General Discussion's rebellious little brother. An off-topic den of iniquity where any subject not covered elsewhere may be discussed. Well, anything except golf, Star Wars and Arsenal.

Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks

Post Reply
Online
User avatar
vietnammer
Bucky the beaver
Posts: 31665
Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
Has liked: 621 likes
Total likes: 579 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

I've been telling that joke for 40 years and I always ensure that the rabbit confirms that **** does stick to its fur, thus providing the bear with a good wipe.
User avatar
Bamber Gascoigne
Posts: 4661
Joined: Wed Dec 10, 2003 6:12 pm
Location: 51° 31′ 55″ N, 0° 2′ 22″ E
Has liked: 107 likes
Total likes: 40 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Nicola Sturgeon is touring rural Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car when a cow walks out of a field and into the path of the limo. Despite the Chauffeurs best efforts to avoid the animal, he hits it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola looks horrified and says to the chauffeur, 'You, get out now and check it out. You were driving and you - not I - are to blame'.

The chauffeur gets out to check and reports that the animal is dead. Nicola then says, 'Well, as I said, You were driving and therefore you - and not I - are to blame. Now go and tell the farmer. I can't afford to be blamed for anything. Now get going and hurry back'.

So, the chauffeur sets off in search of the farmhouse.

Around four hours later he returns absolutely shitfaced, hair a mess, shirt hanging out and the biggest grin on his face you've ever seen.

'My God, what happened to you? Where in Gods name have you been? demands Nicola.

The chauffeur replies, 'Well, I found the farmhouse and after being invited in the farmer opened a couple of bottles of his finest malt, the wife gave me a slap up meal, and then they let me shag both their daughters.'

'What on earth did you say to them about the accident to get all of that? Weren't they upset you had reduced their herd?' asks Nicola.

'Well, it was quite strange' said the chauffeur. 'I knocked on the door, and when the Farmer answered I said "I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've got to tell you there has been an accident, and it was all my fault and the cow is dead". He shook my hand and invited me in!'
User avatar
jevs
Posts: 9278
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2004 6:15 pm
Location: Uckfield, East Sussex
Has liked: 473 likes
Total likes: 293 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by jevs »

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties'
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A bloke is parachuting on his first solo jump.

He jumps out of the plane and counts the seconds then pulls the cord, the chute doesn't open.

He tries again but no good.

He tries the emergency cord but again nothing is working.

He is now in fear of his life when suddenly a bloke in a pair of tatty overalls starts rising up towards him.

As he comes closer he shouts at the bloke " Do you know anything about parachutes"

The bloke shouts back " No mate, and I know f*** all about gas boilers either "
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
User avatar
don't burst my bubble
Posts: 1223
Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2002 9:26 pm
Location: Maidenhead
Total likes: 2 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble »

Sauce! wrote:A woman will fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man will fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.
:lol:
User avatar
OFT
Posts: 21538
Joined: Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:59 pm
Location: Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot
Has liked: 2995 likes
Total likes: 1758 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

A bloke was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding his own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind him and grabbed his arse and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?"
He said, "Yeah, you got a pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen."
Well he said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

OFT wrote:A bloke was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding his own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind him and grabbed his arse and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?"
He said, "Yeah, you got a pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen."
Well he said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
:D
User avatar
ageing hammer
Posts: 25445
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
Has liked: 484 likes
Total likes: 1475 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A bloke asks a stunning blonde at a bar :

"What would it take for me to get a nice big kiss from you"

Blonde replies "Chloroform"
dodgy dave
Posts: 1597
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 2:22 pm
Location: I'm a snugger
Has liked: 113 likes
Total likes: 38 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by dodgy dave »

I was having a **** in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said."Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now." I shouted , " I'm having a ****"

He said " I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

dodgy dave wrote:I was having a **** in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said."Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now." I shouted , " I'm having a ****"

He said " I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
:)
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

whats an epileptics favourite food ?



chicken seizure salad
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

so ronaldo has had an airport named after him in Madeira

well ive had 2 named after me in london

I did need to change my name by deed poll though to Heath Row firstly then Stan Sted
User avatar
screech
Posts: 5466
Joined: Sat Sep 22, 2007 3:09 pm
Has liked: 5 likes
Total likes: 39 likes
Contact:

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by screech »

psychoscoredthelot wrote:so ronaldo has had an airport named after him in Madeira

well ive had 2 named after me in london

I did need to change my name by deed poll though to Heath Row firstly then Stan Sted
that is awful, truly shocking psycho probably the worst i have seen from you
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Feeling tired while using your smartphone?

There's a nap for that.
User avatar
WoodfordJnr
Posts: 478
Joined: Mon Oct 26, 2015 2:58 pm

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by WoodfordJnr »

screech wrote: that is awful, truly shocking psycho probably the worst i have seen from you
This genuinely made me laugh :lol:
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

We were on a plane and the guy next to us started to be sick, so I got a paper bag ready.

"Thanks, " he said, as I put it over my wife's head.
User avatar
psychoscoredthelot
Posts: 10245
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 2:23 pm
Location: Upminster
Has liked: 79 likes
Total likes: 201 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by psychoscoredthelot »

sorry screech - i will up my game
User avatar
Sauce!
Posts: 5997
Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
Total likes: 5 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Breaking news..

After the latest defeat Slaven Bilic has just been caught speeding away from the Emirates at 102mph.

When asked why he was driving so fast, the Crazy Croat replied "I'll do anything for 3 points".

:oops:
User avatar
S-H
Posts: 49113
Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:05 am
Location: Kumb Inn
Has liked: 5739 likes
Total likes: 9649 likes

Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

West Ham's season..
Post Reply