The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

:lol:
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said,
"I want to die when Spurs win the league then."

"You crafty b'stard" said the fairy.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

"You spend far too much time on that ****ing computer."

Possibly a bit harsh, but as one of Stephen Hawking's closest friends, I felt someone had to tell him.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by cambridge hammer »

Compere Who had a hit with tiger feet?
Contestant Mud?
Compere That's right,that's right,that's right,that's Right!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

A lorry load of vics vapour rub has overturned on the M25. Police say its now been cleared up and there's no congestion.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Joke told to me by a Moslem so it's ok (I hope).

A very lazy bloke plans to go on Haj with a bottle of vodka. Why? "So I can watch the Ka'aba go round me"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

vietnammer wrote:Joke told to me by a Moslem so it's ok (I hope).

A very lazy bloke plans to go on Haj with a bottle of vodka. Why? "So I can watch the Ka'aba go round me"
Boom! Boom!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Two Jamaican blokes going to a party,the invitation read “come dressed as an emotion”.

Both of the men were stumped as to what to go as.

That night of the party, the host hears a knock at the door and opens it to find both the men completely naked. One bloke had his cock in a bowl of custard, while the second man has a large pear shoved on the end of his knob.

A little taken aback the host asks what emotion they have come as.

The first bloke says :

“I am ****ing dis custard”

And the second man says:

“And I am deep in dis pear”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Who said "There is no profit in defeat" ?

A) Winston Churchill

B) A West Indian chiropodist
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by shammy »

My local cafe is serving Oasis soup.

You get a a roll with it.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

How did Bob Marley like his donuts?

With jam in.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

Oh well, I never got the job at the local theatre as a stage designer.
I left without making a scene.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

A mate of mine fell down a big crack in the floor while performing in a play.

He was just going through a bad stage.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

I've got deja vu and amnesia. I can't remember what happens next.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Monkeybubbles wrote:I've got deja vu and amnesia. I can't remember what happens next.


:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One...or two?
One...or two?
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,
there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &
bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few
minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The
nurses run back into the room.

'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

:lol: ^^^
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her that they didn't have a fixed bath, but there was a tin bath that she could fill and then bathe in front of the fire.

"Tomorrow night is the best night" she said "as my husband goes out to play darts on Fridays,"

The girl agreed, and the next night after her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair whatsoever. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Friday, when you go to darts, come home earlier than normal and wait in the garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

The following Friday came, the husband went off to his darts and a couple of hours later, the woman got the tin bath ready while the girl again got undressed,

The wife slightly pulled the curtains apart and as the girl went to get in asked: "I don't mean to pry my dear, but do you shave down there?"

"Oh No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" she asked back.

"Oh, yes," said the woman "Its like a gorillas back" and she pulled up her skirt and showed the girl that she was really generously over-endowed in the hairy hutch department and how it ran each side of her Jack and Danny, and then bent over to show it even trailed around her ar$e too!

The girl appeared unimpressed, and got in to the bath, bathed and went off up to bed.

As soon as she had left the room, the husband came in shaking his head in disbelief,

"Did you see it?" asked his wife.

"Yes," he said, "But why in hells name did you have to show her yours" he shouted.

"Why is that such a big deal" she replied " "You've seen it before haven't you." She replied.

"Oh I know I have," he said, "but the ****ing darts team and all the other blokes from down the pub ****ing hadn't!"
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