The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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pablo jaye
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo!

... gets coat and scuttles off!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!", his fellow workmates just cheered.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

-DL- wrote:Tragic news from the Nestle factory today as a worker was crushed to death under hundreds of boxes of chocolates.

He tried in vain to get help but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!!", his fellow workmates just cheered.

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Browsing through ebay and saw someone had listed a bottle of Chinese Tippex.

The seller reckons its a corrector's item.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by badgermax »

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl
behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour
and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her
to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!”

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the
shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Dover KUMB fan »

It's my Scouse nephew's birthday today.
So as a surprise, I put a £20 note in his Nan's purse
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Jesus performed his first miracle at the wedding feast of Cana. They were running out of wine and Jesus asked them to bring him 10 containers of water.

Jesus did his stuff and tuned the water into wine thus saving the day.

His dad Joseph went a bit overboard on this best tasting wine ever and ended up three sheets to the wind.

Next morning Joseph awoke with the worst hangover in history, he could barely move in the bed.

He shouts to Mary downstairs:

" Mary.. Mary...bring me up a big cup of water and for fecks sake keep that young fella away from it "
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Burningaham »

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day.

The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by DoubleDave »

Bravo :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Rocketron »

Burningaham wrote:A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day.

The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."
I remember that from Noel Edmonds on Radio 1 circa 1974. 8-)
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Burningaham wrote:A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the live dishes of the day.

The Waiter leads him over to a large tank, and the man examines the fish.
"I'll have the little green squid - the one in the corner with the hairy lip, please" says the man.

"O.K." replies the Waiter and calls out "Gervais!!" A little French chef appears with a large knife, the Waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices the sad look on its face.

Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the Waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the Waiter, "this is Hans, our dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher catches the squid, and wielding a huge rolling pin is just about to bludgeon the little green fella with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the Waiter, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid."
That was a bit hairy fairy :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Haarlemammer »

I just purchased a 5 litre bottle of Tippex..
Huge mistake.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggs'n'nuts »

Bloke knocks on the door of a B&B. Landlady answers and he says to her, "I want to stay here".
"Well stay there then", she replied, and shut the door on him!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

Magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot, every time he does a trick the parrot shouts it's in his pocket, 4 of clubs, it's got a false bottom! The magician hates it. That night the ship sinks and him and the parrot cling to a piece of drift wood, for 4 days the parrot says f*** all and just stares at him- On the ifith day the parrot says o.k I give up where's the f*cking ship gone.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by -DL- »

A bloke goes in to a pet shop and spots a Claret and Blue Cockney Parrot. He offers the pet shop owner £50 and the owner takes it.

"Be warned" said the chap behind the counter. "This bird thinks he's a real tough nut - and he won't stop telling you so"

The bloke buys him anyway, but eventually the bloke gets sick of it saying, "I'm West Ham and I'm hard as f***!"

"I'll show this parrot who's hard" thought the owner, and he puts a Kestrel in its cage.

Next morning, he finds the Kestrel dead at the bottom of the cage, torn to shreds.

The parrot says to him, "I'm West Ham and I'm hard as f***!"

So, the following day the bloke puts a Golden Eagle in the cage.

The next morning, the same thing happens. He finds the Eagle dead and torn to shreds, only this time, the Parrot has no feathers.

The owner says to the parrot, "****ing hell, the shop-keeper was right - you are a tough nut - but at least the eagle gave you a run for your money this time"

"Nah" said the Parrott, "I took my coat off for this one"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by vietnammer »

Vegans think people who sell meat are disgusting, but those who sell vegetables are grocer.


Whenever someone says I don't believe in coincidences, I say "Oh My God! Me neither!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Toulouse_Iron »

vietnammer wrote:Vegans think people who sell meat are disgusting, but those who sell vegetables are grocer.


Whenever someone says I don't believe in coincidences, I say "Oh My God! Me neither!"
very good sir
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Hammer.CA »

I'm looking to re-home a dog. It's a little terrier, likes to be outside and barks a lot.
Anybody who wants him let me know and I'll jump over the neighbours fence and get him for you.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by uptonparkhurst »

Q: How many rock-band sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,2. 1,2.
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