The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

[Westcliffspur]

I have just seen the Irish bobsleigh team are refusing to race until the course is gritted.

[Dover KUMB fan]

Someone said to me the other day that my grammar stinks.
I thought that was a bit harsh. She is 101 years old, & not in full control.

[ageing hammer]

This one hasn't been done in a while so....

Real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A large woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V. drips in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned? I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[-DL-]

Egyptian archaeologists have found a mummy in a tomb coated in chocolate and small nut pieces.

They believe it to be a Pharaoh Rocher.

[ageing hammer]

[-DL-]

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?

Nina.

[psychoscoredthelot]

my step dad said to me when i dropped out of university that i would never amount to anything and would waste my life, now 6 years later on. one of us is a drunken drug addled loser with no friends and one of us is earning 6 figures, drives an Aston Martin and is flying to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mum

[ageing hammer]

A bloke on a radio quiz was asked what was vulcanised rubber.

He answered "are they condoms for Mr Spock"

[OFT]

Nicked this from elsewhere:-

[DasNutNock]

my step dad said to me when i dropped out of university that i would never amount to anything and would waste my life, now 6 years later on. one of us is a drunken drug addled loser with no friends and one of us is earning 6 figures, drives an Aston Martin and is flying to Hawaii this weekend to renew his wedding vows with my mum

Eh? So after your stepdad got into drugs, your mum divorced him, you married her, and now you’re off to the Pacific to renew your vows? Blimey, takes all sorts.

[swisstony]

I walked into the bakers yesterday with a salmon under my arm and asked the young lady behind the counter "do you sell fishcakes? "

"no. Sorry" she replied

"thats a shame " I said "because it's his birthday "

[psychoscoredthelot]

Eh? So after your stepdad got into drugs, your mum divorced him, you married her, and now you’re off to the Pacific to renew your vows? Blimey, takes all sorts.

erm no - i dont have an aston martin either

[Nolovelost]

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for a few minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said,

"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Paddy O'Hammer]

Dad: Crazy news, isn’t it? That even with all the bread shortages, they have French baguettes locked up in cages in Dublin Zoo?

Me: What?

Dad: You know...Bread in captivity

[vietnammer]

****ing hell

[claretandblue82]

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Jesus

[cambridge hammer]

Shamelessly lifted from this morning's times.

Two regional newspapers have just started the serialisation of Dickens A tale of 2 cities.
It was The Bicester times and the Worcester times.

[Westcliffspur]

A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London," "To my other son Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge". With that, he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he B*llicks! He was a "Feckin window cleaner!"

[Dover KUMB fan]

I saw a magician last night that turned members of the audience into wind turbines.
Instantly, I was a big fan

[Tenbury]

I walked into the bakers yesterday with a salmon under my arm and asked the young lady behind the counter "do you sell fishcakes? "

"no. Sorry" she replied

"thats a shame " I said "because it's his birthday "

Instantly joins my top 5,