The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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pablo jaye
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

I've just created a new game show about making hats. It’s called ‘Who wants to be a milliner?’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by York Ham(mer) »

An Essex man was knocked down by a car. He lay dazed on the road in a pool of blood, surrounded by a crowd of onlookers.
A paramedic arrived and asked "where's he bleeding from?"
The man opened one eye and said "I'm from bleedin' Romford"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Samba »

Sharon & Tracey are involved in a car crash. The paramedic called to the scene is checking Sharon over.
"How many fingers am I holding up?", says the paramedic.
"Bloody 'ell Trace", Sharon wails, "I'm numb from the bleedin' waist down"...
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tenbury »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bucks Hammer »

The Chuckle Brothers have just been signed up by British Gas...

......To meter you.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Tenbury »

Which of King Arthur's knights built the Round Table?

Sir Cumference.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by OFT »

Raheem Sterling goes to see a very northern tattooist and asks for a trifle.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Eggs'n'nuts »

'Appy 'Ammer wrote:True story.

My Mrs asked me if we wanted anything from her friends car boot sale as she was selling everything to travel Europe.

"Her knicker drawer" wasn't the right answer
I think your Mrs friend was the same woman I got the sack over in an unfortunate incident in the massage parlour. Apparently I misunderstood the term "finish up on her face".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Monkeybubbles »

Image
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by pablo jaye »

:D nice one MB. Reminds me of the old joke - how do you say 'a bottle of beer' without moving your lips. A: Guinness!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by S-H »

Outstanding MB

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by don't burst my bubble »

Monkeybubbles wrote:Image
Gilliant!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by uptonparkhurst »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yes, - Guckin' Collity!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

Two wind turbines are on a date:

“So, what type of music do you like?”

“I’m a big metal fan.”
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you".

She said "Is that you or the beer talking"?

I replied "It's me,,,,,,, talking to the beer"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by ageing hammer »

An inventor walks into a company that buys inventions and tells the bloke in there that he has invented something really good and wants to sell it to him. The bored bloke behind the desk asks what has he invented and the man throws him an apple. "This is just an apple" he said. The inventor said "taste it". So he took a bite and said "it just tastes like an ordinary apple" The inventor said "now turn it around and taste it again" He turned it around and took another bite and it tasted like an orange. "Turn it around again" said the inventor. He turned it around again and this time it tasted like a pear. The next turn it tasted like a banana, the next a peach. With a devil's grin the bloke in the office told him that if he can get it to taste like a women's pussy he would buy it from him.

The inventor took back the apple and told him he will be back in one week. He returned a week later and tossed him the apple and said " try that" He tasted the apple and nearly threw up all over his desk.

He splurted out " Jesus Christ that tastes like ****"

With a cheeky grin the inventor replied " TURN IT AROUND"
Last edited by ageing hammer on Mon Jun 18, 2018 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Sauce! »

My sexy neighbour over the road has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her pleasure herself with my telescope. I can't see very well, though. If only I hadn’t let her borrow my telescope.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Post by Bamber Gascoigne »

Essex girls Tracy and Sharon met up for a natter.

After 20 minutes or so of intense gossiping, Sharon suddenly moved her head back as she had noticed that Tracy had both of her ears bandaged.

"Oi, Trace" exclaimed Sharon "Wots with wearing the bandages? They're hardly a fashion statement!"

"No they ain't are they Shaz" said Tracy "I burnt me bleedin' ears didn't I - and it was all me bloody husbands fault. He phoned me from his car while I was doin' the ironing, and rather than answer the phone, I only went and answered the bloody Rowenta didn't I"

"Oh Gawd" replied Sharon "that explains the one ear - but what happened to the other?"

"Well" said Tracy "The ear I'd burnt was hurting like f*** - so I thought I better phone for an ambulance and.........."
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