The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Tue Jun 19, 2018 7:09 pm

Essex girls Tracy and Sharon met up for a natter.

After 20 minutes or so of intense gossiping, Sharon suddenly moved her head back as she had noticed that Tracy had both of her ears bandaged.

"Oi, Trace" exclaimed Sharon "Wots with wearing the bandages? They're hardly a fashion statement!"

"No they ain't are they Shaz" said Tracy "I burnt me bleedin' ears didn't I - and it was all me bloody husbands fault. He phoned me from his car while I was doin' the ironing, and rather than answer the phone, I only went and answered the bloody Rowenta didn't I"

"Oh Gawd" replied Sharon "that explains the one ear - but what happened to the other?"

"Well" said Tracy "The ear I'd burnt was hurting like **** - so I thought I better phone for an ambulance and.........."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Wed Jun 20, 2018 11:39 am

I got put in prison for counting the number of fundamentalists in Afghanistan. Apparently there's still a tally ban.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Sauce! on Wed Jun 20, 2018 2:42 pm

During my last check up I asked the doctor "So, do you think I'll have a long and healthy life then?"

He replied "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said "I don't believe in all this astrology nonsense!"

"Neither do I” he said, "My thermometer just broke."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Cockneyboy311 on Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:14 pm

ageing hammer wrote:An inventor walks into a company that buys inventions and tells the bloke in there that he has invented something really good and wants to sell it to him. The bored bloke behind the desk asks what has he invented and the man throws him an apple. "This is just an apple" he said. The inventor said "taste it". So he took a bite and said "it just tastes like an ordinary apple" The inventor said "now turn it around and taste it again" He turned it around and took another bite and it tasted like an orange. "Turn it around again" said the inventor. He turned it around again and this time it tasted like a pear. The next turn it tasted like a banana, the next a peach. With a devil's grin the bloke in the office told him that if he can get it to taste like a women's pussy he would buy it from him.

The inventor took back the apple and told him he will be back in one week. He returned a week later and tossed him the apple and said " try that" He tasted the apple and nearly threw up all over his desk.

He splurted out " Jesus Christ that tastes like ****"

With a cheeky grin the inventor replied " TURN IT AROUND"


Brilliant :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Fri Jun 22, 2018 10:58 pm

That film Titanic is now coming out in 3 D.


Maybe they will spot the iceberg this time :D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Bamber Gascoigne on Sat Jun 23, 2018 9:59 pm

A frog goes into a bank, approaches the cashier and notices from her lapel badge that her name is Patty Whack.

"Good Morning Ms Whack" said the Frog. I'd like to get a £10,000 loan please - can you arrange this?"

The Cashier looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog replied "My name is Kermit Jagger, and my father is Mick Jagger - he knows your Manager as they were in a band together at school.

Patty explains that regardless he will need to secure the loan with some form of collateral.

Kermit Jagger replies, "No problem - I have this", and produces a signed photo of Hervé Villechaize stating "It's easily worth £10k"

Very confused, the cashier takes the photo and goes to consult her Manager.

She finds the Manager and says, "Sorry Sir, but there's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims you know his Dad from your school days. He wants to borrow £10,000 and has this signed photo of a James Bond baddie as collateral" and holds up Hervé's framed mug - "Shall I say sorry, but no can do?"

The bank Manager replies "On the contrary - That's Nick Nack Patty Whack. Give the frog his loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone...................
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby cambridge hammer on Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:04 am

A man presents himself at the deed poll office one day and says to the clerk,
"I want to change my name please" The clerk looks at him and says" shouldn't be a problem,what is your name?"
"Trevor Twat" the bloke replied
"Oh my gosh" says the clerk trying not to laugh. "Thats awful,no wonder you want to change it. What would you like to change it to?
"John Twat" replied the bloke.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby pablo jaye on Sun Jun 24, 2018 9:07 am

I was just going out for a walk with the dog.
There was a man outside in his AA van crying his heart out.
I asked him whether he was ok.
He said he was but that he was
heading for a breakdown.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Burningaham on Wed Jun 27, 2018 12:50 pm

The nearest Scotland will get to another World Cup will be if Brunei and Iran play each other and the scoreboard says ‘IRN - BRU’
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Wed Jun 27, 2018 1:20 pm

I'm truly devastated. A very sad day it is today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Wed Jun 27, 2018 2:22 pm

Have any of you tried Jewish Coffee?
You should, Israeli nice!!
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Jun 27, 2018 3:26 pm

Bloke in a shop " Can I exchange these two bags of raisins for sultanas please"

Shop assistant " Yes but I can only give you one bag of sultanas for them."

Bloke asks "Why’s that?"


Shop assistant replies "That’s the currant exchange rate"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby ageing hammer on Wed Jun 27, 2018 3:32 pm

A bloke comes home at 3 am and makes a terrible racket on the stairs.

His Doris shouts down " what the hell are you doing "

The bloke says "sorry love I am just trying to bring 2 crates of beer up to the bedroom"

She says " ffs just leave them downstairs until the morning "

Bloke replies " I can’t....... 'cos I drank 'em ".
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby screech on Wed Jun 27, 2018 3:38 pm

Dover KUMB fan wrote:Have any of you tried Jewish Coffee?
You should, Israeli nice!!

Have you heard how the owner of the shop makes it?
Hebrews it
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Westcliffspur on Thu Jun 28, 2018 10:14 am

My grandfather was highly decorated in the Second World War. In fact, many believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Dover KUMB fan on Thu Jun 28, 2018 10:59 am

Westcliffspur wrote:My grandfather was highly decorated in the Second World War. In fact, many believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

:D
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Chicken Run Supreme on Tue Jul 03, 2018 9:54 am

I was at the sperm clinic and the lady asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.

I said "I'm good but I don't think I'm ready to enter a tournament!"
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Paddy O'Hammer on Wed Jul 04, 2018 7:42 pm

Strange to see all the tattoos on footballers considering how low their pain threshold is....
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Monkeybubbles on Wed Jul 04, 2018 7:54 pm

Chicken Run Supreme wrote:I was at the sperm clinic and the lady asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.

I said "I'm good but I don't think I'm ready to enter a tournament!"



August last year.....

Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Went to the sperm clinic earlier.

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said "I'm good but not ready for competitions yet"


Yes. I annoy myself sometimes, too.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread

Postby Chicken Run Supreme on Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:18 pm

I'll have to audit the last 11 months worth of jokes before I post again on this thread! :wink:
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