The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
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- S-H
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- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
What did the bestiality obsessed scientist say to his assistant?
"I'll be in my lab."
"I'll be in my lab."
- Samba
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Andrew Neil on 'This Week':
"If England win the World Cup, Jeremy Corbyn wants the country to all have a day off. If Russia win, the week off."
"If England win the World Cup, Jeremy Corbyn wants the country to all have a day off. If Russia win, the week off."
- Los Martillos
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
My mate has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Colchester zoo.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Up before the Judge for Killing a rare bird of prey, Fred is in trouble.
“Killing a barn owl is a serious offence, before I pass sentence have you got any thing to say in your
defence ??."
“Your honour I have the best excuse. I killed the bird for food. I’m out of work, no money and hunger drove me to do it. I ate it."
“Hmmm in the circumstances I’ll let you off with a warning this time, but before you go I must know……What does Barn Owl taste like ??? “
“Oh that’s easy”, says Fred, "a mixture of Peregrine Falcon and Golden Eagle."
“Killing a barn owl is a serious offence, before I pass sentence have you got any thing to say in your
defence ??."
“Your honour I have the best excuse. I killed the bird for food. I’m out of work, no money and hunger drove me to do it. I ate it."
“Hmmm in the circumstances I’ll let you off with a warning this time, but before you go I must know……What does Barn Owl taste like ??? “
“Oh that’s easy”, says Fred, "a mixture of Peregrine Falcon and Golden Eagle."
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Done before but anyway:
A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.
Another one comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.
Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his cock stuck in it, and the other guy has cock in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says, "Yeah, I am ****ing dis-custard."
The second guy says, "And I am deep in dis-pear."
A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.
Another one comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.
Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his cock stuck in it, and the other guy has cock in a hollowed-out pear.
"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"
The first guy says, "Yeah, I am ****ing dis-custard."
The second guy says, "And I am deep in dis-pear."
- Bamber Gascoigne
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A man goes to the doctors and says "Der,der,der,der,doctor, you,you,you,you've gor,gor,gor,got to hel,hel,help me, I've got,gor,gor,got to ge,ge,ge,get sho,sho,sho,shot of this stut,stut,Stu,stutter!"
"Ok, I'll just examine you see if I can spot the problem."said the Doc.
The patient strips and as he drops his pants, his dick almost hits the floor it's so long!
"Aha," says the doc, "There's your problem."
"Wha,what,what do you me,me,me,mean" says the bloke.
"Well, your penis is so exaggerated in its length and girth, that the weight is pulling on your stomach muscles causing you to stammer and stutter. Your only hope is a transplant to something shorter, thus relaxing the strain".
The bloke agrees to the suggested approach and the doctor arranges for the operation which takes place a week or so later.
A month or so after, the patient goes back to the doctors again. "Doc," he says "the voice is great, I can talk, more confidently and have no problem chatting up the ladies - It's great! However, this ridiculously small cock is crap with the birds, and I wondered if there was any chance of getting my old knob back?"
To which the Doctor replies "You,you,you,you can fu,fu,fu,gu ck righ righ, right off!"
"Ok, I'll just examine you see if I can spot the problem."said the Doc.
The patient strips and as he drops his pants, his dick almost hits the floor it's so long!
"Aha," says the doc, "There's your problem."
"Wha,what,what do you me,me,me,mean" says the bloke.
"Well, your penis is so exaggerated in its length and girth, that the weight is pulling on your stomach muscles causing you to stammer and stutter. Your only hope is a transplant to something shorter, thus relaxing the strain".
The bloke agrees to the suggested approach and the doctor arranges for the operation which takes place a week or so later.
A month or so after, the patient goes back to the doctors again. "Doc," he says "the voice is great, I can talk, more confidently and have no problem chatting up the ladies - It's great! However, this ridiculously small cock is crap with the birds, and I wondered if there was any chance of getting my old knob back?"
To which the Doctor replies "You,you,you,you can fu,fu,fu,gu ck righ righ, right off!"
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine still running."
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine still running."
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
ageing hammer wrote:A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine still running."
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I'm reading my first book in Braille. It's a Stephen King horror. Something bad is coming. I can feel it.
- WHU_Del
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
An old Navy stoker ends up in Hell.
After a few days, Satan notices that the old boy seems quite comfortable.
'I can't be having this,' he thinks, and orders the furnaces to be turned up.
The stoker is still showing no signs of discomfort, so Satan orders everything turned up to the max.
After a couple of days, he pokes his head round the door, and sees the old stoker with a big, relaxed smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Mate, I spent forty years in boiler rooms, shovelling coal. This is perfect for me'.
'Right then', thinks Satan, and orders all the furnaces to be switched off and massive piles of ice to be deposited all over Hell.
After a week, no-one can stand up because they're slipping on the ice, there's icicles hanging off every available surface, all the demons have four layers of clothes on.
'Let's see how this fella likes it now' says Satan and goes back to see him.
Not only is the old stoker smiling, he's roaring with laughter.
'NOW WHAT?!' says Satan. 'WHY ARE SO HAPPY?'
'Didn't you know? I'm a West Ham fan, we must have won the League!'
After a few days, Satan notices that the old boy seems quite comfortable.
'I can't be having this,' he thinks, and orders the furnaces to be turned up.
The stoker is still showing no signs of discomfort, so Satan orders everything turned up to the max.
After a couple of days, he pokes his head round the door, and sees the old stoker with a big, relaxed smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Mate, I spent forty years in boiler rooms, shovelling coal. This is perfect for me'.
'Right then', thinks Satan, and orders all the furnaces to be switched off and massive piles of ice to be deposited all over Hell.
After a week, no-one can stand up because they're slipping on the ice, there's icicles hanging off every available surface, all the demons have four layers of clothes on.
'Let's see how this fella likes it now' says Satan and goes back to see him.
Not only is the old stoker smiling, he's roaring with laughter.
'NOW WHAT?!' says Satan. 'WHY ARE SO HAPPY?'
'Didn't you know? I'm a West Ham fan, we must have won the League!'
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
WHU_Del wrote:An old Navy stoker ends up in Hell.
After a few days, Satan notices that the old boy seems quite comfortable.
'I can't be having this,' he thinks, and orders the furnaces to be turned up.
The stoker is still showing no signs of discomfort, so Satan orders everything turned up to the max.
After a couple of days, he pokes his head round the door, and sees the old stoker with a big, relaxed smile.
'Why are you smiling?'
'Mate, I spent forty years in boiler rooms, shovelling coal. This is perfect for me'.
'Right then', thinks Satan, and orders all the furnaces to be switched off and massive piles of ice to be deposited all over Hell.
After a week, no-one can stand up because they're slipping on the ice, there's icicles hanging off every available surface, all the demons have four layers of clothes on.
'Let's see how this fella likes it now' says Satan and goes back to see him.
Not only is the old stoker smiling, he's roaring with laughter.
'NOW WHAT?!' says Satan. 'WHY ARE SO HAPPY?'
'Didn't you know? I'm a West Ham fan, we must have won the League!'
Bravo Sir
- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench
Outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short
One, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any
Fun anymore. For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
Stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a £10.00 note.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried
Flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then,
Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front
Door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie
Came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Evelyn.
'I won £1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement"
Outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short
One, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any
Fun anymore. For £10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that
Stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a £10.00 note.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried
Flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then,
Completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front
Door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie
Came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Evelyn.
'I won £1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement"
- Tenbury
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- Dover KUMB fan
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I miss the good old days. Like when you could go into a newsagents with £1, & come out with a bar of chocolate, a can of coke, a bag of crisps & a magazine.
Not a chance these days, CCTV everywhere!
Not a chance these days, CCTV everywhere!
- ageing hammer
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I am old enough to have got all those for two shillingsDover KUMB fan wrote:I miss the good old days. Like when you could go into a newsagents with £1, & come out with a bar of chocolate, a can of coke, a bag of crisps & a magazine.
Not a chance these days, CCTV everywhere!
Last edited by ageing hammer on Thu Jul 19, 2018 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper, before leaving, she says to the guy ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.‘About 32,’ he replies ‘No! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘No, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street, she goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question, the shop assistant responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question, he replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was, it sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her, she finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper, before leaving, she says to the guy ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.‘About 32,’ he replies ‘No! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘No, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a sweet shop on her way down the street, she goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question, the shop assistant responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question, he replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was, it sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her, she finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
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