The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
- vietnammer
- Bucky the beaver
- Posts: 31673
- Joined: Sun Dec 08, 2002 2:31 am
- Location: Those little golden birdies look at them
- Has liked: 621 likes
- Total likes: 581 likes
- Samba
- Posts: 21811
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2482 likes
- Total likes: 894 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Monkey'Rainman'bubbles didn't..Dover KUMB fan wrote:Either my view on that gag hasn't changed in 4 years, Or I'm going senile & forgot it. :shock:
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
If a man all alone in the middle of a forest speaks and his wife cannot hear him is he still wrong?
- Samba
- Posts: 21811
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2482 likes
- Total likes: 894 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I walked out of a supermarket today with a fruit bread of nuts, spices, and dried or candied fruit, coated with powdered sugar or icing sugar hidden under my coat & didn't pay for it.
It was stollen.
It was stollen.
- Samba
- Posts: 21811
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2482 likes
- Total likes: 894 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Ageing hammer goes to the doctors surgery.
The usual nazi receptionist says, "You've got to tell me what the problem is, before I'll let you see the dr."
Ageing, quite naturally a bit annoyed at having to say what's wrong in public says, "I've got a problem with me cock."
This annoys the nazi. "I'm sorry sir but don't use language like that in here. You'll just have to use another word for it."
"Ok," say Ageing, "I've got a problem with me ear."
"That's better sir. What's wrong with it?"
"I can't piss out of it.."
The usual nazi receptionist says, "You've got to tell me what the problem is, before I'll let you see the dr."
Ageing, quite naturally a bit annoyed at having to say what's wrong in public says, "I've got a problem with me cock."
This annoys the nazi. "I'm sorry sir but don't use language like that in here. You'll just have to use another word for it."
"Ok," say Ageing, "I've got a problem with me ear."
"That's better sir. What's wrong with it?"
"I can't piss out of it.."
-
- Posts: 846
- Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:12 pm
- Has liked: 10 likes
- Total likes: 71 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a pub. That cannot be a coincidence, surely?
- Sauce!
- Posts: 5997
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2006 8:47 pm
- Location: sitting on a bucket on a hamper in the corner of the old wigwam.
- Total likes: 5 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A liar, a hypocrite, and a paedophile walk into a bar.
The barman says “The usual is it, Father?”
The barman says “The usual is it, Father?”
-
- Posts: 846
- Joined: Thu Aug 29, 2013 9:12 pm
- Has liked: 10 likes
- Total likes: 71 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I’ve just seen a fella coming out of Buckingham Palace covered in emulsion
I think he must have been decorated by the Queen.
I think he must have been decorated by the Queen.
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1474 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Samba wrote:Ageing hammer goes to the doctors surgery.
The usual nazi receptionist says, "You've got to tell me what the problem is, before I'll let you see the dr."
Ageing, quite naturally a bit annoyed at having to say what's wrong in public says, "I've got a problem with me cock."
This annoys the nazi. "I'm sorry sir but don't use language like that in here. You'll just have to use another word for it."
"Ok," say Ageing, "I've got a problem with me ear."
"That's better sir. What's wrong with it?"
"I can't piss out of it.."
Funnily enough me cock is fine but I am almost tone deaf
- Samba
- Posts: 21811
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2482 likes
- Total likes: 894 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
:lol:ageing hammer wrote:
Funnily enough me cock is fine but I am almost tone deaf
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1474 likes
- Tarte Encore
- Posts: 355
- Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2015 4:38 pm
- Has liked: 30 likes
- Total likes: 14 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band."
"I find that hard to believe."
"Well i am."
"I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band."
"I find that hard to believe."
"Well i am."
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Paddy and Mick are trying to estimate the height of a flag pole.
A builder walks past and they explain their problem.
He says, "That's simple fellas, watch this." He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. Paddy says to Mick, "Thick cu*t ! We want to know the height not the fuc*ing length!"
A builder walks past and they explain their problem.
He says, "That's simple fellas, watch this." He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. Paddy says to Mick, "Thick cu*t ! We want to know the height not the fuc*ing length!"
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1474 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
This bloke is in bed with his missus and asks her for a ride.
She tells him that he cannot say that anymore because the children will hear him.
They decide to give each other signals if they want sex.
He said to the missus " if you want sex with me catch hold of my cock and give it three tugs"
She asks " and what will I do if I don't want sex "
He replies " Give it another twenty "
She tells him that he cannot say that anymore because the children will hear him.
They decide to give each other signals if they want sex.
He said to the missus " if you want sex with me catch hold of my cock and give it three tugs"
She asks " and what will I do if I don't want sex "
He replies " Give it another twenty "
- ageing hammer
- Posts: 25445
- Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:04 am
- Location: Cockney Hammer's stunt double
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1474 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Neighbors George and Richard.....
Text Message from George to Richard;
Dear George, this is Richard your next door neighbor. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get the courage up to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is when your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great and I can't live with the guilt. I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard.
George response;
George, feeling enraged and betrayed grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, then poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
Text Message 2 from Richard to George;
Hi George, Richard here again, Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the damned spell-check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife", technology huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Text Message from George to Richard;
Dear George, this is Richard your next door neighbor. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get the courage up to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is when your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great and I can't live with the guilt. I hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard.
George response;
George, feeling enraged and betrayed grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, then poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
Text Message 2 from Richard to George;
Hi George, Richard here again, Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the damned spell-check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife", technology huh? It'll be the death of us all.
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13805
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 484 likes
- Total likes: 1956 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."
- uptonparkhurst
- Posts: 5159
- Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2009 10:01 pm
- Location: The World Wide Web - where men are men,women are men,and children are the Metropolitan Police
- Has liked: 64 likes
- Total likes: 17 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
:lol:Monkeybubbles wrote:"I've built a model of Mount Everest."
"Is that to scale?"
"No, just to look at."