Like It.....Sauce! wrote:I went to bed last night convinced that I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.
Woke up this morning feeling fine.
The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Moderators: Gnome, last.caress, Wilko1304, Rio, bristolhammerfc, the pink palermo, chalks
- DoubleDave
- Posts: 2665
- Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:01 pm
- Location: Slough
- Has liked: 4 likes
- Total likes: 4 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
- pablo jaye
- Posts: 11280
- Joined: Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:08 pm
- Location: Somewhere massive!
- Has liked: 2608 likes
- Total likes: 936 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Rocketron wrote:Two thai girls ask me if id like to go to bed with them, they said it would be like winning the lottery,
I agreed and we all stripped off but to my horror they were right we had six matching balls,
- The Old Man of Storr
- Posts: 32992
- Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:17 am
- Location: Lost In the Recesses Of My Mind .
- Has liked: 2686 likes
- Total likes: 1779 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
This is a lot like my photography hobby - you take enough shots and one of them is bound to be good . :lol:Samba wrote:
“I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'”
- Samba
- Posts: 21815
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2466 likes
- Total likes: 891 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Dave Clark the musician, once got arrested for Feeling Glad All Over..Sauce! wrote:I went to bed last night convinced that I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.
Woke up this morning feeling fine.
- Hammer1972
- Posts: 5752
- Joined: Wed May 10, 2006 8:18 am
- Has liked: 56 likes
- Total likes: 209 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Met an old friend today. Asked him what he was up these days...
"I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to alcohol and gambling. That sort of thing."
"Charity work?" I asked.
"No. Wetherspoons"
"I cook meals for the homeless, drug addicts, people with addictions to alcohol and gambling. That sort of thing."
"Charity work?" I asked.
"No. Wetherspoons"
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19314
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 337 likes
- Total likes: 708 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
The fact that Head & shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes disappoints me almost as much as I disappoint my parents
- S-H
- Posts: 49130
- Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:05 am
- Location: Kumb Inn
- Has liked: 5736 likes
- Total likes: 9652 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:The fact that Head & shoulders doesn't have a body wash called Knees and Toes disappoints me almost as much as I disappoint my parents
Expect a visit from MonkeyBubbles (Joke Police)
Online
-
- Posts: 3178
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2890 likes
- Total likes: 616 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight"
He replied "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"
He replied "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"
- S-H
- Posts: 49130
- Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:05 am
- Location: Kumb Inn
- Has liked: 5736 likes
- Total likes: 9652 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I read that in my head but still had my tongue out.. wtf?Hammer.CA wrote:I was in a shoe shop and tried on a shoe, I said to the assistant "It's too tight"
He replied "Try it with the tongue out"
I said "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight"
- Monkeybubbles
- Posts: 13895
- Joined: Sun Feb 02, 2014 11:00 am
- Location: Rumble, Brighton, Tonight.
- Has liked: 495 likes
- Total likes: 1975 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
There are no words to express how sad this makes me. In every sense of the term.S-H wrote: Expect a visit from MonkeyBubbles (Joke Police)
- S-H
- Posts: 49130
- Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 7:05 am
- Location: Kumb Inn
- Has liked: 5736 likes
- Total likes: 9652 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
You haven't got time to be sad old chum, get out there and enforce..
- Greatest Cockney Rip Off
- Posts: 19314
- Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2003 12:29 am
- Location: The oil drum in the Garden of England
- Has liked: 337 likes
- Total likes: 708 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Keep 'em peeled mate.Monkeybubbles wrote:There are no words to express how sad this makes me. In every sense of the term.
- WHU_Del
- Posts: 7167
- Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2006 6:18 pm
- Location: In the words of William Morris: 'I come not from Heaven, but from Essex'.
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
In the old days of the Soviet Union, a factory worker has managed to save enough to buy a new Lada. So he goes to the showroom and orders his car.
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'
When all the formalities are completed, he asks the salesman how long for delivery.
'Six years', says the salesman.
'Six years? Morning or afternoon?'
'Comrade, it's six years away. Why does it matter?'
'Well, the plumber's coming in the morning...'
- WHU_Del
- Posts: 7167
- Joined: Mon Sep 04, 2006 6:18 pm
- Location: In the words of William Morris: 'I come not from Heaven, but from Essex'.
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
And while on the theme...
Why did the KGB go around in threes?
One to do the reading.
One to do the writing.
And one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Why did the KGB go around in threes?
One to do the reading.
One to do the writing.
And one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
- Samba
- Posts: 21815
- Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2017 3:36 pm
- Location: David Sullivan's least favourite fluffer.
- Has liked: 2466 likes
- Total likes: 891 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Monkeybubbles wrote:There are no words to express how sad this makes me. In every sense of the term.
You've been released while he makes enquiries...Greatest Cockney Rip Off wrote:Keep 'em peeled mate.
- don't burst my bubble
- Posts: 1223
- Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2002 9:26 pm
- Location: Maidenhead
- Total likes: 2 likes
- Contact:
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
Met a girl down the pub last night, she said to me
“Come outside and I will show you a good time”
So I went with her...
....and she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds
“Come outside and I will show you a good time”
So I went with her...
....and she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds
- The Old Man of Storr
- Posts: 32992
- Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:17 am
- Location: Lost In the Recesses Of My Mind .
- Has liked: 2686 likes
- Total likes: 1779 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
I like this one .don't burst my bubble wrote:Met a girl down the pub last night, she said to me
“Come outside and I will show you a good time”
So I went with her...
....and she ran 100 metres in 9.98 seconds
- The Old Man of Storr
- Posts: 32992
- Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2009 11:17 am
- Location: Lost In the Recesses Of My Mind .
- Has liked: 2686 likes
- Total likes: 1779 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
It's ok , he's that bloke from The 39 Steps - no , not Robert Donat [ my favourite ] , or Kenneth More or Robert Powell - Monkeybubbles is none other than ' Mr Memory ' , tell me , am I right , sir ?Samba wrote:Monkeyb, I’ll level with you. I’m really scared..
Online
-
- Posts: 3178
- Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:37 pm
- Has liked: 2890 likes
- Total likes: 616 likes
Re: The Non Racist Crap Joke Thread
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway., you're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the crash and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor continues. "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that'll work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is,it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want but you'd better discuss your decision with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-inch, she might be a bit put out but if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five-inch this time, she might be disappointed so it's important that she plays a role in helping you decide."
The man agrees to talk with his wife during that evening's visiting hours.
The doctor returns the next day.
"So," he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," the man replies.
"And, has she helped you in making the decision?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, she has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
The man groans, but the doctor continues. "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that'll work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is,it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want but you'd better discuss your decision with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine-inch, she might be a bit put out but if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five-inch this time, she might be disappointed so it's important that she plays a role in helping you decide."
The man agrees to talk with his wife during that evening's visiting hours.
The doctor returns the next day.
"So," he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," the man replies.
"And, has she helped you in making the decision?" asks the doctor.
"Yes, she has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."
-
- Posts: 1717
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 9:21 am
- Location: Um...Lewisham...
- Has liked: 4 likes
- Total likes: 34 likes